Transparent Friday

                                       

I didn't write my Transparent Thursday post yesterday, why you might ask? Well, as I've shared a ton, these posts are specifically chosen by God, and I want to honor that. I want to write about only what He chooses to have me write about, and honor Him in all of my writing. 

I didn't feel a stirring yesterday. Sure, there were things on my heart that I thought would make a good post, and things I "transparently" wanted to write about, but nothing that I felt was of Him. 

That was, until this morning. 

God is doing weird, crazy, amazing things in me and in my family. And I could not be more thrilled. 

Yesterday we had dinner with a ministry couple, and to say that they helped answer the question I've been asking God would be an understatement. 

Have you ever felt like God cannot use you? 

Have you ever been TOLD that God cannot use you? 

I have. Both. I've felt like there was nothing important or powerful inside of me and I've been told that there was nothing good inside of me. 

When I first started walking intimately with God six years ago, I began writing less than Three. At that time, I heard many people say that I needed to understand what my "place" was. I needed to understand that I couldn't teach youth, I couldn't speak openly because I was a woman and various other things; some of the issues were my gender, and some were the sinful life I had come out of. 

I warred with myself because of this. I was angry with God. I was angry with myself. I wanted to serve Him, I felt this calling to serve Him, and when I "felt" like no one accepted me, I became more and more bitter. 

I couldn't understand why God would allow me to experience the horrendous life I experienced if there wasn't something powerful and amazing He was going to do in my life NOW. 

Was the amazing and powerful thing simply my salvation? That's what I was told often; that I needed to just appreciate that God had saved me from my wretched ways and sit back and bask in His goodness. 

I tried that; but I had a spirit that wanted to come alive. It couldn't come alive because I kept squashing it. 

I met new friends, tried church after church, tried to mold myself into the perfect Christian woman that did everything as I was asked. Finally, I started to blackslide into my old ways. I couldn't keep the fascade up. I couldn't be this woman that everyone kept saying I needed to be. 

I remember falling down in my shower at an old house and just crying out to God, "why, why won't you just save me? Why won't you work in me? What is wrong with me?"

I never felt like I heard an answer. 

Until recently--and undoubtedly last night. Last night He pulled the scales off that had formed over my eyes. 

He wasn't able to use me the way He wanted to because I wasn't truly being the woman HE wanted me to be. I wasn't stepping into the calling He set forth for me. I was trying to mold myself into every version that this world wanted, but never the one that He knit together in my mother's womb. He cannot use someone that isn't accepting the gifts He gives them. He cannot use someone that fights against His calling. 

Do you do this friend? Accept what the world says, or your own head, instead of trusting and believing that He has something special and powerful JUST FOR YOU? Do you think it's impossible for God to use you because you have messed up so badly, been such a disgrace in the world that you believe it is a reflection of who you truly are?

Don't believe that lie. Don't believe that nonsense. Because, let me assure you my friend, it is nonsense. God has a plan and a purpose for each of us, and that plan and purpose will advance His kingdom in some way. 

I have believed for a long time that God wouldn't use me because I was was so disgraceful. It turns out, the disgrace I brought to myself, it's the exact reason HE CHOSE TO USE ME. 

Be who God called you to be, sweet friend, and don't accept what anyone else says, and that includes yourself. Step into God's calling for your life, and step out of the mere existence you're living today. 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--I was a binge-eater

Writing is slowly becoming a large part of my every day life again. I started the Transparent Thursday series to try and ease back into the blogging world, and I admit, it was a little tough at first. Blogging can be a bit painful if you don't have a thick skin--skin protected by Christ. You lay your heart out there, and you always run the risk of someone not agreeing with you, being mean towards you, or flat out nasty in some cases; and for me, this was a deterent in blogging regularly again--especially about Christ. Writing about Christ brings a lot of emotions out of people. 

