Transparent Thursday--Be filled by the Spirit

                    

I've shared often in the last few months that I used to suffer from binge eating. I've been on a weightloss journey for a year now, but didn't get intensely into it until February '14. Around April was when God undoubtedly revealed to me that I was suffering from binge eating disorder. 

Binge eating is when a person eats a large amount of food in a short amount of time; often feeling out of control while doing so. 

Food holds us captive I believe so often! I want to say in the United States, but honestly that's probably not fair. I'm sure there are plenty of other countries that have people suffering. I think the difference with the U.S. is just that we often have easy access to larger quantities of food! 

For me, I used food to control my emotions. But, there wasn't just one emotion that allowed its presence. If I was sad, I would binge. If I was happy, I would binge. If I was anxious, I would binge. It really didn't matter what I was feeling, because I am an overly sensitive person and go through a range of emotions everyday. Binging was sort of my escape from how I was feeling. 

If I had a really bad day, I would skip meals and rationalize that I could eat an entire package of cookies because I hadn't eaten all day. What was one package when that was all I had eaten that day? 

But, binging didn't only occur when I was alone or after skipping meals. I could also binge at meal time too. I could rationalize to myself that it was okay to eat taco after taco after taco at dinner because "God loves me just the way I am, who cares if I eat 5 tacos and my body doesn't burn it off, God will still love me."

It was terrible for my metabolism. My body was on the fritz. And so was my mind. 

Yes, God without doubt loved me and He loves all of us despite what sin we are living with. 

BUT, He also loves us so much that He wants us to change. 

He wants us to grow. 

He wants to mold us into His image. 

The truth is, I made excuses to justify eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I didn't care what it did to my body--my temple to God. 

It wasn't until God opened my eyes, or I was willing to see the truth, that He was able to set me on this path to understanding how unhealthy I was. Once I walked through the first door, I've been on an endless hallway with door after door after door--all revealing rooms to me that were filled with my sins. 

Here's the thing. Maybe binge eating is something you personally suffer with like I did. The question is, is there a sin or problem that you are not admitting and letting God have because you like the control that you "seem" to have; or even that you like losing control. 

That was me. I liked eating. I really enjoy food. And that's okay. Food in and of itself is not bad. But, the way I dealt with food was bad. I let it hinder my relationship with God. That's what a sin is--it separates us from God. When I was binging, I was separated from God. 

I don't want to be separated from God. I wanted to be fully in His presence. 

But, how could I walk into His presence when I was so busy stuffing food into my system? I couldn't. 

I share this little tid bit as an encouragement that yes, God loves us despite what we are struggling with, but the most amazing part is that He doesn't want us to struggle. He wants to take our pain. He wants to heal our hearts. He wants to take every sin and cast it as far as the east is from the west. 

I see that now. I know that when I am struggling, He will grab my hand and walk with me down that endless hallway--never asking me to open a door to a room with my sins without squeezing my hand intensely. 

He wants to do this for each of us! 

He wants to be there for us. 

He wants to speak truth to us. 

He wants us to see that we are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--Be overwhelmed by HIM

I used to be the woman who freaked out about EVERYTHING. I'm still her at times, but by the grace of God and His mighty, mighty powers I am slowly changing. 

I used to be the woman completely and utterly overwhelmed by everything that this life threw at me, I would sink into a self-loathing anxiety attack faster than I could realize what was happening. 

For years I struggled with my identity. When you don't know where your identity is, the weight of this world can threaten to crush you. You cannot hear the truth of what God says about you because you are too busy listening to the voices that this world speaks. 

But, it is only IN Him that we can truly find our identity. 

I found my identity in this world. I found it in what people said about me, and I found it in the mistakes I made. This crushed me at times. 

Why? 

Because I believed that what people said about me and my past mistakes made up everything about me. 

But, what people think of us doesn't make us who we are. And the sum of our past mistakes doesn't make us who we are. 

God made us who we are. He formed us for a great purpose, one He has called us to.

He says we are royal priests and priestesses, holy and loved. He says we are righteous, redeemed and loved greatly. 

He believed these things to be so true that He was willing to send His one Son to die so that this truth could be our reality. 

We are greatly loved. 

I didn't see that. 

I only saw this world. 

I saw my mistakes, heard the whispers, or sometimes shouts, of the people around me and my spirit was so often crushed. 

Has this happened to you, sweet friend? Don't let it swallow you up as it did me so often.

