The Trials of Life

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

James 5:15-16

I find myself in a neat, new place today. I’ve gone through a full range of emotions since I became ill. From anger, to frustration, to joy and excitement. I’ve asked God why this is happening, I’ve cried because of the pain. I’ve laughed at the names the kids have come up with for the illness and I’ve yelled at my husband for hovering too much.

The truth is: I feel terrible, infested with a disease that is shutting down many functions that I took for granted before this all started. My arms are weak, my legs give out on me, my head is throbbing, my body is riddled with the Lyme rash and my heart is beating far too fast

How many times I have picked up my little girl, kissed her cute little baby cheeks, and yet today, I cannot pick her up. Today I have to ask for assistance in caring for my sweet little miracle baby. My heart aches for her. My heart aches for all my children that I cannot even do things with because my arms are so weak that they often give out on me. Yet, somehow, surprisingly, I’m at peace.

I really shouldn’t say “somehow”, because I know unequivocally that it is by the grace of our unwavering God that I am at peace. To say things are falling down around me would seriously be an understatement. Since I became ill last week both of our vehicles have malfunctioned, possibly died on us. We have bills piling up around us; the medical bills for this illness have already skyrocketed to a few hundred dollars. Brian is unable to work long days because he has had to be home to care for the kids. And here I am, at home in the bed.

In prayer yesterday I found myself asking, “Okay God, what is it that you want me to see? What lesson can I learn from all of this?” The answer was simple, HIS WILL SHALL BE DONE.

I can have my life in perfect order, I can have our days planned out to the last second of the day, but if it is not His will, then everything will fall most certainly fall apart. And it should. Nothing in this life is worth living if He is not the reason we do everything.

I’ve found myself asking for help, something that makes me cringe. I hate going to people and asking for anything. But, this is a lesson I have learned. He works through His body, through the members that make up His body. I cannot begin to live this life without His body, and therefore I am having to rely on members of our Lord Jesus Christ to get me through this. I’ve had to ask for childcare help, prayers, and He has answered each request. He has shown me that He will not give up on me, He will not forsake me.

The last year has been the most amazing, eye opening year of my life. I have grown closer to our Lord and Savior each and every day. I have been willing to sacrifice things I never would have dreamed and it has been surprisingly easy. I have gained not only a Savior, a Redeemer, but my very best friend. He is my rock when I need strength, my fortress when my home is chaotic. And He will deliver me from the hole I have fallen into. I simply need to keep my faith and trust in Him.

This illness makes me think of Job. Job the faithful servant of God, one who was righteous yet tested. I will stand strong through these tests; I will not waver in my faith.

Lord, Father God, I need only you.

Blessings, Ashley

Remain in Him

Remain In Him

We have been meeting with 3 incredible God fearing friends for over a year now for a bible study on Thursday nights. Recently 2 new people joined our adventure and we are so thrilled to share our lives with each other.

We have completed 3 bible studies so far, the first one started our journey. It was titled “What to do when you don’t know what to do”. It was incredible for the beginning of our journey. We then ventured into Crazy Love by Francis Chan. AMAZING! It had so much in it, so much love poured out of that study. Next we studied the book of Romans. Again I say simply, AMAZING! The Christian guidebook basically. We are now studying from Experiencing God by Henry and Richard Blackaby.

One word sums up this study—WOW! We have only just begun; only in Unit 1 of 12 right now. The first page of the study screams at you; screams for you to join God in a love relationship.

I thought I had a love relationship with God. I thought I was loving Him simply by turning my life over to Him. I quickly learned that I needed a personal relationship with Him, just as I do with any other person in my life. Jesus is my best friend, my shoulder when I need someone. Jesus is my Redeemer; delivering me from the bondage I called my life.

Real Christianity is not simply a “religion” one picks up; it is a personal relationship with a Person. Jesus is that Person. He is my way, my truths, my life.

Each unit has a memory verse. This unit’s verse is from John.

“I am the vine, you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing” John 15:5

Did it scream at you the way it did me?

I can do nothing without Him. He is my source for everything. Apart from Christ, I can do NOTHING. I cannot live this life without Him. I cannot love anyone without Him. I cannot forgive anyone without Him. I cannot function without Him.

This was a wakeup call to me. I humbly come before Christ every morning and ask that His will be done in my life. Only His will. Because, apart from Him, I have no will of my own. I desire to remain steadfast in Him, in His truths, in His light.