But, this series has helped a lot with the fears and angst I was living with. This series, and the book of course. Writing less than Three was really where I had to develop a pretty tough skin. It's a TOUGH BOOK TO READ. It's a tough book on SO MANY LEVELS, and I really put my life out there in a real and transparent way. I knew I would get haters, but what I knew much more than that was that I had a calling from God to expose my life in an attempt to bring sin to light. 

I did that, and have been truly blessed since. And blogging has been much easier since then. 

This summer I wrote a little on the negative feedback that I received regarding my weight loss, and that I ended up deleting a post after an estranged family member wrote a comment that really dug deep. 

I was so wrong for allowing that comment to deter me, but I really should have thought more about my post as well. I want to be an encouragement, never a stumbling block. It's okay that people take my weight loss negatively. It really is. When someone loses as much weight as I did in such a short amount of time, it can cause many people to wonder, "what did she do?" And with those kinds of questions come many assumptions. When I first started receiving the negative comments, I was hurt. Not because I wanted people to embrace me, but because I had worked so hard to lose the weight that I wanted that to be the focus, not that I was looking, "unhealthy". 

I had a conversation with my mom about two weeks ago and laid out a few health questions for her. I was experiencing some health things that I was concerned about, and my mom voiced concern that maybe I had taken my weight loss too far. 

When I had written my previous blog, that question and her concerns would have sent me into a tail spin of anger and resentment. But, during this conversation, I was able to focus on Christ, what He had laid on my heart, and answer her respectfully and honestly. 

That conversation led to this post. 

I suffered from a debilitating disorder called binge-eating, but I didn't recognize that for a long time into my losing weight process. 

Why did I try and lose weight in the first place? 

What is the point of being healthy? And what exactly IS healthy? 

For me, I wanted to get closer to God. I wanted to free myself of the negative thoughts in my head, and stop the things I was doing to my body. 

There were days when I couldn't walk up the steps without being winded. I never got down on the floor and played with my kids, because I had no motivation to be active with them. I didn't run around the yard with them or chase them around. I just couldn't do that because my body wasn't healthy or moving the way it needed to. 

I was turning 30 years old and the thought that I was truly an "adult" screamed in my head. I needed to learn to take care of my body, so that I would be around to take care of my children for many years. 

The first thing I did was give up diet soda. I thought I would just give it up for 30 days, that was my goal. But, the more the days went by, the more I saw my body improving. I lost about 14lbs within mere weeks from water weight. The aspartame in the soda wasn't being broken down properly because our bodies don't know how to break down that fake sugar. I drank nothing but water for 30 days, and the way my body changed simply blew my mind. I couldn't believe how much my bloating went down and how much my stomach shrunk. 

I started to pray, heavily. I wanted God to help me understand what it meant to be healthy. I wanted to understand what He wanted my body to be like. 

He answered in a mighty way. I had to be mentally fit first. I had to put Him first, and after that everything else would fall into place. 

Well, He was right. He always is. By praying and relying on Him, He continued showing me where my problem areas were. 

Binge-eating. 

What exactly is binge-eating? Binge-eating is a disorder in which someone frequently consumes large amounts of food in a sitting. Now, we all overeat a little on OCCASSION, such as holidays by having multiple plates of food at Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, for those that suffer as I did, over-eating crosses the line to binge-eating when it is a regular occurence and done in secret. 

That was me. 

Often times the binge-eater will be ashamed of what they have done, and vow to never do it again, but the urge always wins and binging occurs again, causing more shameful feelings. 

This was me to a T. I have been binge-eating since college as a coping mechanism. I wondered at first whether drugs had started my binge-eating, but it was through prayer that I realized that my binging began in the confines of my apartment very shortly after my rape and sodomy, long before drugs were a part of my life. 

I couldn't control anything in my life, but I could take in food and control the thoughts I was having. I could replace the shame and guilt I was feeling about what had happened to me and the sexual endeavors I was engaging in by binging--I replaced my rape shame with binge shame. 

And I continued that for almost 10 years, until finally God pulled the scales off of my eyes and opened me up to what I was living with. 

