Making disciples of EVERYONE

Have you ever felt strongly about something, but weren't sure how to proceed with expressing your thoughts? It happens to me often, and what I most often do is simply ignore the prompting and go about my daily day. 

Why?

That's a question I have been trying to figure out for some time.

Is it laziness? A spirit of lazy? Well, I think some of it most certainly is, and I pray so greatly that He rid me of this sin that seems to control some aspects of what He is trying to do in my life. 

Is it confusion? A spirit of uncertainity? Well, again, I think some of it most cetainly is, and I pray, again, that He rid me of this sin. 

Is it fear? A spirit of fear? Nailed it. I think, unfortunately, this is where most of my unrest comes from. It's so much easier to just pray, quietly to Him, than write and express how what He is saying to me. 

I read a blog post, or saw an Instagram picture, not sure which, where there was a picture that pretty  much stung my heart. It basically said, if there is a gift that God has given you, and YOU choose not to use it, that's on you. You have squandered His gift. No one else can be blamed, only you. 

I do that. This spirit that I have, of fear, one in which what others will say, or how I will be tested by man, it stops me clear in my tracks. 

The truth is, I am not biblically sound yet. I do not know the Scriptures like the back of my hand. I cannot recite a ton of Scriptures out of memory yet. I cannot use Scripture to back what I have to say often. And, in the legalistic world I grew up in, that is a must, a prerequisite to whether you are taken seriously. So, I don't share my gift often, because I know that there is inevitably someone who is more knowlegable in the Word, and I don't know how to respond appropriately. 

I think it's unfrotunate though, when the Holy Spirit is pushed out or denied, simply because someone with a legalist mind set thinks they have "figured it all out" because they know the Scriptures to and fro. 

Which brings me to today's post. And MORE posts, if I can continue pushing out the voice of the world and listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit. 

You see, if someone's only basis for their belief is Scripture, and no prompting from the Holy Spirit, I think there's a big problem. 

Am I saying that there is no use or validity in the Scriptures? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Let me make that abundantly clear. I am in no way, shape or form stating that I don't find truth in the Scriptures. 

I DO. 

Very much! 

But, I was also taught, and am trying very much to break that teaching, that the gifts of the Holy Spirit are dead. I was taught for a long time, that there are not gifts anymore. Speaking in tongues, healing, prophesying, they were gifts of ancient days and they are dead....now we have the Scriptures and that is all we need now. 

I believed that for a long time. 

I believed for a long time that the Holy Spirit only worked through the Scriputres, that you could only hear Him through the Word. 

I think that is wrong. I know, without a doubt, that the gifts of the Holy Spirit are very much alive, and active, and we have got to use them, accept them, and listen to them MORE. 

MORE. 

MORE. 

We cannot turn away from the gifts and use His Word as our basis. The law abiding Jews did this in the time of Jesus. The Pharisees did this. 

Heavily. 

And to the detriment of Jesus' ministry. Miracle after miracle Jesus performed, and time after time He was questioned because it didn't line up with what THEY believed Scriptures stated. They added, they took away from the OT and when Jesus came, they didn't pay any attention to His ministry. 

I see this so much today. I see our society, our generation, holding on to these Words on a page far greater than they are holding onto the Man that the Word points to. That Man, Jesus, He GAVE US HIS SPIRIT, not for us to abuse or ignore, but for us to use and use greatly. 

Why? Why did He pour out His Spirit at Antioch? 

To bring the Kingdom of God HERE. So we could experience Him after His ascension to heaven. So that we, as His followers, could work WITH Him to draw souls to His kingdom. 

2 words sum up why we need the Holy Sirit--Kingdom Work. 

It's easy....we are to work with Him in Kingdom work, bringing men and women to the knowledge, the saving grace, of Jesus Christ. That His love, and His Spirit, would be so mighty and so powerful that there would be no doubt that He offered something different than this world. 

This world is dark. This world offers something that is contrary to what He offers. But, people don't know this. And if they have heard it, they ignore it. Sometimes out of selfish motives, but I think a lot of time becase the people they see claiming to believe in this power, this Jesus, are cruel, judgemental, and quite often, mean. 

It's a lot to swallow, I know, and maybe I'm striking a nerve inside of you. But, there is such a difference between having convictions and wanting to live a life consecrated to Jesus and pointing an accusatory finger at people and making them feel absolutely terrible about their life. 

I'm not promoting turning a blind eye to someone's sin, but I am promoting loving someone despite their sin. What do we think Jesus' ENTIRE ministry was about? Loving US despite our sins. 

There is no degree of sin in God's eyes. There is simply those who have made His Son their Lord, and those who He is waiting to accept His Son as their Lord. Those that He is waiting for, He loves them just as much as those who already have. 

We cannot ever forget that. We MUST not forget that. 

It's a must. 

We have got to love those people--the broken, lost, living in the dark people--so that they may come to have understanding and knoweldge of who Jesus is and what He offers. 

People get that most greatly through us, His disciples. We are part of a great commision. Go, make disciples. But, I think we far too often choose who is unworthy and who we don't think would make good disciples. 

But, it's not about us. It's about the Kingdom. And God, Jesus, His Spirit, they don't want ANYONE to miss out. Not one, single person. 

NONE. 

So, why do we? Why aren't we speaking to the poorest, most broken people and inspiring, uplifting and encouraging? Why do I see so many grounded Christian men and women instead pointing the finger at those they deem "vile", "unworthy", "messed up"? I was that person. Without question, without doubt, I was the lowest of low. 

I am humble enough to admit that I wasn't chosen to be a disciple because I have all the answers. I was chosen to be a disciple because Jesus loves me. I was chosen because He has a plan for me. I was chosen because His plan is far greater than what I think of myself, or what anyone else thinks of me. 

It's what Jesus says about us. THAT has to be what we share with the world, with one another. 

I encourage you, friend, (and I truly mean that, FRIEND) to encourage someone today. And, if you are the one that needs encouraging--know, without any question, that you are so loved by the Creator of this Universe, that He sent His Son to pay the penalty for every single thing you have ever done in your entire life. If you accept Jesus as your Lord, you will never experience a Spiritual death. You will live, forever, with a King, that LOVES you! 

YES, YOU! 

Go out, make disciples, and don't choose who you think is worthy to be a disciple. We are ALL worthy, because Jesus died for the WORLD. 

We are less than only Three, friends! 

Awakening

                                   

So much has been happening in the life of our little ginger family. I haven't taken the time to sit and write for almost a month. I have felt the stirring, but have honestly made excuses as to why I couldn't write. Excuses have become a problem in my life the past month, and I have said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH today and listened to the sweet, calming voice within my head. The voice of Jesus--the Holy Spirit. 

That voice has awakened my soul, revived my spirit I cannot even tell you how many times. Today is one of many times that the Spirit has done the work that He is meant to do--dwelling richly within me to accomplish the work of the Father. I have learned greatly that we cannot control the work of the Holy Spirit. He works in ways that we cannot predict or understand. Just as I had no control over my physical birth into this world, I have no control over my spiritual rebirth. 

I like control. I like feeling in control. Far too often in my past I have felt completely out of control in my life and it has riddled me with fear that shakes me to my very soul. That fear has enacted this desire to control everything, and everyone. But, I cannot control the Spirit. I cannot control what He does within me and through me. It is a gift from God, and one that I can either accept and walk in, or squash and squander. 

Accept and walk in is what I greatly desire. I no longer want to squash or squander anything that God gives me. I spent far too many years in my life doing that. But, it's a habit that can be hard to break, and one that sucks you back in so quickly. 

I've been living in that place, that place of squander and squash, for the past month. I've felt down, confused, like I didn't know which way to go. I kept calling out to God for a sign, and getting frustrated when I didn't "see" one. 

