Homeschool fun

We made the decision 2 years ago to embark on this homeschool journey. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to. Truthfully, at first, it made me sick to my stomach to think of ME teaching the kids. I hated school, and really don’t like “learning”.

My stomach would knot up and I would feel physically ill with the thought. Slowly, by His grace thankfully, my feelings changed and I listened to what He was saying to me.

“Lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5

I needed to stop leaning on my understanding of what I thought I was capable of and start acknowledging Him and He would direct my path.

I believe He has done this.

2 years ago I started homeschooling my nephew and schooled him for about 6 months. I enjoyed my time with him, but circumstances beyond my control prompting his re-entrance into public school. This decision shattered my heart at a time. I believe, for my family, that homeschooling is the right decision. Jordon is part of my family and watching as he goes to school now every day is truly difficult. But, the same scripture that strengthens me in my doubts about schooling Jaxson, strengthens me as I wonder about whether Jordon in public school is going to negatively affect the light we want him to become. But, I lean not on my understanding and know that He is directing my path.

As we started Kindergarten 3 weeks ago, I stared at this little boy who stole a piece of my heart 4 years ago and I wondered, how can we make this work? How can I teach you appropriately? Are we starting too early?

You see, Jaxson, often referred to as “doodle”, is only 4.5 years old. But, by the grace of God Himself, doodle has surpassed everything that a pre-school aged child should. He doesn’t write as well as I would prefer, but he recognizes all letters, colors, shapes and numbers 1-20.

So, we jumped right into school and each day I think I am failing. Each day, as I lay down in my bed and prayer my bedtime prayers, I ask that He fill me even greater the next day because I feel utterly like a failure.

Then a day like today is given to me; a blessing from His oh so gracious hands.

You see, we took an entire week off last week while we mourned the loss of my Uncle. I didn’t feel bad about taking the week off as it was completely necessary, but morning was soon upon me and I was unsure how doodle would transition back in.

I calmly and enthusiastically said, “okay Jaxson, we need to finish up breakfast and then do school.” After which I hear, “ugh, Mommy, school every day? I do not want to do it today.”

I responded with something like, “Yes Jax, school every day, Monday thru Friday, and what are you even talking about silly goose, we didn’t school at all last week.” To which I see a grin on his face and hear a sweet little, “Oh yea, because Uncle Eddie died right?”

“Yes, now go finish your donut and get seated while I finish these dishes and we’ll start”.

Imagine my surprise when, 20 minutes later, I realize I have forgotten to go to the school room and doodle is standing at his desk, donut in hand saying, “Mommy, can I finish my donut and start school now?”

No prompting from me, no coaching from me, this little child was eagerly waiting at his desk to start his day. Oh how my heart rejoiced. Oh how a smile graced face.

I heard the voice of God; I heard His reassuring voice say, “You can do this, just in case you had any doubts”.

Every day I have doubts, every day I wonder if I am doing permanent damage to these beautiful children given to me, but I know without a doubt that I am making the right decision. I know without a doubt that my God is strong enough to lift me and encourage me and lead me on the path which HE has chosen for me.

I needn’t say one thing to Jaxson to get him to do school, the instrutions I had given him were enough, finish your donut while I finish the dishes. I wasn’t finished the dishes, so he wasn’t finished his donut. He waited patiently, kindly for me.

This lesson was an amazing lesson this morning. And you know what’s even better; doodle wrote every letter and number completely by himself. He needed no help from lil old momma; this could only be from His mighty hands.

Jaxson will learn what he is meant to learn, he will go forth in this dark world and although I may be the human here shepherding Him, Christ is the one inside Him directing His every path, teaching him all that he needs to know.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

2 Timothy 3:14-15

Get Moving

Get Moving

This week has been crazy for me. I lost an Uncle on Saturday and since then I have spent as much time as I could with his family, whom I adore. He was such a jolly man, good-hearted and funny, wise and knowledgeable and OUTRAGEOUS. He was a character. We knew his death was coming, and truly I thought I was prepared for it, but I found out quickly, you can never truly “prepare” for death. It hurts just the same, it’s grief either way! My heart hurts, my eyes sting but I am finding strength to give my family through the strength that He gives me. Gladness will come, comfort will be felt and joy can be taken in the peace that he is now experiencing.