As I have walked closer to God in the past 6 years the shame ate me up at times. I would make promise after promise after promise to stop and then something always made me binge again. I would pray and pray and it didn't seem to ever feel like He was helping me. 

Why? Why was I doing that to myself? Why wasn't He helping me?

The answer for me was deeply rooted sin that I was holding onto instead of surrendering. There were sins in my life that I had never admitted. There were things in my life that I needed to talk about and express, and I wasn't wililng to do that anymore because I had been so very ostracized when I tried in the past--especially as a Christian. So, I hid my feelings and I binge-ate in secret and let the shame of continue eating me up.

This past summer everything in my life changed. As I was obedient in writing less than Three and was willing to admit EVERYTHING in my life, God showed me so many things about myself. Binge-eating was one of them. 

But, once I knew what the problem was, things didn't all of a sudden get better. No, it took much prayer and a lot of His power to stop doing it. I had to change everything about my eating habits. I had to put really small portions on my plate so that I wasn't tempted to gobble everything down in one sitting. Instead, I put small portions on my plate and let it digest, and then if I am still hungry, which I usually am, I get a second plate. Not a second plate of massive amounts, but a second plate of reasonble portions for someone who is struggling to control themself. 

I also added in working out. I had always told myself that I wasn't the "workout type", but that was just an excuse to be lazy truthfully. I really didn't want to give up binging. I knew if I started to workout, I would probably want to stop binging, and I really didn't want to do that deep down, because it helped me focus my shame somewhere else other than on my past. 

But, something kept screaming at me that it would really help with my mood. (ahem, I know that voice was the Spirit, ahem) So, I started working out WITH my kids. We made it part of homeschool. Our workouts took about 15 mins, and the kids loved it. The more they loved it, the more we increased what we did, and then the more I loved it. The more I loved it, the more I wanted to continue it. 

At the beginning of the summer I decided to start running. I really didn't like running, I still don't, but I do enjoy the feeling afterwards. I decided I wanted to try a 4-miler that was in my hometown that raised money for breast cancer awareness. Now, remember, I said I don't enjoy running, so when I decided to do it I really didn't want to focus on trying to be fast, I just wanted to accomplish it. I still don't have a fast mile by any means, but I can get it done without feeling like I am going to die and that is a huge feat for me, personally. I've realized it's all about personal goals and not comparing yourself to others! 

When I decided that I was going to do the 4-miler a friend of mine posted that her husband was going to start a personal training session on Saturday mornings in preparation for anyone who may be gearing up for walks/runs and I decided to jump in and join them. I had no idea what I was getting into, and I'm glad I didn't because had someone "warned" me, my laziness would have stopped me. 

I am so thankful I started that workout with them this summer because it really showed me what I am capable of and what my body can do. Wow. God made some magnificent beings in us! Our bodies can do remarkable things. I've pushed myself beyond limits that I knew for sure I couldn't accomplish, and guess what, I accompilshed them. I not only accomplished them, but I felt good. I not only felt good, but I was losing weight, a lot of weight. And then, not only was I losing weight, but I was toning and gaining muscle. 

It was all so amazing. 

He is so amazing!!

Today, my favorite workouts are pushups, pullups and rowing; like seriously I LOVE THESE WORKOUTS! I wish I could do them everyday, and guess what, I'm considering buying my own straps so that I CAN. I never imagined that I would get to this point. 

I've been introduced to beachbody workouts and let me tell you what, they are incredible. I am gearing up to start a new workout called piyo and starting a protein shake called shakeology and I'm stoked to see what these two things do to my body. Like, stoked! 

I've met some incredible women that have encouraged me throughout these months. Many I workout with on Saturdays, but many simply through social media. Social media has been such an encouragement to me through these months and I wouldn't trade one picture I've posted or one moment of being transparent because each time I have gained beautiful rewards. 

Today, I am down 85 lbs from where I was one year ago, and about 60lbs from where I was when I started this journey in March. Yes, that's a lot of weight--but more than that it's a lot of FREEDOM. Freedom from something that was really ruining my life--binge-eating. 