I realized yesterday during a much needed 2 mile run, that I was being a lot like Nicodemus in the book of John. I was asking for these signs and such from God, when the truth is I simply needed to believe. I need to have the utmost faith that the God of the Universe was there for me, and would not let me backslide further than He could reach me. 

And sure enough, I saw that truth this morning as I sat to do my morning devotional with the site SheReadsTruth.com. I needed to drink of and be filled by the living waters of Jesus. I kept walking away from my time with Him, not truly being filled, wanting more. But, the living waters of Jesus, they never leave us empty, or parched. They fill us completely. I wasn't allowing Him to fill me, because I kept waiting and hoping for some sign that He was using me, when I needed to simply walk out in the truth and believe that He was using me for His purposes to advance His Kingdom. 

We are responsible for whom we will obey--and God wants us to choose Him. I was choosing my flesh, the signs that my flesh wanted. But, God wanted me to choose Him, and the truth that He loves me greatly and He has a plan for me each and every day. 

I think we get so wrapped up sometimes in how God is using us, and whether we believe we are good enough to truly be used by God, that we miss how He is truly using us. We have one purpose--to advance the Kingdom. That's it. Be the light in a dark world. That is the purpose of this world--to bring lost souls to a Savior that will give eternal life. We don't have to look for our purpose, wonder if we are being used, we just need to spread the Gospel, speak the Gospel, and He will do the rest. 

We will come up against many challenges in this world. It is a challenging, sin-filled world. Jesus didn't come to rid us of challenges. No, He came to change us on the inside and to empower us to deal with problems from God's perspective. 

I know without a doubt that He is changing me on the inside. That's not the important question. The more important question to ask myself is am I walking with the full assurance that I am changed, and that I have the power to point a light to Christ so that others can be changed?

That is what I want. With my every breath, with my every step, to point to Christ. 

I start to focus sometimes on whether I am a "good enough witness" or what "I' am doing, that I take the focus off of God, and place it on myself. 

I don't want the focus to be anywhere except the Savior who died to save this world. 

As I ran yesterday, God awakened the locked away truth that He is using me, greatly, for His purposes. But, I am not focusing completely on the reality that everything I do, I do for God. Every word I speak, I speak for God. I am not using the gifts He has gven me, to glorify Him. 

Writing, it's one thing He has always laid heavily on me that He wants me to use to glorify Him, and it's one thing I don't do enough. I began my Transparent Thursday series to ease into writing more consistently, and then I allowed that to dwindle down. I feel very heavily that He is calling me to write more, share my heart more, even if it needs realigning. That is okay! I don't have to worry about the realigning, He will do that all on His own. I simply need to glorify. I simply need to be willing to be used. 

And oh, I am willing to be used. 

I am willing to sacrifice everythingi n order to be used for the glory of God. 

As I read through the Bible, I will share my heart more. I will be honest and open about what I am reading and how it is impacting my life. As I walk through my day, I will write more about how He is shaping me, and my family, and how we are looking to Him to empower us. As I seek to become mentally and pysically fit, I will share more of my journey, hoping to inspire others to joing the journey with me. 

I look forwadr to sharing with you, friends, and pray that you will be encoruaged each time you read. 

Transparent Thursday

I haven't written in a few weeks. 

First Thanksgiving came, and then I simply skipped a week. Writing has been put on a back burner lately. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with things that I feel Him layingo n my heart, that I have a hard time separating it all and writing a concise thought. 

Writing is a love and passion that God gave me and it's something that I have always enjoyed. It's also something that I has been used very heavily against me, and as many of my faithful followers will already know, I have suffered greatly with caring far too much with what people say about me. When I come against persecution, I tend to cower away. 

This is something God is fervently working on in my life. 

He's working on so much, refining so much, there are days that I feel like I have whiplash from the constant turning of my head that He seems to do. My head often aches from the proufound lessons He teaches; the intense love He pours over my life. 

This week I want to be honest about the fact that as much as I love God, I love Jesus, I have never read through the Holy Bible. Not one time. 

Honestly, it's seemed very boring to me at times; most of the time. Well, the Old Testament really. The New Testament, that has always been rich to me, while at the same time seemed to be filled with the reminder that I was not good enough. 

A few months ago, around September, God laid heavily on my heart that He wanted me to stop fighting His Word, His statutes, and open up my Bible. He wanted me to saturate myself in the truth that is HIM instead of running from it. 

I wasn't sure I could do it. At first it seemed like an overbearing task and one that I wasn't cut out for. 

But, the more that I read, the more that I fell in love with God. I fell in love with the stories, the rules, the commandments. Yes, even the ones that I could never begin to keep.

Why? Because it has showed me how deeply we, as a world, has always needed Jesus. Every page points to this Savior that saved my life. 

Saved the entire wolrd. 

Each page shows me how intensely people fail, how greatly we break the laws and commandments God set forh, and how fiercly He loves us. 

I am so thankful that I have opened up my Bible and started reading each and every page. I am so thankful to have finally, after years of thinking there were no truths in it for a girl like me, that I have opened up the pages of this proufound book and allowed it to begin saturating my life. 

There are really, really difficult stories to read. There are moments when my heart breaks for people, sinners, who fail so miserably. And each time it just reminds me how badly I have failed in my own life and how desperately I have needed Jesus each and every day. 

Reading the Bible is difficult. It's time consuming. It's not something you can't just decide to do and be done in a few weeks. It's a task. It's a profoundly difficult task. But it's one of the most rewarding tasks I have embarked on thus far in my journey as a Christian. 

I encourage you sweet friend, if you have never read through the Bible, try it! Pray, ask Him to reveal Himself through the pages, and begin reading. Read commentary. Seek advice. Reach out and admit that you have never read the Bible and ask for a little direction. You will not regret your decision! 

I have not regretted a moment of my time in the Word. I love waiking early to read. I love writing in my journal all the truths He is teaching. I simply love the Word of God. 

Open your Bible, friend, and start the incredible journey to knowing the deep and abounding love of the God of the Universe. 

Transparent Thursday--Be filled by the Spirit

                    

I've shared often in the last few months that I used to suffer from binge eating. I've been on a weightloss journey for a year now, but didn't get intensely into it until February '14. Around April was when God undoubtedly revealed to me that I was suffering from binge eating disorder. 

Binge eating is when a person eats a large amount of food in a short amount of time; often feeling out of control while doing so. 

Food holds us captive I believe so often! I want to say in the United States, but honestly that's probably not fair. I'm sure there are plenty of other countries that have people suffering. I think the difference with the U.S. is just that we often have easy access to larger quantities of food! 

For me, I used food to control my emotions. But, there wasn't just one emotion that allowed its presence. If I was sad, I would binge. If I was happy, I would binge. If I was anxious, I would binge. It really didn't matter what I was feeling, because I am an overly sensitive person and go through a range of emotions everyday. Binging was sort of my escape from how I was feeling. 

If I had a really bad day, I would skip meals and rationalize that I could eat an entire package of cookies because I hadn't eaten all day. What was one package when that was all I had eaten that day? 

But, binging didn't only occur when I was alone or after skipping meals. I could also binge at meal time too. I could rationalize to myself that it was okay to eat taco after taco after taco at dinner because "God loves me just the way I am, who cares if I eat 5 tacos and my body doesn't burn it off, God will still love me."

It was terrible for my metabolism. My body was on the fritz. And so was my mind. 

Yes, God without doubt loved me and He loves all of us despite what sin we are living with. 

BUT, He also loves us so much that He wants us to change. 

He wants us to grow. 

He wants to mold us into His image. 

The truth is, I made excuses to justify eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I didn't care what it did to my body--my temple to God. 