Love the Lord

Loving the Lord my God with all my heart

6 years ago my life was in complete opposition to where it is now. I was in the lowest point of my life; and desperately searching for love. Today, I know that God invites us into a love relationship with Him, and it’s His love that fills us; but we must ask Him to come into us. I didn’t have this knowledge then as I do today. I thought I did. I thought I was saved. But the truth is, I wasn’t ready for Him to come in to my life. I wasn’t ready to give my life over to Him.

I realize more and more each day what an amazing, merciful, rich God we have. Every day I stumble and every day He lifts me back up; never because of something that I have done but because He is a faithful and trustworthy God. He has promised us since the beginning that if we would just humble ourselves and call His name, He shall be there for us; heal our lands. What an amazing promise. How amazing that He loves us so much that He will step in every time. He is faithful whenever called upon.

That realization is so comforting to me today. When I look back at so many moments in my life when I could have simply called upon Him my heart hurts. My heart aches for the mistakes made; the lessons learned that could have been avoided simply by calling out His name. For so long I actually thought I was loving Him, and still couldn’t understand how He could allow the things He allowed. I looked at my life, around the world and all I could see was heartache, lives being destroyed. I cursed him at times, although I didn’t even know that was what I was doing. I wanted so desperately to blame someone for my life; for the trials I endured. Who better than the all-knowing, all powerful God to step in and “stop” my hurt.

What a selfish mindset. How self-centered for me to think that this God who I had cursed, who I had spat on, one whose laws and commandments I broke with my every breath should come in and “fix” my life. Yet, I never asked Him to. I never vowed to live my life according to His purposes. I never promised to love Him with my whole heart, keeping His commandments at the center of my life; but I wanted desperately for Him to come and change it.

Christ asks one thing of us, to “love the Lord our God with all our heart, with all our soul with all our mind,” (Matthew 22:37-38) yet we don’t want to live our life the way He says we should. I know I didn’t live like this. I know I wanted Him, claimed Him as my savior but never once tried to change my life. I never once tried to bear His fruit, allowing Him to harvest the good from me.

How we are living our lives is a true testimony to whether we have the love of Christ in us. Not whether we say we love Him, but whether we are willing to admit that we cannot function without Him; that our life is nothing if it isn’t revolving around Him. So many people are lukewarm today; they say they love Him yet their life doesn’t resemble any of His commandments.

I don’t want to live like this. I want His love to shine forth from my very existence. I want everyone to look at me and see someone different than the rest of the world. This is my vow to Him; to love Him so deeply that He can change the deepest parts of me.

His is mighty

He is a mighty and loving God.

He is rich in mercy.

He is powerful and everlasting.

His grace is sufficient for all of our needs.

These statements have rang so true to me lately. He loves us so deeply and so immensely that it's hard to wrap my insignificant minds around sometimes. I feel so completely unworthy, all of the time.

His mercy pours out on us, even when we stumble, fall. He still reigns down His gracious, merciful hands upon our every endeavor.

He is the most powerful and everlasting being. There is nothing that He cannot do. He never ends, His love never dies.

When I feel weak, lost, as though I can no longer push forward, His grace reminds me that He is there. He can meet every single one of my needs.

I stand in awe of Him, gleaming from one ear to the other. The smile that is on my face is permanently set there by His capable hands.

Are you feeling this way today? Are you allowing Him to meet your needs? To love you the way He created you to love?

I'm trying, with every breath I take, with every step I make, I am trying to honor the living breathing God of the universe.

Time with God

I'm doing this bible study called Experiencing God. And I can honestly say, I am experiencing Him in new ways every day. Each day He is revealing something new to me that I previously did not know. I hear Him in new and exciting ways.

This week's study has focused on a love relationship with God, walking with Him, pursuing Him. One thing that stood out to me as I read today is "making time for God." How often do we make time for Him? How often do we set time aside just for Him? I've been battling with myself, with my sinful nature, on how to set aside time for Him. Do I rise up early? Do I stay up late? What is He calling me to do? What season of life am I in right now?

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

I've come to realize, and I truly believe from His insight, that the season of life that we are in shapes our days, our weeks, our hours. The season of life that I am in right now shapes my every day life. I have small children, babies, up often in the night, and getting up early in the morning today is not what I can do. But, I can spend quality, important time with Him whenever I choose. I can make time for Him in the middle of my day, when the babies are napping. I can make time for Him with a cup of tea as I sit holding my little Lily in the morning. I can read to my children, first thing in the morning, engaging them in God's word, not keeping it just to myself.