God has truly freed me from this disorder, and I can truly and honestly admit that I have not binged since the very moment that He showed me I was suffering. The moment I surrendered that He has walked closely with me and I have felt a supernatural strength to keep from going back. I have overeaten a few times at dinners, yes. There were times when I was learning how to eat properly, what to eat, what was healthy to eat. But, I have not indulged in binging since probably June of this year...wow, I'm just realizing how long it's been. 

He truly is amazing. 

Are you struggling today, friend? Maybe you're not struggling with binging the way I did, but maybe you're struggling with unhealthy eating, not eating enough, skipping meals to try and "lose weight"? Maybe you've just accepted that you are a little heavy and "it's okay because God made us all different" and that's totally and completely true, but He wants us to be healthy and in Him, not just accept a sin we may not want to give over to Him. Whatever your personal situation is, I encourage you to write it down. Write down your weaknesses and give them over to God in prayer. Food should not be a weakness for us; it should fuel our bodies and minds, not control our bodies and minds! 

This is me over one year ago, before I decided to lose weight, when I just accepted my life and my binging:

Here is me after I decided I wanted to try and lose a little weight:

And here is me today, feeling better, no longer binging, and in my personal opinion, looking better:

I am currently trying to gain about 10-15lbs of muscle, yes muscle! I am also having to drink an insane amount of water because I was not drinking nearly enough to keep up with my working out. The conversation with my mom led to the reality that I was suffering a bit from dehydration and it was causing problems with my health. As long as I drink enough water, the problems I had been experiencing are non-existent. 

I encourage you today, friend, to get healthy, mentally and physically. Maybe you think I lost too much weight and you're not about to go the route I did, and that's okay! But, I do encourage you to see if there is anything you feel you are not giving over to God regarding your food intake and LET IT GO! 

And remember, mentally fit and then physically fit. It's not about getting skinny, it's about getting healthy. 

I am here to help you in anyway I can, and I promise you, I WANT TO HELP! 

You can email me at womenwalkingupright@gmail.com 

You are less than only Three.

Love Dare

What does love mean to you? 

What does marriage mean to you?

Is it long-suffering? Is it patient? Does it know NO end? 

It's been a difficult road for me, as I learn to love my husband the way I am called to. I have always given him what I thought he deserved, never what Christ said he should be given. If he upsets me or hurts my feelings, I always thought it was okay to do the same. An eye for an eye, right? If he hurt me, you best believe I was going to hurt him. 

Honestly, this mentality rang true for every relationship in my life, until very recently. 

Not too long ago God pulled the scales off of my eyes. He showed me what true love is and He instilled truth in me--His truth. 

I wasn't loving anyone in my life. I wanted to believe it was because I didn't know how to love; that I had never been properly taught. That might be the case, but it's not an excuse to continue living in sin. God gave me all that I need to love properly, whether any other human modeled it for me or not--Jesus in His human state did. He hung on a cross, in human form, and He loved in a way I can model my life after. He gave His life for me, and I want to give my life back to Him. 

Giving my life back to Him means I love in the way He loves--without regard to what someone else has done. I do not hold grudges, I do not hold an account as to what someone has done--I am not a clanging cymbal. 

I simply.....love. 

I am participating in a bloggers challenge where each day a blogger will tackle one of the 40 love dares. I am day 20, and we are currently in day 3. So much truth was revealed through that book, and through the movie Fireproof--but so much MORE truth is revealed when you follow Christ and read the Word. I long to emulate the love that He showed, and I long to become the woman He formed me to be in my mother's womb. Will you join us? 

Check out my instagram each day, _gingermom5_ for the current dare and join along as we learn to love our spouses the way God called us to! 

Transparent Thursday--reading the Bible all the way through

For the first time since I have felt called to write this series, God hasn't urgently pressed anything on my heart. There are defintely quite a few things I want to write about; sexual immorality, drug addiction, familial strains--but I don't think this is the week He wants me to write about them. 