It wasn't until God opened my eyes, or I was willing to see the truth, that He was able to set me on this path to understanding how unhealthy I was. Once I walked through the first door, I've been on an endless hallway with door after door after door--all revealing rooms to me that were filled with my sins. 

Here's the thing. Maybe binge eating is something you personally suffer with like I did. The question is, is there a sin or problem that you are not admitting and letting God have because you like the control that you "seem" to have; or even that you like losing control. 

That was me. I liked eating. I really enjoy food. And that's okay. Food in and of itself is not bad. But, the way I dealt with food was bad. I let it hinder my relationship with God. That's what a sin is--it separates us from God. When I was binging, I was separated from God. 

I don't want to be separated from God. I wanted to be fully in His presence. 

But, how could I walk into His presence when I was so busy stuffing food into my system? I couldn't. 

I share this little tid bit as an encouragement that yes, God loves us despite what we are struggling with, but the most amazing part is that He doesn't want us to struggle. He wants to take our pain. He wants to heal our hearts. He wants to take every sin and cast it as far as the east is from the west. 

I see that now. I know that when I am struggling, He will grab my hand and walk with me down that endless hallway--never asking me to open a door to a room with my sins without squeezing my hand intensely. 

He wants to do this for each of us! 

He wants to be there for us. 

He wants to speak truth to us. 

He wants us to see that we are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--Be overwhelmed by HIM

I used to be the woman who freaked out about EVERYTHING. I'm still her at times, but by the grace of God and His mighty, mighty powers I am slowly changing. 

I used to be the woman completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything that this life threw at me, I would sink into a self-loathing anxiety attack faster than I could realize what was happening. 

For years I struggled with my identity. When you don't know where your identity is, the weight of this world can threaten to crush you. You cannot hear the truth of what God says about you because you are too busy listening to the voices that this world speaks. 

But, it is only IN Him that we can truly find our identity. 

I found my identity in this world. I found it in what people said about me, and I found it in the mistakes I made. This crushed me at times. 

Why? 

Because I believed that what people said about me and my past mistakes made up everything about me. 

But, what people think of us doesn't make us who we are. And the sum of our past mistakes doesn't make us who we are. 

God made us who we are. He formed us for a great purpose, one He has called us to.

He says we are royal priests and priestesses, holy and loved. He says we are righteous, redeemed and loved greatly. 

He believed these things to be so true that He was willing to send His one Son to die so that this truth could be our reality. 

We are greatly loved. 

I didn't see that. 

I only saw this world. 

I saw my mistakes, heard the whispers, or sometimes shouts, of the people around me and my spirit was so often crushed. 

Has this happened to you, sweet friend? Don't let it swallow you up as it did me so often.

The payment that Jesus made wipes out every single thing that we think negatively about ourselves, every mistake that we have made, and every lie that someone wants to utter about us. Jesus paid the penalty that we should have paid for one reason and one reason only--He loved us that much. He doesn't want us to believe those lies. He doesn't want us to speak those lies about one another or ourselves. 

Instead, He wants to encounter life-breathing relationships with us. He wants to speak life into our souls. He wants to renew our minds and our spirits so that we understand how greatly we are loved. 

He wants to counter every lie we have come up against with a truth--WE ARE LOVED. 

I missed Jesus for so, so long. I saw only this God that I thought was punishing me. I thought I was rotten and terrible. I thought, "well, if so and so says it, it must be true". 

It's not. 

It never was and it never will be. 

He completely wiped away everything upon that cross. 

We may make mistakes, but when we accept Jesus, the penalty is immediately paid. We no longer have to worry about what this world says or does to us, because Jesus did the most absolute wonderful thing ever--He died for us. 

We don't have to be overwhelmed by what this world hands us, or says to us, instead we can be wholly and completely overwhelmed with how AMAZING GOD IS. 

We can be wholly and completely be overwhelmed by the power of the cross and unashamed because of mercy. 

The song by Big Daddy Weave, overwhelmed, says it perfectly!!!  

We are free. 

We are forgiven. 

We are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--Jesus loves the least of us

                               

(picture via Pinterest)

I have so many different topics on my heart to write about tonight that I have chosen possibly the easiest one to write about--yet the most important ...

JESUS LOVES YOU.

Yes, YOU.

Despite your mistakes, despite your downfalls, despite how badly you messed up yesterday, today or even tomorrow, JESUS LOVES YOU. 

He loved you when He formed you, He loved you when He hung upon a cross and died for your sins rising again in defeat of those sins; He will love you when you mess up so badly that you don't know where else to turn.

JESUS LOVES YOU. 

He loves you if you lied today. He loves you if you stole today. He loves you if you drank too much today. He loves you if you fall victim to drugs today. He loves you if you said a curse word today. He loves you if you had an adulterous relationship today. He loves you if you murdered someone in your mind today, or even committed the act today. He loves you if you gossipped today. He loves you if you turned your back on someone today. He loves you if you yelled at your child today. He loves you if you gave up your child today. He loves you if you said you hated someone today. He loves you if you don't even love yourself. 

JESUS LOVES YOU. 

This might sound like something that is easy for me to say, this might sound like the most cliche thing I could write about; but it is the honest truth and I feel very deeply that not enough people are standing in this truth today! 

JESUS LOVES YOU. 

He loves the least of us. He loves us when we are nothing. 

He loves the weak, the poor, the mistakes and the mess ups. 

That describes every single one of us whether we want to admit it or not.

We are all riddled with sins. Some we easily admit; some we hide from others; some we don't even realize are sins, but oh, oh they are. 

But, JESUS LOVES US. 

He desires one thing, an intimate relationship with us--and through that relationship He transforms us! He transforms us into His image, His masterpiece. 

But, His love doesn't stop while we are still fallen. No, He loves us despite our fallen nature. 

He IS love. 

He loves me. 

He loves you.

Know, that you  are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--set the captives free

There were moments in my past where sin held me so captive, I hoped for death. There were days that were so unbearable that I truly asked God to take me from this world and not continue my suffering! That's the real reason I tried to obey and begin this Transparent Thursday series! I felt this urgency to walk with Him as He set captives free--as He did me. I felt this urgency to join Him in a fight that threatened my existence on so many occassions--the fight against a dark and powerful enemy. I don't write these blogs to live in the past, but to reclaim the past honestly. I cannot ever go back and change my past, but I can shine a light on the sins that I lived with so that anyone currently living in them can see that Jesus is very much present in their current circumstances as well. 

That's what I aim to do each week when I write. Sometimes it's hard for me. Not necessarily walking through some of the memories, because the memories don't pain me anymore because I have TRULY been set free; but from the sin that still cripples me at times--the weight of caring too much about what others think of me. That sin, it stops me often. I don't want to write for the simple reason of not wanting someone to "judge" me or "look down on" me. But, He is much stronger than this sin that He is working to eradicate from my life, and He always pushes me and blesses me for my obedience! 

I've shared enough of my testimony for you all to know, I was a walking posterboard for sin! If it was a sin, I was engaged in it. Sex, drugs, lieing, cheating, you name it, I probably engaged in it. The mental games I played with myself, and allowed the enemy in to play with me, oh it threatened to swallow me up. I couldn't understand that what Jesus did on that cross, and then by rising again, that was literally the defeat of sin. Sin COULD literally have no hold on me anymore if I allowed Him to be Lord. 

He can do the same for you. 

He can do the same for this entire world. 

Our nation, and the rest of the world! 

THE ENTIRE WORLD. 

That's what He wants. He doesn't want any of us to be bound by the chains of sin. He doesn't want any of us to have the shackles of sin wrapped around our body, holding us down. No. He wants to set us free. 