I realized today, that my struggle to spend time with God is not a scheduling problem, it is a love problem. Do I love Him enough to stay home during the day to make the time for Him? Do I love Him enough to not go swimming at the lake, or the pool so that I can be home and read when I am called? Do I love Him enough to stay up late, ending my day with Him? Do I love Him enough to take a walk with the kids, stretching out on a blanket and reading quietly and to them?

The answer is, OH YES! I will not commit myself to anything except Him. He is my reason for living, and I must make Him my reason. Time with Him enriches and deepens the relationship that I already have with Him. I will not worry myself about "what time" but simply "make time" every day!

My Hope is IN the Lord

But I will hope continually, and will praise you yet more and more.

---- Psalm 71:14

I find myself so often in this world being overwhelmed with angst. How will we pay this bill? How will we buy food? How will my children stand strong in the Lord's word? I'm realizing little by little, and always in His oh so precious time, that my hope is in Him, not in anything that we can do ourselves.

No matter what my situation looks like, I will always place my hope in His capable hands. I will not beat myself up over our circumstances, thinking we are somehow failures. There are many people in this world who can pay what they need to pay with no problems. I used to find myself coveting their lives. Wanting so desperately to be in a financially "peaceful" place. I'm finding myself at ease recently with our circumstances. I'm finding myself now asking of those same people, where is their hope? Is their hope in their job, their boss? Is their hope in the spouse that is the "bread winner"? Or is their hope in the Almighty Sovereign God that promises abundant blessings to His followers?

Well, I don't know where their hope is, but I can tell you where mine is.

1 month ago Brian left his job. Some may say, why in the world would he have done this? I asked myself the same thing. But, he didn't wake up one day and say, "hmmm, I don't like this job anymore, I'm going to quit and we'll just wing it." For the first time in my life, ever, I allowed my husband to make a decision that he with all of his heart believed God was calling him to do. Now, was God "calling" him to quit his job? I'm not sure entirely. But, I do know without a doubt that what God was calling him to do was follow Him. To give up his possessions, his material/earthly things and take up his cross with Him. So, we did this. Without doing something so out of the norm for us, without stepping out on faith, our lives were really just "talk". We had no idea what it meant to place all of your trust and faith in God.

Are we struggling. Yes. Do I see an end in sight; here on earth, no.

But, I do see the light from our Heavenly Father. I do see the light that He illuminates on His life and want desperately to live with Him.

So, my hope is in the Lord, and I will praise Him each day. My hope is in the goodness of my Father, the provision of my Savior.

My hope is not of this world, where is yours?

My sweet companion

I'm realizing each day that God always has a reason for why things happen in our life. I am realizing that although I met Brian in a dark and terrible place, the place that we are heading towards is a place lit by the glow of our Heavenly Father. Our relationship started off in ways contrary to what God asks of us. His commands are clear on the matter. But, I also know that He was there with us during the beginning and although we were living in a manner not conducive to what was good and holy to Him, He has blessed us immensely now because of our faithfulness.

When I look at Brian, I see strength. And this isn't strength because He's so strong or works out constantly. The strength in Him comes from the indwelling Holy Spirit. The Spirit that has changed us both so much. I look at my husband now, where we are in this season, and I see the head of my house and I willingly submit to Him and stand confident that He is making decisions based on what he feels Christ is doing in our life. I know that my faith is in Christ and therefore my husband cannot lead us astray. God is leading everything we do in our life, and He does this through the hands of my loving and devoted husband.

I loved Brian when we first met, but mostly I lusted after Him. It wasn't until I saw the true love of Christ that I was able to truly love my husband. And I love him so immensely now! I long to see the changes manifest in him, long to see as his desire for Christ grows and strengthens. I long to see him lead our family towards and eternity with the Risen and Holy King.

We made a covenant before God, to love one another till death parts us. There is no other option for us, and my heart rejoices with this idea. The question that plagues so many women today, "what if he leaves, what will I do with my life?" this isn't a question that I live with. It's not an option for us. Not because we are better than anyone else, but because we finally our priorities in line. Our first love, is not one another, it is for our Redeemer. It's only after proclaiming that love that we can truly love one another.