This week, this week has been a quiet week--quiet in the Spirit. I spent A LOT OF TIME IN THE WORD, and honestly that's what I feel led to talk about! 

I'm going to keep it short, because honestly I feel lousy today. I'm not sure if I am coming down with something or if it is just the life of an exhausted stay-at-home mom, but I simply feel crummy. 

Transparency--I've never read through the entire Bible. 

Nope, never. 

I've read through the New Testament once, about 4 years ago, and I retained a little, but nothing to the extent that I know He would have liked. 

I've read a few books of the Old Testament, and really only retained the big stories that I think the entire world knows, even the non-believers; so really what did I "gain"? 

Not a lot. 

The truth is, I've never understood the Bible. Before I rededicated my life to walking with Christ, I was scared of the Bible. I was scared of this perceived God that seemed to judge and give out terribly harsh consequences. I believed at that time that He was punishing me for my terriby sinful life and I really didn't care to know what He said or how He said to live. 

Once I did dedicate my life to Him, I tried reading the Scriptures, but I approached it still with this attitutude that He was judging me. Every verse, every chapter screamed at me that I was disgusting and shameful and could never enter the Kingdom. 

That was the enemy, I believe, trying very boldly to keep me from becoming intimate with God. Now, I know that the enemy is not omni-present, as in he is not everywhere and he was not always physcially keeping me from reading, but the lies that he placed in my life kept me from falling at the foot of the cross and walking under grace. That separation kept me from truly seeing the beauty in Scripture. 

That has changed recently. 

A few months ago I found something called "Bible Journaling" and I cannot even begin to tell you what this did to my walk, to my reading, to my intimacy with Christ. 

I long to open my Bible now, to hear Him, to see His beauty, to allow His truths to resonate within me. 

I've always been a journaler, since I was a little girl. But, what I would do throughout my entire life was STOP journaling when the shame would take me over. I couldn't handle the shame I felt and if that shame made its way to physical words on a paper, I had to stop writing. I've always stopped writing. 

Today, I want the words to pierce me deeply. I want to write what's on my heart, with no regard to what anyone else may think--only Him. I am confidant of what He says about me now, and I can rest in knowing that even if the words I write are harsh or need to be clarified more, He will show me. He isawesome  like that. He simply wants me to worship Him and be honest about what is in my heart. 

That is my focus when I read now, worshipping and praising Him. 

I have chosen a few books to read throughout the past few months, and I have been deeply changed through them. But, I have felt this urgency to read the Bible, in its entirety, cover to cover, and I was weary at first. Many churches do this as a whole, but I didn't want to rush through it. I really wanted to take my time, but yet be in a community with other people.

So, I decided to reach out to a few girlfriends, and post on my FB to see if anyone was interested in doing it with me--low and behold, women were feeling the same desire to read as I was. 

There's a website called goodmorninggirls.com by Courtney Joseph that is doing this currently, and Courtney so graciously created a plan to go along with the reading, as well as some study notes. 

I decided to adapt the plan to my life, and begin reading immediately. I completed Chapter 1 today and LET ME TELL YOU, the Spirit worked through me! 

I think everyone pretty much knows the creation account, again even non-believers. But, as I took my time, wrote, prayed, and used my pens and stickers, I just felt different about it. 

I mean, God created the entire WORLD out of His mouth--He spoke, and it was done. Created. No question. No lag time. Simply, created. 

How is that not amazing? Well, I think it is. 

So, today marked my journey of reading the Bible, cover to cover, for the very first time in 30 years. I am excited, and I am nervous to see what He has waiting for me. 

If you would like to join me, please, reach out and let me know. I would love to have you on my team! Holding each other accountable is such a fun, and encouraging way to do this journey together! 

You can find me on FB as: Ashley Hermsmeier or instagram as _gingermom5_ 

I cannot wait to hear and see all the way through these pages that we are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday--what does bringing darkness to light mean?

It's that day again, Transparent Thursday. When I went to bed last night I THOUGHT I knew what I would write on today. But, like always, He showed me that MY ways are not HIS ways. 