I want to see us free; I long to see us free! 

I remember when I was in college, after each sexual tryst, I would call out to Him, but not for healing--instead I would cry out that I was a disgusting, worthless woman not deserving of Him. 

Have you done this, friend? 

Each time I broke His heart. Each time I ignored the truth of His grace and mercy and instead believed the lie that my flesh and the enemy fed me. 

But, He washed all of that away in a moment of surrender. 

In a mere moment of surrender, when I laid down my entire life, held nothing back, He set me free. I couldn't keep bits and pieces to myself, and only let Him have the pieces I thought I couldn't handle. I had to be honest that I could not handle one single piece of my life. 

We all have to admit this. We all have to admit that there isn't a single part of our life that we can handle without Jesus. Pride, arrogance, they'll try and tell us we're good enough. Pride, arrogance, they'll try and convince us that we don't have to admit that mistake, or we don't have to call out to Him because we're doing just fine. 

But, it's not true. Now, that can be hard to hear, I know. I didn't want to hear it, and you may not be ready to hear it as well. And you know what, friend, that's okay. It's okay because Jesus is still with you. That's the most amazing and awe-inspiring part of Jesus. When we push Him aside, when we say we don't need Him, He let's us freely make that choice, but He never walks away. He never says, "okay, he/she has this handled, I'll go help someone else." 

No.

He stays. 

He never goes further than a hand reach. He will always pull us out of the miry pit we find ourselves in. He will always pull us out of the trap we inadvertently step on in a forest filled with traps. 

He is El Shaddai--God Almighty. 

He sets captives free. 

Are you being held captive today? Is there a present sin or a past mistake that you just cannot find relief from? 

I've been there, friend. I find myself there sometimes still, and I can tell you from personal experience, He will pull you out, dust you off--you must do one and one thing only....ASK HIM TO. 

Daily.

Hourly.

Minute by mintue. 

Don't accept that you are worthless. Don't accept that He has washed His hands of you. Instead, reach out to Him and watch as He sets you free, each and everyday.

Remember, you are less than only THree.  

Blogger love day, day 20--love is Jesus Christ

Today, tomorrow and forever.

What does that mean to you? 

I have so enjoyed being a participant in this blogger love dare. It's been beautiful to get back in and be challenged to truly love without end. 

For me, the above statement is breathtaking. Why? Beause, it's a small, subtle reminder that Jesus is with me today, tomorrow and forever--like literally forever and ever and ever. 

Jesus came to seek and save--which means He sought me and saved me. How beautiful is that, I mean really? 

Have you taken the time in your life to STOP and ask Jesus to save you? Maybe you have, maybe you did it as a little girl, but somewhere along the way you strayed and walked away. I did. That's part of my testimony, not walking intimately with Jesus. But, maybe you haven't. Maybe you keep telling yourself there is more time. I encourage you to do so, today, because tomorrow is not promised. I encourage you to step into intimacy with Jesus, and do not hesitate. 

That's what He wants--a truly intimate relationship with us. He loved us at every moment, He LOVES us at every weak and not pretty moment. 

Do I love like that? Do you love like that? That's what I have to constantly ask myself. Do I love my husband despite what he might do to hurt me? Do I love despite what he says or does or how he behaves? 

The truth is, not often, but I want to. I want to love like Jesus. I desire a love that sees no mistake, and instead loves passionately. I can do this, but only in Christ. I cannot work hard enough to love my husband. I can do enough to "prove my love" to him. 

Why? 

Because true love is found in Christ alone. I can be an instrument, used by God, to meet the needs of my husband. And as a result, he can then walk in the fullness and blessings of my love for him, without question. 

Have you taken God at His Word? Do you trust Him for salvation? Take today's dare if you want that next step, that next commitment to loving beyond what you think you are capable of. 

And remember, you are less than only Three.

Transparent Thursday -- we are loved

                       

I have felt this stirring today to speak an encouraging word over those that are struggling with understanding that JESUS LOVES. 

What a better time than on Transparent Thursday!! We all know I'm loving opening my heart and being honest with you all. 

I see so much hurt, so much bondage in so many people around the world. I read "comments" on news feeds, and my heart just breaks at the truth that I see--people simply do not know that Jesus loves them. There are some that totally deny His existence, and there are some who seem to be so hurt by something in their past that their heart is just hardened to see the truth--that He is with them always. 

I know for me personally, I always knew that Jesus was real, alive and my Savior. What I COULD NOT GRASP was that the mistakes I was making, the mistakes that seemed to fill my existence didn't negate that I was loved by Him. They actually only affirmed them. 

I remember during my college years, my self-loathing was the worst. The sexual immorality was where it started. After I was raped, my heart seemed to stop beating at times--not physically of course but emotionally. I could stop myself from thinking of Him, drawing closer to Him, and it made it easier to sink further and further into this world that I used to make myself "happy". I felt so dirty after I was raped, I felt like people could literally LOOK at me and see filth, so it made it so much easier in my warped, twisted mind to be the woman I thought everyone already knew I was. I stopped talking about God or Jesus with anyone, I stopped praying, and I did two things--I drank, heavily, and I had sex, a lot of it. 

This was the enemy's plan to keep me from drawing closer to God. He wanted me to feel filthy, so that I wouldn't open my eyes to the reality that Jesus loved me EVEN THEN. Yes, His desire was for me to stop being sexually immoral, but His desire MORE was that I simply draw closer to Him. Drawing closer to Him was the ONLY way I was ever going to be able to stop doing what I was doing. 

Jesus--He is the only one that can change our desires. 

Jesus--He is the only one that can ever make us "feel" worthy. 

Jesus--He COUNTS US WORTHY. 

Let me ask you, sweet friend, how do you feel about yourself? When you look in the mirror, do you see a royal priest/priestess? Do you see a holy vessel? Do you see a beloved man/woman of the one true King? 

That's what you should see! That's what we should all see! 

I still struggle on days to see her. There are still days that the enemy and my flesh try and convince me that these things are not true, that the mistake I just made with my husband, or the mistake with my children, or even the mistake that I made all of those years ago negates Jesus' love for me. 

It's not true! It's a total and utter lie that we cannot give any weight to. We must rebuke those lies! 

I don't care how many friends or family members have said you are disgusting, I don't care how many friends or family members have told you they won't accept your apology and that you will always be the same horrid person THEY BELIEVE you are--IT IS NOT TRUE. 

It is a LIE! Those are lies from the enemy, not even from that person in all truthfulness. He uses our own flesh, and the flesh of others to plants seeds of doubt. He allows us to think so many horrible things about ourselves that we want to walk further and further away from God so that we don't have to lean into Him. He thinks he will win this way. 

But, Jesus is our victor. He defeated everything when He hung upon that cross, and rose again, and that is the end of it. 

Jesus loves us. 

Passionately. 

Deeply. 

Without end. 

There is no mistake, no sin, no horrible deed that He thinks to Himself, "wow, she's a rotten sinner and I don't want her in my Kingdom." 

NOPE! 

He doesn't say anything like that! 

Instead, He says, "come my child, you who are weary and weak, let me carry your burden!" That is what He says, and He truly means it. 

So, my friend, if you are struggling to believe, truly believe that Jesus loves you, rest in the total and absolute truth, HE DOES! And if you are struggling to believe that He can change your life, rest in this total and absolute truth, HE CAN. And if you are struggling to even believe that there is a Jesus, I can only say, HE IS REAL AND HE IS ALIVE. 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

Transparent Friday

                                       

I didn't write my Transparent Thursday post yesterday, why you might ask? Well, as I've shared a ton, these posts are specifically chosen by God, and I want to honor that. I want to write about only what He chooses to have me write about, and honor Him in all of my writing. 