The payment that Jesus made wipes out every single thing that we think negatively about ourselves, every mistake that we have made, and every lie that someone wants to utter about us. Jesus paid the penalty that we should have paid for one reason and one reason only--He loved us that much. He doesn't want us to believe those lies. He doesn't want us to speak those lies about one another or ourselves. 

Instead, He wants to encounter life-breathing relationships with us. He wants to speak life into our souls. He wants to renew our minds and our spirits so that we understand how greatly we are loved. 

He wants to counter every lie we have come up against with a truth--WE ARE LOVED. 

I missed Jesus for so, so long. I saw only this God that I thought was punishing me. I thought I was rotten and terrible. I thought, "well, if so and so says it, it must be true". 

It's not. 

It never was and it never will be. 

He completely wiped away everything upon that cross. 

We may make mistakes, but when we accept Jesus, the penalty is immediately paid. We no longer have to worry about what this world says or does to us, because Jesus did the most absolute wonderful thing ever--He died for us. 

We don't have to be overwhelmed by what this world hands us, or says to us, instead we can be wholly and completely overwhelmed with how AMAZING GOD IS. 

We can be wholly and completely be overwhelmed by the power of the cross and unashamed because of mercy. 

The song by Big Daddy Weave, overwhelmed, says it perfectly!!!  

We are free. 

We are forgiven. 

We are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--set the captives free

There were moments in my past where sin held me so captive, I hoped for death. There were days that were so unbearable that I truly asked God to take me from this world and not continue my suffering! That's the real reason I tried to obey and begin this Transparent Thursday series! I felt this urgency to walk with Him as He set captives free--as He did me. I felt this urgency to join Him in a fight that threatened my existence on so many occassions--the fight against a dark and powerful enemy. I don't write these blogs to live in the past, but to reclaim the past honestly. I cannot ever go back and change my past, but I can shine a light on the sins that I lived with so that anyone currently living in them can see that Jesus is very much present in their current circumstances as well. 

That's what I aim to do each week when I write. Sometimes it's hard for me. Not necessarily walking through some of the memories, because the memories don't pain me anymore because I have TRULY been set free; but from the sin that still cripples me at times--the weight of caring too much about what others think of me. That sin, it stops me often. I don't want to write for the simple reason of not wanting someone to "judge" me or "look down on" me. But, He is much stronger than this sin that He is working to eradicate from my life, and He always pushes me and blesses me for my obedience! 

I've shared enough of my testimony for you all to know, I was a walking posterboard for sin! If it was a sin, I was engaged in it. Sex, drugs, lieing, cheating, you name it, I probably engaged in it. The mental games I played with myself, and allowed the enemy in to play with me, oh it threatened to swallow me up. I couldn't understand that what Jesus did on that cross, and then by rising again, that was literally the defeat of sin. Sin COULD literally have no hold on me anymore if I allowed Him to be Lord. 

He can do the same for you. 

He can do the same for this entire world. 

Our nation, and the rest of the world! 

THE ENTIRE WORLD. 

That's what He wants. He doesn't want any of us to be bound by the chains of sin. He doesn't want any of us to have the shackles of sin wrapped around our body, holding us down. No. He wants to set us free. 

I want to see us free; I long to see us free! 

I remember when I was in college, after each sexual tryst, I would call out to Him, but not for healing--instead I would cry out that I was a disgusting, worthless woman not deserving of Him. 

Have you done this, friend? 

Each time I broke His heart. Each time I ignored the truth of His grace and mercy and instead believed the lie that my flesh and the enemy fed me. 

But, He washed all of that away in a moment of surrender. 

In a mere moment of surrender, when I laid down my entire life, held nothing back, He set me free. I couldn't keep bits and pieces to myself, and only let Him have the pieces I thought I couldn't handle. I had to be honest that I could not handle one single piece of my life. 

We all have to admit this. We all have to admit that there isn't a single part of our life that we can handle without Jesus. Pride, arrogance, they'll try and tell us we're good enough. Pride, arrogance, they'll try and convince us that we don't have to admit that mistake, or we don't have to call out to Him because we're doing just fine. 

But, it's not true. Now, that can be hard to hear, I know. I didn't want to hear it, and you may not be ready to hear it as well. And you know what, friend, that's okay. It's okay because Jesus is still with you. That's the most amazing and awe-inspiring part of Jesus. When we push Him aside, when we say we don't need Him, He let's us freely make that choice, but He never walks away. He never says, "okay, he/she has this handled, I'll go help someone else." 