What does it mean to bring darkness to light for you, friend? I have wondered this ever since I published less than Three. I have wondered why I revealed many of the truths that I did in that book (and yes, they are truths and not made up as some want to claim), and why He has pressed so heavily on me to have this recurring series. 

Darkness.

Light. 

What do they mean? I mean, really?

Doesn't everyone WANT to live in the light? Doesn't everyone long to have their sins exposed so they can live a more freeing, open life helping others to find freedom?

I've found that the answer is a big, NO.

No, most people do not want to come out of the darkness and into the light. 

MOST actually PREFER the dark over the light. 

I was one of those people. I was one of the people for YEARS after finding Christ that sat, shamefully, in the dark, too afraid to admit my mistakes. I was the person that was reminded, by myself, by the enemy and by family (never friends, I have some of the best of them, but always family) that would remind me, incessantly, about the mistakes that I have made. I walked around with this idea that I had to find fault in others just to make myself feel better--I couldn't stand to have my sins pointed out. 

I would hide my past. I would only discuss things that I thought people would "understand". I tried everything humanly possible to medicate myself whether it be with cocaine, alcohol, sex or marijuana. I did this for A LONG TIME. 

I don't mind discussing my downfalls anymore. I don't mind bringing my sins to light, because THEY HAVE NO HOLD ON ME. 

But, not everyone feels this way. A lot of people, they cannot remotely handle their sins being exposed, not in the slightest, and when I began openly admitting mine, boy oh boy did I make people uncomfortable. 

But, I don't think it was me. I think the Holy Spirit began stirring inside of many, pressing on them to begin bringing their sins to light too. 

I don't believe any of us should deny that we have made MONUMENTAL mistakes and I also don't think that every person should begin writing about their sins and mistakes the way I have. I was called to do this--it's defintely not for everyone, nor SHOULD it be. We all have different ways of serving the Kingdom, this just happens to be my way. 

BUT, I do believe that God wants every single one of us to admit to each other how badly we fail. I whole-heartedly believe that the Holy Spirit is doing a mighty work within people and stirring up real emotions regarding my posts and my book. 

Why? Because the enemy has a hold of us when we live in the darkness. When we step into the light, and we say "enemy, you have NO hold on me", we lose those chains we were bound by. 

And Jesus died so that those chains would be released. 

Bondage. 

Jesus died to release us from bondage to sin. Sin has no hold on us when we release it. 

I've heard many times that people don't find it necessary to "air their dirty laundry the way I do" and that's fine; however I don't see it as "airing my dirty laundry", that is the enemy speaking like that. 

I see it more like this--I lived in the darkness, and I DESPERATELY want to walk in the light now. Walking in the light, FOR ME, means allowing my past to be used as a flashlight to the darkness. I walked through a horrendous life, that has recently been called "make believe", because God wanted to use my life to help those currently walking through similar if not the same types of things--sexual immorality, addiction, shame, guilt, a sin-riddled life. 

And, I'M ON BOARD. I am okay with Him using my life to illuminate Him. I am okay with admitting how badly I was broken, how badly I messed up so that I can point a light to the ONE who saved me. 

Those who aren't okay with this, they have their own ideas of what it means to bring darkness to light, and that's okay. I'm okay with not everyone agreeing with my calling. 

I am also okay with those that don't want me to speak because they want to stay hidden in the darkness. I am okay with this, but the question is--is God? 

Is Jesus?

If you believe the answer is yes, then my next question would be--what did Jesus' death really do? If it didn't free us from sin, if it didn't release our chains, what did it really do? 

For me, it released me from the hell I was living--that I often times created myself and many times had a bent enemy who wanted to keep me FAR FROM GOD because he knew what God would do with me if I ever admitted what I had been through and done. He would do a MIGHTY work. I was enthralled by the works of the enemy. I wanted Jesus, but I wanted MY life too. I wanted a cozy existence and that meant no one, EVER, could know the things I had said, done, had done to me, or that I had done to others. 