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:13

God showed me something already though this trial, through the hard times the past 4 days. We are not promised tomorrow. We all say this, so many live by the motto “live like there’s no tomorrow”, but does that realization truly sink in? Do we truly understand that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and today is really the day that we should rejoice in, take hope in, and fulfill our aspirations in?

There are so many days that I say to myself, “I’ll get to that tomorrow”, but, will I have a tomorrow? And even if I have a tomorrow, will it bring the peace that I search for or will anxiety continue to creep in when I cannot accomplish what I set out for?

There are so many things that I long to do, not for me, but for my family. There are so many books I want to read, chapters of the Bible I yearn to explore, and I always tell myself, tomorrow, tomorrow.

I won’t do this anymore. I will do what I set out to do, TODAY, and what can wait until tomorrow, I will praise that day that he has given me. I will tell those I love that I love them. I will confront those that I have conflict with. I will call those whom I haven’t spoken to for too long. I will kiss my babies, hug and squeeze them.

Tomorrow is not promised, but the day that we are in, He promises we can find the blessings He pours down. Those blessings are not to be taken for granted, they are not to be taken lightly. They are blessings from His oh so gracious hands and they are blessings He absolutely did not have to give to us but chose willingly to give.

I want to put my hope in today, my faith in today and my love for Him in today. I want Him to reign down through my life, today and I want people to see Him in me, today.

My heart mourns for this man, for his family. I pray that God’s strength fill them completely during this trying time.

But, losing him so abruptly taught me …..

I will find gladness, I will be comforted and I will be joyful, today.

Organization

Seriously …. Get Organized

As I rolled my sleepy self out of the bed this morning the grouchiness inside came rolling to a head, quickly. I love sleeping entirely too much. It’s become a stumbling block I think.

A lot has happened in the last 2 years of my life, much of it has been exhilarating, but some of it has been so overwhelming that I am not sure what to do. Finding the true love of my Savior has been a gift that I am completely unworthy of. Since finding Him, I see life in a completely different light, His light. But, finding Him has brought burdens into my life that I am completely unable to handle on my own. I have been ridiculed, persecuted, shunned and lost many friends and at times family because of my outspokenness for the one who saved me. But, I stand strong in knowing that Christ does not want me to stumble, “These things I have spoken to you, that you should not be made to stumble” John 16:1 and that He was persecuted and so should I, “If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you... If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you... because they do not know Him who sent Me." John 15:18-21. He will give me the strength I need to overcome these worries of mine. His grace is sufficient for all.

As I look around at my life, everything is overwhelming right now. My home, my heart, my longing to serve Christ. I feel a bit lost, not in His hands, but in this world. Suffering from depression for so many years of my life, the thought constantly plagues me every day, “am I sinking into a depression now?”

Today, clarity came. Today, as the grouchiness inside me fueled because my sleep slumber had yet again come to an end, I realized, yes, I’m a bit depressed and yes, this is okay. This fallen world is terrible, and although my sights are off of this world, the burdens of it still scream loud and clear in my head.

“Am I serving you well? Am I raising the kids in admonition to your word? Is our suffering because of our zeal for you or our fleshly disobedience? Can we ever climb out of this hole that we presently sit in?” The answer to every one of these questions is, organization.

I need to get organized, and I don’t simply mean the stuff in my home, although this is necessary, I mean my thoughts, my prayers, my studies, my EVERYTHING. I cannot be super mom, but I can be an abiding mom. I can be a mom who abides faithfully in what is good and upright in His word.

So, how will I accomplish this? I will start with a list of 5 things each day that I want to accomplish. I will rate them 1-5 and I will go through them, in order of importance. Accomplishing doesn’t necessarily mean doing. There are days when I don’t “accomplish” my prayer time, this is something I need to fix, asap. There are also days when my parenting is controlled by my flesh, this is something I need to put on my list. Every single thought I have must be held captive and organized in Christ’s word.

Change is happening, change is occurring and change is something that before today, I stayed completely away from. I’ve actually been diagnosed with anxiety due to change. I do not handle change well J But, I am no longer “me”, I am now, “His” and with Him, change no longer scares me.