I didn't feel a stirring yesterday. Sure, there were things on my heart that I thought would make a good post, and things I "transparently" wanted to write about, but nothing that I felt was of Him. 

That was, until this morning. 

God is doing weird, crazy, amazing things in me and in my family. And I could not be more thrilled. 

Yesterday we had dinner with a ministry couple, and to say that they helped answer the question I've been asking God would be an understatement. 

Have you ever felt like God cannot use you? 

Have you ever been TOLD that God cannot use you? 

I have. Both. I've felt like there was nothing important or powerful inside of me and I've been told that there was nothing good inside of me. 

When I first started walking intimately with God six years ago, I began writing less than Three. At that time, I heard many people say that I needed to understand what my "place" was. I needed to understand that I couldn't teach youth, I couldn't speak openly because I was a woman and various other things; some of the issues were my gender, and some were the sinful life I had come out of. 

I warred with myself because of this. I was angry with God. I was angry with myself. I wanted to serve Him, I felt this calling to serve Him, and when I "felt" like no one accepted me, I became more and more bitter. 

I couldn't understand why God would allow me to experience the horrendous life I experienced if there wasn't something powerful and amazing He was going to do in my life NOW. 

Was the amazing and powerful thing simply my salvation? That's what I was told often; that I needed to just appreciate that God had saved me from my wretched ways and sit back and bask in His goodness. 

I tried that; but I had a spirit that wanted to come alive. It couldn't come alive because I kept squashing it. 

I met new friends, tried church after church, tried to mold myself into the perfect Christian woman that did everything as I was asked. Finally, I started to blackslide into my old ways. I couldn't keep the fascade up. I couldn't be this woman that everyone kept saying I needed to be. 

I remember falling down in my shower at an old house and just crying out to God, "why, why won't you just save me? Why won't you work in me? What is wrong with me?"

I never felt like I heard an answer. 

Until recently--and undoubtedly last night. Last night He pulled the scales off that had formed over my eyes. 

He wasn't able to use me the way He wanted to because I wasn't truly being the woman HE wanted me to be. I wasn't stepping into the calling He set forth for me. I was trying to mold myself into every version that this world wanted, but never the one that He knit together in my mother's womb. He cannot use someone that isn't accepting the gifts He gives them. He cannot use someone that fights against His calling. 

Do you do this friend? Accept what the world says, or your own head, instead of trusting and believing that He has something special and powerful JUST FOR YOU? Do you think it's impossible for God to use you because you have messed up so badly, been such a disgrace in the world that you believe it is a reflection of who you truly are?

Don't believe that lie. Don't believe that nonsense. Because, let me assure you my friend, it is nonsense. God has a plan and a purpose for each of us, and that plan and purpose will advance His kingdom in some way. 

I have believed for a long time that God wouldn't use me because I was was so disgraceful. It turns out, the disgrace I brought to myself, it's the exact reason HE CHOSE TO USE ME. 

Be who God called you to be, sweet friend, and don't accept what anyone else says, and that includes yourself. Step into God's calling for your life, and step out of the mere existence you're living today. 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--I was a binge-eater

Writing is slowly becoming a large part of my every day life again. I started the Transparent Thursday series to try and ease back into the blogging world, and I admit, it was a little tough at first. Blogging can be a bit painful if you don't have a thick skin--skin protected by Christ. You lay your heart out there, and you always run the risk of someone not agreeing with you, being mean towards you, or flat out nasty in some cases; and for me, this was a deterent in blogging regularly again--especially about Christ. Writing about Christ brings a lot of emotions out of people. 

But, this series has helped a lot with the fears and angst I was living with. This series, and the book of course. Writing less than Three was really where I had to develop a pretty tough skin. It's a TOUGH BOOK TO READ. It's a tough book on SO MANY LEVELS, and I really put my life out there in a real and transparent way. I knew I would get haters, but what I knew much more than that was that I had a calling from God to expose my life in an attempt to bring sin to light. 

I did that, and have been truly blessed since. And blogging has been much easier since then. 

This summer I wrote a little on the negative feedback that I received regarding my weight loss, and that I ended up deleting a post after an estranged family member wrote a comment that really dug deep. 

I was so wrong for allowing that comment to deter me, but I really should have thought more about my post as well. I want to be an encouragement, never a stumbling block. It's okay that people take my weight loss negatively. It really is. When someone loses as much weight as I did in such a short amount of time, it can cause many people to wonder, "what did she do?" And with those kinds of questions come many assumptions. When I first started receiving the negative comments, I was hurt. Not because I wanted people to embrace me, but because I had worked so hard to lose the weight that I wanted that to be the focus, not that I was looking, "unhealthy". 

I had a conversation with my mom about two weeks ago and laid out a few health questions for her. I was experiencing some health things that I was concerned about, and my mom voiced concern that maybe I had taken my weight loss too far. 

When I had written my previous blog, that question and her concerns would have sent me into a tail spin of anger and resentment. But, during this conversation, I was able to focus on Christ, what He had laid on my heart, and answer her respectfully and honestly. 

That conversation led to this post. 

I suffered from a debilitating disorder called binge-eating, but I didn't recognize that for a long time into my losing weight process. 

Why did I try and lose weight in the first place? 

What is the point of being healthy? And what exactly IS healthy? 

For me, I wanted to get closer to God. I wanted to free myself of the negative thoughts in my head, and stop the things I was doing to my body. 

There were days when I couldn't walk up the steps without being winded. I never got down on the floor and played with my kids, because I had no motivation to be active with them. I didn't run around the yard with them or chase them around. I just couldn't do that because my body wasn't healthy or moving the way it needed to. 

I was turning 30 years old and the thought that I was truly an "adult" screamed in my head. I needed to learn to take care of my body, so that I would be around to take care of my children for many years. 

The first thing I did was give up diet soda. I thought I would just give it up for 30 days, that was my goal. But, the more the days went by, the more I saw my body improving. I lost about 14lbs within mere weeks from water weight. The aspartame in the soda wasn't being broken down properly because our bodies don't know how to break down that fake sugar. I drank nothing but water for 30 days, and the way my body changed simply blew my mind. I couldn't believe how much my bloating went down and how much my stomach shrunk. 

I started to pray, heavily. I wanted God to help me understand what it meant to be healthy. I wanted to understand what He wanted my body to be like. 

He answered in a mighty way. I had to be mentally fit first. I had to put Him first, and after that everything else would fall into place. 

Well, He was right. He always is. By praying and relying on Him, He continued showing me where my problem areas were. 

Binge-eating. 

What exactly is binge-eating? Binge-eating is a disorder in which someone frequently consumes large amounts of food in a sitting. Now, we all overeat a little on OCCASSION, such as holidays by having multiple plates of food at Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, for those that suffer as I did, over-eating crosses the line to binge-eating when it is a regular occurence and done in secret. 

That was me. 

Often times the binge-eater will be ashamed of what they have done, and vow to never do it again, but the urge always wins and binging occurs again, causing more shameful feelings. 

This was me to a T. I have been binge-eating since college as a coping mechanism. I wondered at first whether drugs had started my binge-eating, but it was through prayer that I realized that my binging began in the confines of my apartment very shortly after my rape and sodomy, long before drugs were a part of my life. 

I couldn't control anything in my life, but I could take in food and control the thoughts I was having. I could replace the shame and guilt I was feeling about what had happened to me and the sexual endeavors I was engaging in by binging--I replaced my rape shame with binge shame. 

And I continued that for almost 10 years, until finally God pulled the scales off of my eyes and opened me up to what I was living with. 

As I have walked closer to God in the past 6 years the shame ate me up at times. I would make promise after promise after promise to stop and then something always made me binge again. I would pray and pray and it didn't seem to ever feel like He was helping me. 