No.

He stays. 

He never goes further than a hand reach. He will always pull us out of the miry pit we find ourselves in. He will always pull us out of the trap we inadvertently step on in a forest filled with traps. 

He is El Shaddai--God Almighty. 

He sets captives free. 

Are you being held captive today? Is there a present sin or a past mistake that you just cannot find relief from? 

I've been there, friend. I find myself there sometimes still, and I can tell you from personal experience, He will pull you out, dust you off--you must do one and one thing only....ASK HIM TO. 

Daily.

Hourly.

Minute by mintue. 

Don't accept that you are worthless. Don't accept that He has washed His hands of you. Instead, reach out to Him and watch as He sets you free, each and everyday.

Remember, you are less than only THree.  

Transparent Thursday -- we are loved

                       

I have felt this stirring today to speak an encouraging word over those that are struggling with understanding that JESUS LOVES. 

What a better time than on Transparent Thursday!! We all know I'm loving opening my heart and being honest with you all. 

I see so much hurt, so much bondage in so many people around the world. I read "comments" on news feeds, and my heart just breaks at the truth that I see--people simply do not know that Jesus loves them. There are some that totally deny His existence, and there are some who seem to be so hurt by something in their past that their heart is just hardened to see the truth--that He is with them always. 

I know for me personally, I always knew that Jesus was real, alive and my Savior. What I COULD NOT GRASP was that the mistakes I was making, the mistakes that seemed to fill my existence didn't negate that I was loved by Him. They actually only affirmed them. 

I remember during my college years, my self-loathing was the worst. The sexual immorality was where it started. After I was raped, my heart seemed to stop beating at times--not physically of course but emotionally. I could stop myself from thinking of Him, drawing closer to Him, and it made it easier to sink further and further into this world that I used to make myself "happy". I felt so dirty after I was raped, I felt like people could literally LOOK at me and see filth, so it made it so much easier in my warped, twisted mind to be the woman I thought everyone already knew I was. I stopped talking about God or Jesus with anyone, I stopped praying, and I did two things--I drank, heavily, and I had sex, a lot of it. 

This was the enemy's plan to keep me from drawing closer to God. He wanted me to feel filthy, so that I wouldn't open my eyes to the reality that Jesus loved me EVEN THEN. Yes, His desire was for me to stop being sexually immoral, but His desire MORE was that I simply draw closer to Him. Drawing closer to Him was the ONLY way I was ever going to be able to stop doing what I was doing. 

Jesus--He is the only one that can change our desires. 

Jesus--He is the only one that can ever make us "feel" worthy. 

Jesus--He COUNTS US WORTHY. 

Let me ask you, sweet friend, how do you feel about yourself? When you look in the mirror, do you see a royal priest/priestess? Do you see a holy vessel? Do you see a beloved man/woman of the one true King? 

That's what you should see! That's what we should all see! 

I still struggle on days to see her. There are still days that the enemy and my flesh try and convince me that these things are not true, that the mistake I just made with my husband, or the mistake with my children, or even the mistake that I made all of those years ago negates Jesus' love for me. 

It's not true! It's a total and utter lie that we cannot give any weight to. We must rebuke those lies! 

I don't care how many friends or family members have said you are disgusting, I don't care how many friends or family members have told you they won't accept your apology and that you will always be the same horrid person THEY BELIEVE you are--IT IS NOT TRUE. 

It is a LIE! Those are lies from the enemy, not even from that person in all truthfulness. He uses our own flesh, and the flesh of others to plants seeds of doubt. He allows us to think so many horrible things about ourselves that we want to walk further and further away from God so that we don't have to lean into Him. He thinks he will win this way. 

But, Jesus is our victor. He defeated everything when He hung upon that cross, and rose again, and that is the end of it. 

Jesus loves us. 

Passionately. 

Deeply. 

Without end. 

There is no mistake, no sin, no horrible deed that He thinks to Himself, "wow, she's a rotten sinner and I don't want her in my Kingdom." 

NOPE! 

He doesn't say anything like that! 

Instead, He says, "come my child, you who are weary and weak, let me carry your burden!" That is what He says, and He truly means it. 