I could never admit that I had been "the other woman", people would look at me like I was DISGUSTING. I felt disgusting, why wouldn't others think the same thing? I could never admit that cocaine helped me numb the pain I was experiencing in 2009--still reeling from my rape and sodomy only 6 years prior--AFTER I had rededicated my life to Christ. And I could NEVER admit that without marijuana, my night terrors kept me up for YEARS, and that since giving it up, I have not slept well for a very long time (that truth comes in the next book). 

I couldn't admit these things for a long time. 

I can now, I can now because THEY HAVE NO HOLD ON ME. But, they were real in my life. They were real for a long time. 

I couldn't handle my extended family discussing my life with EVERYONE they were friends with, so I hid my sins. I hid them from the world because I was so ashamed of these things they wanted to expose to the world. 

I AM NO LONGER ASHAMED. 

Jesus finds no shame in me. The greatest part, He never did. He knew, as He hung on that cross that I would do the things I did, and yet, I WAS STILL COUNTED WORTHY. 

THAT reality set me FREE. 

My family's opinion of me, even your opinion sweet friend, although it still weighs heavily on me sometimes, IT DOESN'T DEFINE ME. Jesus defines me. 

What does Jesus say about me?

He says I am a royal priestess, a holy chosen child of His and I am redeemed by His blood--no longer bound by the shackles I wore. 

I AM SET FREE. 

He says the same of you, friend. He counts you worthy, He wants to release you from whatever bondage you are under. But, the question is, do you feel like you are living under bondage?

I'm finding recently that many deny they have any bondage to be freed from. I'm finding so many people deny that they have sins within them they need to be released from, and that used to disturb me, but NOW, it gives me opportunity to pray. 

Because the TRUTH IS, we ALL have serious bondage to be released from. Whether it be the outright terrible things "done" as I did, or the inner workings of someones heart, there are undoutedly things that Jesus MUST heal. We cannot pretend like someone else's "disgusting sin" is any worse than the mean, negative things we THINK of that person when they admit what they have done. Sin runs deep, very deep, and it starts within each of us. It longs to be kept in the darkness so that Jesus can have no healing over it. Sin doesn't want to be brought to light. It LONGS to stay in the darkness. Sin gains momentum in the darkness. 

But, when we bring our sins to light, when we admit, even in the smallest way that we are struggling with something, we give the enemy and sin NO HOLD ON US. 

Jesus becomes the victor. 

This is why I live the way I live now. THIS is why I write these Transparent Thursday blogs--because I have no problem admitting that I ONCE lived a very bad life. This is why I wrote my book, so that the ones STILL enthralled by the enemy, can know that someone else once lived there too, and that Jesus forgave me, and HE WILL FORGIVE THEM. 

He will forigve you, friend, but, you MUST admit that you are struggling first. You MUST admit that you have darkness and that light can set you free. 

I would love to pray for you if you are struggling. I would love to join you in your journey with Christ, to step out of the darkness and into the light. 

Will you let me walk with you? If not, that's okay! Will you at least admit it to yourself and release it to Him? He is truly the one who can free you. 

Remember, you are less than only Three! 

Less than Three--the ministry

To say that God has done mighty works within me and my family would simply be an understatement. I'm not sure I can adequately describe what God has done, although I will try. 

Coming from the dark as I did, I had no idea how beautiful and vibrant the light would be. I am so thankful to be there now. And I will NEVER go back! Sure, I will undoubtedly have really bad days, months, probably years, but I will simply never be consumed by darkness again. God has assured me that He is with me, loving me, even in my weakest and most challenging moments. 

And the same is true of you, friend. 

God, He's amazing! He's jealous for us, He wants all of us. He doesn't want to share us with this world, He wants our entire being. 

ENTIRE 

When I sat down to write less than Three, I had no idea what I was doing. I simply knew that I felt called to write it. I was scared, TERRIFIED is really a better word, but I wanted DESPERATELY to obey! So, I stepped out and admitted how dark my life truly was. I walked my readers through the most painful parts of my life. 

Why? 