Why? Why was I doing that to myself? Why wasn't He helping me?

The answer for me was deeply rooted sin that I was holding onto instead of surrendering. There were sins in my life that I had never admitted. There were things in my life that I needed to talk about and express, and I wasn't wililng to do that anymore because I had been so very ostracized when I tried in the past--especially as a Christian. So, I hid my feelings and I binge-ate in secret and let the shame of continue eating me up.

This past summer everything in my life changed. As I was obedient in writing less than Three and was willing to admit EVERYTHING in my life, God showed me so many things about myself. Binge-eating was one of them. 

But, once I knew what the problem was, things didn't all of a sudden get better. No, it took much prayer and a lot of His power to stop doing it. I had to change everything about my eating habits. I had to put really small portions on my plate so that I wasn't tempted to gobble everything down in one sitting. Instead, I put small portions on my plate and let it digest, and then if I am still hungry, which I usually am, I get a second plate. Not a second plate of massive amounts, but a second plate of reasonble portions for someone who is struggling to control themself. 

I also added in working out. I had always told myself that I wasn't the "workout type", but that was just an excuse to be lazy truthfully. I really didn't want to give up binging. I knew if I started to workout, I would probably want to stop binging, and I really didn't want to do that deep down, because it helped me focus my shame somewhere else other than on my past. 

But, something kept screaming at me that it would really help with my mood. (ahem, I know that voice was the Spirit, ahem) So, I started working out WITH my kids. We made it part of homeschool. Our workouts took about 15 mins, and the kids loved it. The more they loved it, the more we increased what we did, and then the more I loved it. The more I loved it, the more I wanted to continue it. 

At the beginning of the summer I decided to start running. I really didn't like running, I still don't, but I do enjoy the feeling afterwards. I decided I wanted to try a 4-miler that was in my hometown that raised money for breast cancer awareness. Now, remember, I said I don't enjoy running, so when I decided to do it I really didn't want to focus on trying to be fast, I just wanted to accomplish it. I still don't have a fast mile by any means, but I can get it done without feeling like I am going to die and that is a huge feat for me, personally. I've realized it's all about personal goals and not comparing yourself to others! 

When I decided that I was going to do the 4-miler a friend of mine posted that her husband was going to start a personal training session on Saturday mornings in preparation for anyone who may be gearing up for walks/runs and I decided to jump in and join them. I had no idea what I was getting into, and I'm glad I didn't because had someone "warned" me, my laziness would have stopped me. 

I am so thankful I started that workout with them this summer because it really showed me what I am capable of and what my body can do. Wow. God made some magnificent beings in us! Our bodies can do remarkable things. I've pushed myself beyond limits that I knew for sure I couldn't accomplish, and guess what, I accompilshed them. I not only accomplished them, but I felt good. I not only felt good, but I was losing weight, a lot of weight. And then, not only was I losing weight, but I was toning and gaining muscle. 

It was all so amazing. 

He is so amazing!!

Today, my favorite workouts are pushups, pullups and rowing; like seriously I LOVE THESE WORKOUTS! I wish I could do them everyday, and guess what, I'm considering buying my own straps so that I CAN. I never imagined that I would get to this point. 

I've been introduced to beachbody workouts and let me tell you what, they are incredible. I am gearing up to start a new workout called piyo and starting a protein shake called shakeology and I'm stoked to see what these two things do to my body. Like, stoked! 

I've met some incredible women that have encouraged me throughout these months. Many I workout with on Saturdays, but many simply through social media. Social media has been such an encouragement to me through these months and I wouldn't trade one picture I've posted or one moment of being transparent because each time I have gained beautiful rewards. 

Today, I am down 85 lbs from where I was one year ago, and about 60lbs from where I was when I started this journey in March. Yes, that's a lot of weight--but more than that it's a lot of FREEDOM. Freedom from something that was really ruining my life--binge-eating. 

God has truly freed me from this disorder, and I can truly and honestly admit that I have not binged since the very moment that He showed me I was suffering. The moment I surrendered that He has walked closely with me and I have felt a supernatural strength to keep from going back. I have overeaten a few times at dinners, yes. There were times when I was learning how to eat properly, what to eat, what was healthy to eat. But, I have not indulged in binging since probably June of this year...wow, I'm just realizing how long it's been. 

He truly is amazing. 

Are you struggling today, friend? Maybe you're not struggling with binging the way I did, but maybe you're struggling with unhealthy eating, not eating enough, skipping meals to try and "lose weight"? Maybe you've just accepted that you are a little heavy and "it's okay because God made us all different" and that's totally and completely true, but He wants us to be healthy and in Him, not just accept a sin we may not want to give over to Him. Whatever your personal situation is, I encourage you to write it down. Write down your weaknesses and give them over to God in prayer. Food should not be a weakness for us; it should fuel our bodies and minds, not control our bodies and minds! 

This is me over one year ago, before I decided to lose weight, when I just accepted my life and my binging:

Here is me after I decided I wanted to try and lose a little weight:

And here is me today, feeling better, no longer binging, and in my personal opinion, looking better:

I am currently trying to gain about 10-15lbs of muscle, yes muscle! I am also having to drink an insane amount of water because I was not drinking nearly enough to keep up with my working out. The conversation with my mom led to the reality that I was suffering a bit from dehydration and it was causing problems with my health. As long as I drink enough water, the problems I had been experiencing are non-existent. 

I encourage you today, friend, to get healthy, mentally and physically. Maybe you think I lost too much weight and you're not about to go the route I did, and that's okay! But, I do encourage you to see if there is anything you feel you are not giving over to God regarding your food intake and LET IT GO! 

And remember, mentally fit and then physically fit. It's not about getting skinny, it's about getting healthy. 

I am here to help you in anyway I can, and I promise you, I WANT TO HELP! 

You can email me at womenwalkingupright@gmail.com 

You are less than only Three.

Love Dare

What does love mean to you? 

What does marriage mean to you?

Is it long-suffering? Is it patient? Does it know NO end? 

It's been a difficult road for me, as I learn to love my husband the way I am called to. I have always given him what I thought he deserved, never what Christ said he should be given. If he upsets me or hurts my feelings, I always thought it was okay to do the same. An eye for an eye, right? If he hurt me, you best believe I was going to hurt him. 

Honestly, this mentality rang true for every relationship in my life, until very recently. 

Not too long ago God pulled the scales off of my eyes. He showed me what true love is and He instilled truth in me--His truth. 

I wasn't loving anyone in my life. I wanted to believe it was because I didn't know how to love; that I had never been properly taught. That might be the case, but it's not an excuse to continue living in sin. God gave me all that I need to love properly, whether any other human modeled it for me or not--Jesus in His human state did. He hung on a cross, in human form, and He loved in a way I can model my life after. He gave His life for me, and I want to give my life back to Him. 

Giving my life back to Him means I love in the way He loves--without regard to what someone else has done. I do not hold grudges, I do not hold an account as to what someone has done--I am not a clanging cymbal. 

I simply.....love. 

I am participating in a bloggers challenge where each day a blogger will tackle one of the 40 love dares. I am day 20, and we are currently in day 3. So much truth was revealed through that book, and through the movie Fireproof--but so much MORE truth is revealed when you follow Christ and read the Word. I long to emulate the love that He showed, and I long to become the woman He formed me to be in my mother's womb. Will you join us? 

Check out my instagram each day, _gingermom5_ for the current dare and join along as we learn to love our spouses the way God called us to! 

Transparent Thursday--reading the Bible all the way through

For the first time since I have felt called to write this series, God hasn't urgently pressed anything on my heart. There are defintely quite a few things I want to write about; sexual immorality, drug addiction, familial strains--but I don't think this is the week He wants me to write about them. 