So, my friend, if you are struggling to believe, truly believe that Jesus loves you, rest in the total and absolute truth, HE DOES! And if you are struggling to believe that He can change your life, rest in this total and absolute truth, HE CAN. And if you are struggling to even believe that there is a Jesus, I can only say, HE IS REAL AND HE IS ALIVE. 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--I was not a loving mother at all times

You know I love a Transparent Thursday post! And today is no exception! 

Today we celebrate the birthday of our oldest son, Jordon. He turns 11 years old, and what a treasure he is. He is witty, funny, sweet, loving, a HUGE cuddler, and he's been the biggest blessing I never knew I had. 

Our story is complicated. It can be messy at times. It's not only our story to share, but we are the ones that are typically asked about it. 

You see, Jordon started out 11 years ago as my first nephew. He was born during a hurricane, and he is pretty intense like a hurricane too. He grew within my younger sister's womb, and quickly grew within my heart--but it took years for me to see or feel that growth. 

My sister suffers from Bipolar disorder, and if you don't know anything about that disorder, then my explaining it won't help. If you do know something about it, then no more explanation is probably needed. She struggles. 

But, don't we all? I mean, yes, she struggles a little more than most of us, but we ALL struggle with SOMETHING, I am defintely no exception. I struggle greatly myself, thankfully her disorder is something I do not struggle with. 

I struggle from social anxiety disorder, a chemical imbalance that affects the neurons in my brain. I am seeing huge growth thanks to prayer, and understanding my struggle. I had to admit I was struggling in order to begin seeing changes though, and I wasn't willing to do that for a long time. 

My denial, made me a really bad mom to Jordon. Jordon struggles himself, and he's too young for me to share too much, but I will simply call it ADHD for now, although I think it's much deeper than that. 

Jordon moved in with our family when my husband and I had been married for a little over a year, and our son had just turned 1. He was living with my mother, and they moved in with us to help counter my husband being laid off. We needed financial help, and my mom was going through a separation, so we all thought the two of them should move in with us. 

This is where our story gets complicated. I want to share so much, but my sister is not happy often with my sharing, so I will tread very carefully as to not offend anyone--while still sharing our story. 

My sister loves Jordon, she truly does. I questioned that for a number of years, but I know without a dobut that she truly does. However, that love didn't extend in the way that some of us moms extend love. She kind of bounced in and out of his life, leaving my mom the primary care provider for the first 4 years of his life. 

Jordon was 3 when I married my husband, and he was the first "male" role model Jordon had. He IMMEDIATELY attached to my husband, intensely. There was no doubt when my mom moved in with us that Jordon needed stability. 

He was struggling greatly. He had SCREAMING tantrums, hitting, biting, punching, kicking, he just simply needed stability. We all recognized that. We tried to instill that. 

We moved him into our sons room, and I began taking the motherly role. I didn't do that part willingly though. I felt like I "had" to. I resented my sister very much. I resented the fact that she could do whatever she wanted, and still be his mom. I resented her late night partying, and her dropping by incessantly to have "fun" with him. I resented everything about her. And I took that frustration out on him. 

If you ask him about it, he'll deny it happened. But, I know the truth. I also know, God must've protected him from it because he truly didn't feel like I wasn't loving him. If you ask him, he says I'm the best mom and he doesn't remember me ever not being nice. If you ask him, I love him intensely and if it weren't for me, he doesn't know who he would be. He loves me fiercely! 

That is the grace of God, there's no question about it. 

I know, unfortunately, that my screaming was directed at him, often. I'm a yeller, I've shared that often through my blogs. It's something God is HEAVILY working on in my life. I yell at everyone, but for a few years, as my other children were too little to really be doing anything wrong, I yelled primarily at his precious soul. Oh, what a humbling moment this is to admit. 

I yelled unrighteously at him. As I mentioned, he struggled greatly when we first took him in. I had the opportunity to overwhelm him with love, and I did, but I also saw my sister. When he would act out, when he would misbehave, I didn't see a child--instead I saw my adult sister who seemed to be "out of control". I judged her through his actions, if that makes any sense. 

It wasn't right. But, it happened. There was about a 1 year time span, 6 months or so we had no contact with her, that it was the worst. We had a restraining order on my sister, I was angry, I was dealing with SERIOUS sin in my own life, that I just couldn't admit, and I took my frustrations out via screaming at that little guy. 

I WAS WRONG. 

Again, I saw my sister in him, and I hated what I saw. I envisioned this child growing up and acting like this adult I was having such a hard time with. And I allowed my emotions to control my tongue. 