I will keep you all updated on how this organization concept goes! Please, pray for me!

Blessings

Immeasurably Blessed

I laid in the bed an extra 15 mins this morning, still rolling out before 6. This is a huge feat for me. I have been battling a sleepy slumber that takes over my thoughts for some time now. This morning I started the victorious battle.

I’m in a stage of life right now that is completely taken over with children; children in various places of their own life, looking to me for their every waking desire. I’ve been searching every moment for a closeness with Christ, to experience Him in a refreshing way!

My mindset proved to be quite selfish and God showed me this reality through the health trail I recently endured. He opened Himself up to me the way I had hoped, but what He showed me I could never have imagined. My simple human mind could never see His wonders without the help from His Holy Spirit.

He has revealed Himself to me, to my soul, and I stand in complete adoration of His amazing wonders. I have found myself recently wondering what God wanted to use me for; what was His will for my life? After starting an incredible Bible study called Experiencing God, and being stranded on the couch with only my thoughts and prayers, I heard God speaking to me. I’ve written on this revelation of “be still”, but still had some separation to deal with in my head.

After praying and speaking openly with Him, I finally saw what His will for my life is: the same will He has for EACH of us. His will for my life is the same will He has for every single one of us—to align our life with His will, one in which brings light to a dark universe, breath to a dying world. This is the gospel, that Jesus Christ died for us all and that redemption is something attainable for us all. Every single thing that we do, every single word that we speak, all must be done to the glory of the One who made us.

When we come humbly to the throne, He changes our life. I count myself blessed that I have been called out of the darkness and now stand strong in the light. The light of His way illuminates my path in amazing ways and I continue to want more of Him; I continue longing to know Him better. I pray that this desire never fades.

I have 4 children, 4 blessings that God has bestowed upon my life and 4 little warriors for His kingdom. I recently started babysitting 3 days a week for a friends little girl and I know unequivocally that this was led by His gracious hands. He is the maker of our lives, weaving them intricately in His own powerful way.

Education has a brand new meaning for me. My children’s daily lives have a new meaning for me. And both have Christ at the center. I can thank Him for this. I can thank Him for giving me the desire to teach them His ways, His will and His plan and I can thank Him for the resources to do so. I have stepped in line with His will and have stopped searching for “His will for my life”. I recommend everyone do this, because the truth He opens you up to is something worth seeing!

Blessings

He is God

Be still ……

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

Psalm 46:10

Be still … this is something we are not accustomed to these days. We live in a time where we pack our schedules so full that we cannot meet simple responsibilities. Someone invites us to fellowship--our first response, “let me check my schedule”.

This is a sobering reality for me; something I am learning as each new day lights my life.

I long to experience God; I long to hear Him during my days, yet I am not being still and knowing that He is God, Creator of the universe.

I wonder, “What can I do for you next, Lord?” But, the reality is, I can do nothing for Him; He is the Lord of lords, the King of kings and I can give nothing to His kingdom.

He will be exalted among all nations, the entire earth, what can I ever do for Him? The greatest way I can bring Him glory, the greatest way I can give back to the Savior of my soul is to simply allow Him to be who He is, the Provider of my every need. Beyond that, I am incapable of giving Him anything. He needs nothing from me, but still that is my greatest desire, to give back to Him.

I think this is a wonderful desire to have, but I don’t think it is a desire we can ever attain. It shouldn’t stop us from giving all that we have, but it should stop us from filling our lives with useless things that do not involve Him or bring Him praise and glory; praise and glory that He richly deserves.

When our life is filled with pointless, mundane tasks, our mind is easily steered away from the will of God. But, when He is our sustenance, our reason for waking, our reason for breathing, we are able to experience Him in all of His glorious ways.

There’s nothing wrong with following a schedule, getting into a routine, please don’t get me wrong. Following a schedule is something that can make a day run smoothly, help our brains stay focused on the task at hand. But, my recommendation is: do not fill your schedule with hundreds of things that keep you out of the house, keep you ripping and roaring all of the roads. Take time to watch your children blow bubbles while telling them the story of creation. Make paper boats with them and tell them the story of Moses and the basket. Fill your life with Christ, not this world.