This week, this week has been a quiet week--quiet in the Spirit. I spent A LOT OF TIME IN THE WORD, and honestly that's what I feel led to talk about! 

I'm going to keep it short, because honestly I feel lousy today. I'm not sure if I am coming down with something or if it is just the life of an exhausted stay-at-home mom, but I simply feel crummy. 

Transparency--I've never read through the entire Bible. 

Nope, never. 

I've read through the New Testament once, about 4 years ago, and I retained a little, but nothing to the extent that I know He would have liked. 

I've read a few books of the Old Testament, and really only retained the big stories that I think the entire world knows, even the non-believers; so really what did I "gain"? 

Not a lot. 

The truth is, I've never understood the Bible. Before I rededicated my life to walking with Christ, I was scared of the Bible. I was scared of this perceived God that seemed to judge and give out terribly harsh consequences. I believed at that time that He was punishing me for my terriby sinful life and I really didn't care to know what He said or how He said to live. 

Once I did dedicate my life to Him, I tried reading the Scriptures, but I approached it still with this attitutude that He was judging me. Every verse, every chapter screamed at me that I was disgusting and shameful and could never enter the Kingdom. 

That was the enemy, I believe, trying very boldly to keep me from becoming intimate with God. Now, I know that the enemy is not omni-present, as in he is not everywhere and he was not always physcially keeping me from reading, but the lies that he placed in my life kept me from falling at the foot of the cross and walking under grace. That separation kept me from truly seeing the beauty in Scripture. 

That has changed recently. 

A few months ago I found something called "Bible Journaling" and I cannot even begin to tell you what this did to my walk, to my reading, to my intimacy with Christ. 

I long to open my Bible now, to hear Him, to see His beauty, to allow His truths to resonate within me. 

I've always been a journaler, since I was a little girl. But, what I would do throughout my entire life was STOP journaling when the shame would take me over. I couldn't handle the shame I felt and if that shame made its way to physical words on a paper, I had to stop writing. I've always stopped writing. 

Today, I want the words to pierce me deeply. I want to write what's on my heart, with no regard to what anyone else may think--only Him. I am confidant of what He says about me now, and I can rest in knowing that even if the words I write are harsh or need to be clarified more, He will show me. He isawesome  like that. He simply wants me to worship Him and be honest about what is in my heart. 

That is my focus when I read now, worshipping and praising Him. 

I have chosen a few books to read throughout the past few months, and I have been deeply changed through them. But, I have felt this urgency to read the Bible, in its entirety, cover to cover, and I was weary at first. Many churches do this as a whole, but I didn't want to rush through it. I really wanted to take my time, but yet be in a community with other people.

So, I decided to reach out to a few girlfriends, and post on my FB to see if anyone was interested in doing it with me--low and behold, women were feeling the same desire to read as I was. 

There's a website called goodmorninggirls.com by Courtney Joseph that is doing this currently, and Courtney so graciously created a plan to go along with the reading, as well as some study notes. 

I decided to adapt the plan to my life, and begin reading immediately. I completed Chapter 1 today and LET ME TELL YOU, the Spirit worked through me! 

I think everyone pretty much knows the creation account, again even non-believers. But, as I took my time, wrote, prayed, and used my pens and stickers, I just felt different about it. 

I mean, God created the entire WORLD out of His mouth--He spoke, and it was done. Created. No question. No lag time. Simply, created. 

How is that not amazing? Well, I think it is. 

So, today marked my journey of reading the Bible, cover to cover, for the very first time in 30 years. I am excited, and I am nervous to see what He has waiting for me. 

If you would like to join me, please, reach out and let me know. I would love to have you on my team! Holding each other accountable is such a fun, and encouraging way to do this journey together! 

You can find me on FB as: Ashley Hermsmeier or instagram as _gingermom5_ 

I cannot wait to hear and see all the way through these pages that we are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--what does bringing darkness to light mean?

It's that day again, Transparent Thursday. When I went to bed last night I THOUGHT I knew what I would write on today. But, like always, He showed me that MY ways are not HIS ways. 

What does it mean to bring darkness to light for you, friend? I have wondered this ever since I published less than Three. I have wondered why I revealed many of the truths that I did in that book (and yes, they are truths and not made up as some want to claim), and why He has pressed so heavily on me to have this recurring series. 

Darkness.

Light. 

What do they mean? I mean, really?

Doesn't everyone WANT to live in the light? Doesn't everyone long to have their sins exposed so they can live a more freeing, open life helping others to find freedom?

I've found that the answer is a big, NO.

No, most people do not want to come out of the darkness and into the light. 

MOST actually PREFER the dark over the light. 

I was one of those people. I was one of the people for YEARS after finding Christ that sat, shamefully, in the dark, too afraid to admit my mistakes. I was the person that was reminded, by myself, by the enemy and by family (never friends, I have some of the best of them, but always family) that would remind me, incessantly, about the mistakes that I have made. I walked around with this idea that I had to find fault in others just to make myself feel better--I couldn't stand to have my sins pointed out. 

I would hide my past. I would only discuss things that I thought people would "understand". I tried everything humanly possible to medicate myself whether it be with cocaine, alcohol, sex or marijuana. I did this for A LONG TIME. 

I don't mind discussing my downfalls anymore. I don't mind bringing my sins to light, because THEY HAVE NO HOLD ON ME. 

But, not everyone feels this way. A lot of people, they cannot remotely handle their sins being exposed, not in the slightest, and when I began openly admitting mine, boy oh boy did I make people uncomfortable. 

But, I don't think it was me. I think the Holy Spirit began stirring inside of many, pressing on them to begin bringing their sins to light too. 

I don't believe any of us should deny that we have made MONUMENTAL mistakes and I also don't think that every person should begin writing about their sins and mistakes the way I have. I was called to do this--it's defintely not for everyone, nor SHOULD it be. We all have different ways of serving the Kingdom, this just happens to be my way. 

BUT, I do believe that God wants every single one of us to admit to each other how badly we fail. I whole-heartedly believe that the Holy Spirit is doing a mighty work within people and stirring up real emotions regarding my posts and my book. 

Why? Because the enemy has a hold of us when we live in the darkness. When we step into the light, and we say "enemy, you have NO hold on me", we lose those chains we were bound by. 

And Jesus died so that those chains would be released. 

Bondage. 

Jesus died to release us from bondage to sin. Sin has no hold on us when we release it. 

I've heard many times that people don't find it necessary to "air their dirty laundry the way I do" and that's fine; however I don't see it as "airing my dirty laundry", that is the enemy speaking like that. 

I see it more like this--I lived in the darkness, and I DESPERATELY want to walk in the light now. Walking in the light, FOR ME, means allowing my past to be used as a flashlight to the darkness. I walked through a horrendous life, that has recently been called "make believe", because God wanted to use my life to help those currently walking through similar if not the same types of things--sexual immorality, addiction, shame, guilt, a sin-riddled life. 

And, I'M ON BOARD. I am okay with Him using my life to illuminate Him. I am okay with admitting how badly I was broken, how badly I messed up so that I can point a light to the ONE who saved me. 

Those who aren't okay with this, they have their own ideas of what it means to bring darkness to light, and that's okay. I'm okay with not everyone agreeing with my calling. 

I am also okay with those that don't want me to speak because they want to stay hidden in the darkness. I am okay with this, but the question is--is God? 

Is Jesus?

If you believe the answer is yes, then my next question would be--what did Jesus' death really do? If it didn't free us from sin, if it didn't release our chains, what did it really do? 