I WAS WRONG. 

As he grew, we continued having more children, and my plate continued filling up. The screaming really started to rear it's ugly head with everyone, not just him anymore. He was simply the one I was "irritated" with the most--and it was always after my sister had done something. I always saw her in him, I couldn't separate the two of them. I loved him, but I saw this woman that I seriously was angry with. 

I was angry with her for not loving him. I was angry with her for having her twins, I was angry with her for "ruining my mom". I was angry with her for all the wrong reasons. 

I was angry. 

The truth is, I wasn't really that angry at my sister. I was really angry with myself. I felt what I was doing, and I couldn't stop. But, what I felt more than that was this stirring within from God that said, "you are angry with yourself". 

I denied that. Why would I be angry with myself? I wasn't the one doing the ridiculous things, she was. 

OH BUT I WAS. 

I was living with my own sins, my own downfalls, and instead I focused completely on my sister. It was easier that way. It was easy to focus on someone else's shortcomings as opposed to my own. I didn't want to focus on my short comings. I wanted to love that child, but I didn't want to admit that I wasn't loving that child. 

Moving into our new home in September 2013 was when God really started working on my heart. It was shortly after I had tried to take my life, while living with my mom and sister for a year. THAT year, almost destroyed me. I allowed every single sin that I was living with, hiding, eat at me so badly, that I tried to take my life. 

IT WAS THAT CHILD that spoke to me afterwards, and wrapped his arms around me. IT WAS THAT CHILD that said, "what will I do without you? You're my mom. How do I choose between you and Daddy?".

Now, at the time he didn't know I had tried to take my life. He only thought that his mom and dad were getting a divorce. Instead of admitting how badly I was struggling, I blamed my sweet and loving husband. It became much easier to focus on him, than myself. I was tired of focusing on my sister, and I turned on my husband. 

GOD'S GRACE AGAIN. My husband is my rock! 

After moving into our new home, God began a mighty work in my heart. He showed me the sins I was hiding, and He showed me what He wanted me to do with it. Less than Three was written in obedience to what He was doing at the time. I share in less than Three about how much I struggled with being Jordon's mom, in vivid detail. It's heartbreaking, because I really failed that boy. 

But, it's beautiful too, because if you have faith in God, and you believe in grace, what happened within my heart is nothing short of GRACE and REDEMPTION. 

He called me "Mom" for the first time in September 2013. He referred to me as mom to others, and when he would talk to me he would say things like, "you're my mom," but he called me "Nina" which is godmother in Spanish. I am his godmother, and my oldest neices godmother and that is what I am referred to by nieces and nephews. 

Yet, this child called me, "Mom". I wrestled with the name for a long time. My sister was his mom, not me. She fought us tooth and nail to stay his mom, so how could I be his mom too? 

Oh the turmoil I felt within. 

God healed all of that. 

He revealed, in a mighty way, that Jordon was chosen by Him to be my son just as much as he was chosen to grow in my sister's womb. God had a purpose for all of us, and my purpose was to be his mom. My sister is his birth mother, I am his mom. 

There's a difference, and it's something I respect and treasure now. 

I am thankful to my sister now. The anger, the irritation that I often feel, God eases that. There are moments, in my flesh, when I am insanely mad at my sister. But, God quickly softens my heart. 

He's AWESOME like that. 

There hasn't been a moment, in the last year, that I have questioned why I am raising this child as mine. He is mine. He was always meant to become mine. God doesn't make mistakes. And we cannot change His will. 

I struggle with yelling still, but I don't struggle with directing it at him anymore. Today, after 6 years as his mom, I can truly and unequivocally say, I am thankful to be his mom. 

I am thankful for every single hard day we have had, because they have taught me SO MUCH. I have learned more about grace through that precious child than I could have ever learned without him. 

I was scared to share this story. We all know I still struggle with the opinions of others. I felt like I "knew" I would get someone saying, "that woman doesn't deserve that child", and it would crush me. 

Truth is, I don't deserve any of my children. I don't deserve my life. 

But, God doesn't give us what we deserve. He gives us what he gives because He is good, and He has a purpose for us. I was meant to have 5 children, all of which are raised in the admotion of the Lord, and in THAT I can rest! 

Moral to today's post, appreciate what you are given and DO NOT QUESTION why you were given something. You may never understand, but He does. He has a purpose, a plan and it is GOOD.