For me, it released me from the hell I was living--that I often times created myself and many times had a bent enemy who wanted to keep me FAR FROM GOD because he knew what God would do with me if I ever admitted what I had been through and done. He would do a MIGHTY work. I was enthralled by the works of the enemy. I wanted Jesus, but I wanted MY life too. I wanted a cozy existence and that meant no one, EVER, could know the things I had said, done, had done to me, or that I had done to others. 

I could never admit that I had been "the other woman", people would look at me like I was DISGUSTING. I felt disgusting, why wouldn't others think the same thing? I could never admit that cocaine helped me numb the pain I was experiencing in 2009--still reeling from my rape and sodomy only 6 years prior--AFTER I had rededicated my life to Christ. And I could NEVER admit that without marijuana, my night terrors kept me up for YEARS, and that since giving it up, I have not slept well for a very long time (that truth comes in the next book). 

I couldn't admit these things for a long time. 

I can now, I can now because THEY HAVE NO HOLD ON ME. But, they were real in my life. They were real for a long time. 

I couldn't handle my extended family discussing my life with EVERYONE they were friends with, so I hid my sins. I hid them from the world because I was so ashamed of these things they wanted to expose to the world. 

I AM NO LONGER ASHAMED. 

Jesus finds no shame in me. The greatest part, He never did. He knew, as He hung on that cross that I would do the things I did, and yet, I WAS STILL COUNTED WORTHY. 

THAT reality set me FREE. 

My family's opinion of me, even your opinion sweet friend, although it still weighs heavily on me sometimes, IT DOESN'T DEFINE ME. Jesus defines me. 

What does Jesus say about me?

He says I am a royal priestess, a holy chosen child of His and I am redeemed by His blood--no longer bound by the shackles I wore. 

I AM SET FREE. 

He says the same of you, friend. He counts you worthy, He wants to release you from whatever bondage you are under. But, the question is, do you feel like you are living under bondage?

I'm finding recently that many deny they have any bondage to be freed from. I'm finding so many people deny that they have sins within them they need to be released from, and that used to disturb me, but NOW, it gives me opportunity to pray. 

Because the TRUTH IS, we ALL have serious bondage to be released from. Whether it be the outright terrible things "done" as I did, or the inner workings of someones heart, there are undoutedly things that Jesus MUST heal. We cannot pretend like someone else's "disgusting sin" is any worse than the mean, negative things we THINK of that person when they admit what they have done. Sin runs deep, very deep, and it starts within each of us. It longs to be kept in the darkness so that Jesus can have no healing over it. Sin doesn't want to be brought to light. It LONGS to stay in the darkness. Sin gains momentum in the darkness. 

But, when we bring our sins to light, when we admit, even in the smallest way that we are struggling with something, we give the enemy and sin NO HOLD ON US. 

Jesus becomes the victor. 

This is why I live the way I live now. THIS is why I write these Transparent Thursday blogs--because I have no problem admitting that I ONCE lived a very bad life. This is why I wrote my book, so that the ones STILL enthralled by the enemy, can know that someone else once lived there too, and that Jesus forgave me, and HE WILL FORGIVE THEM. 

He will forigve you, friend, but, you MUST admit that you are struggling first. You MUST admit that you have darkness and that light can set you free. 

I would love to pray for you if you are struggling. I would love to join you in your journey with Christ, to step out of the darkness and into the light. 

Will you let me walk with you? If not, that's okay! Will you at least admit it to yourself and release it to Him? He is truly the one who can free you. 

Remember, you are less than only Three! 

Less than Three--the ministry

To say that God has done mighty works within me and my family would simply be an understatement. I'm not sure I can adequately describe what God has done, although I will try. 

Coming from the dark as I did, I had no idea how beautiful and vibrant the light would be. I am so thankful to be there now. And I will NEVER go back! Sure, I will undoubtedly have really bad days, months, probably years, but I will simply never be consumed by darkness again. God has assured me that He is with me, loving me, even in my weakest and most challenging moments. 

And the same is true of you, friend. 

God, He's amazing! He's jealous for us, He wants all of us. He doesn't want to share us with this world, He wants our entire being. 

ENTIRE 

When I sat down to write less than Three, I had no idea what I was doing. I simply knew that I felt called to write it. I was scared, TERRIFIED is really a better word, but I wanted DESPERATELY to obey! So, I stepped out and admitted how dark my life truly was. I walked my readers through the most painful parts of my life. 

Why? 

That's a question a few have asked me. The answer was hard to come up with at first, but it's simple now. God wanted to use my life to bring darkness to light. He wanted to use my testimony for anyone still struggling in the darkness. He wanted anyone that is currently walking through any dark tunnel, as I lived in, to know that He is active and present and waiting to bring light to that tunnel. 

I didn't want Him to use my life at first. I was quite irritated and angry at first, and then once it was published, and my family became so angry and mean, I admit, I regretted my decision. I shook my fist a little at God and cried out, "why me"? Poor pitiful 'ol me, right?

Wrong! 

He used me because that's what His purpose was. Let people scoff, I invite the scoffing now. They're not really scoffing or ridiculing me, they are truly scoffing and ridiculing Him.

I am so thankful now to have been used. I don't want to simply proclaim Jesus as my Savior at the end of my life--I want Him to be Lord every single day. 

Lord of my life. Lord over every aspect. 

I thought less than Three would simply be a book, and then He showed me it is much more than that. First He revealed it would be a Trilogy, and that I wasn't expecting. I wasn't prepared to hear that from Him. But, I audibly heard Him tell me there is much, MUCH more He has to reveal to this world through me. And, I willingly step up to the plate now. I am His vessel, waiting to be used however He sees fit. 

I have been fervent in prayer about what exactly He wants from me. What is less than Three. How do I fulfill my calling? How do I reach a broken, and lost world? Because, let's be truly frank and honest--there are a lot of broken and lost people wandering around aimlessly through this world. Most don't even understand that they are lost. Some even say they know Jesus, and continue walking in darkness despite what they "believe". I did! 

How was I to reach these people?

Well, when you ask God to speak to you, you had better be prepared to hear Him and follow Him. There's no turning back when you ask God a direct question. 

What is less than Three? It is a praying ministry. How do I reach a lost world? I PRAY over that world. I engage that world with my heart, and I pray for it. 

I long to take petitions to Him. I long to meditate over problems and give them over to Him. I long to take requests that people don't know how to take themselves, and release them to the Healer--because oh my goodness will He ever heal. Heal in a mighty way. Heal in a way that is unexpected and transforming. 

But, I don't want to just pray for the easy things. Jobs, cars, money, calmness. No, I want to pray for the broken, the dark, the lost and ones that think they're ugly, deep down into their souls. I want people to know they can bring their life to me, and I will pray over them. I will lay hands on them if I can, and if I cannot, I will simply lay hands on their name--written in my personal and private journal. 

"Pray without ceasing" -- 1 Thessalonians 5:17

That is the least and most powerful thing I can do for this world--pray. 

There is nothing that is too much for me to pray over. There is nothing in this world that breaks my heart more than separation from God--and prayer can forge that gap between us and Him. 

So, my dear and sweet friends, if you have a prayer, please send it to me. Please, do not hesitate. If you are broken, lost and just don't know how to reach out to Him, let me go to Him in your place. Let me begin forging that gap for you. Let me pray over you, will you? 

You can reach me at lessthanonlythree@gmail.com

You can reach me on FB at: lessthanthree

It is my sincere and honest prayer that He allow me opportunities to pray over anything and everything. Do not hesitate. Do not think I will judge you--for I have been judge far too much by man, and Jesus thinks I'm just fine the way I am, and the SAME is true of you. 

Reach out, ask for prayer, and watch as the Spirit fills you with a new peace! 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

How can I begin praying for you, friend?