That's a question a few have asked me. The answer was hard to come up with at first, but it's simple now. God wanted to use my life to bring darkness to light. He wanted to use my testimony for anyone still struggling in the darkness. He wanted anyone that is currently walking through any dark tunnel, as I lived in, to know that He is active and present and waiting to bring light to that tunnel. 

I didn't want Him to use my life at first. I was quite irritated and angry at first, and then once it was published, and my family became so angry and mean, I admit, I regretted my decision. I shook my fist a little at God and cried out, "why me"? Poor pitiful 'ol me, right?

Wrong! 

He used me because that's what His purpose was. Let people scoff, I invite the scoffing now. They're not really scoffing or ridiculing me, they are truly scoffing and ridiculing Him.

I am so thankful now to have been used. I don't want to simply proclaim Jesus as my Savior at the end of my life--I want Him to be Lord every single day. 

Lord of my life. Lord over every aspect. 

I thought less than Three would simply be a book, and then He showed me it is much more than that. First He revealed it would be a Trilogy, and that I wasn't expecting. I wasn't prepared to hear that from Him. But, I audibly heard Him tell me there is much, MUCH more He has to reveal to this world through me. And, I willingly step up to the plate now. I am His vessel, waiting to be used however He sees fit. 

I have been fervent in prayer about what exactly He wants from me. What is less than Three. How do I fulfill my calling? How do I reach a broken, and lost world? Because, let's be truly frank and honest--there are a lot of broken and lost people wandering around aimlessly through this world. Most don't even understand that they are lost. Some even say they know Jesus, and continue walking in darkness despite what they "believe". I did! 

How was I to reach these people?

Well, when you ask God to speak to you, you had better be prepared to hear Him and follow Him. There's no turning back when you ask God a direct question. 

What is less than Three? It is a praying ministry. How do I reach a lost world? I PRAY over that world. I engage that world with my heart, and I pray for it. 

I long to take petitions to Him. I long to meditate over problems and give them over to Him. I long to take requests that people don't know how to take themselves, and release them to the Healer--because oh my goodness will He ever heal. Heal in a mighty way. Heal in a way that is unexpected and transforming. 

But, I don't want to just pray for the easy things. Jobs, cars, money, calmness. No, I want to pray for the broken, the dark, the lost and ones that think they're ugly, deep down into their souls. I want people to know they can bring their life to me, and I will pray over them. I will lay hands on them if I can, and if I cannot, I will simply lay hands on their name--written in my personal and private journal. 

"Pray without ceasing" -- 1 Thessalonians 5:17

That is the least and most powerful thing I can do for this world--pray. 

There is nothing that is too much for me to pray over. There is nothing in this world that breaks my heart more than separation from God--and prayer can forge that gap between us and Him. 

So, my dear and sweet friends, if you have a prayer, please send it to me. Please, do not hesitate. If you are broken, lost and just don't know how to reach out to Him, let me go to Him in your place. Let me begin forging that gap for you. Let me pray over you, will you? 

You can reach me at lessthanonlythree@gmail.com

You can reach me on FB at: lessthanthree

It is my sincere and honest prayer that He allow me opportunities to pray over anything and everything. Do not hesitate. Do not think I will judge you--for I have been judge far too much by man, and Jesus thinks I'm just fine the way I am, and the SAME is true of you. 

Reach out, ask for prayer, and watch as the Spirit fills you with a new peace! 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

How can I begin praying for you, friend?

Transparent Thursday--I was not a loving mother at all times

You know I love a Transparent Thursday post! And today is no exception! 

Today we celebrate the birthday of our oldest son, Jordon. He turns 11 years old, and what a treasure he is. He is witty, funny, sweet, loving, a HUGE cuddler, and he's been the biggest blessing I never knew I had. 

Our story is complicated. It can be messy at times. It's not only our story to share, but we are the ones that are typically asked about it. 

You see, Jordon started out 11 years ago as my first nephew. He was born during a hurricane, and he is pretty intense like a hurricane too. He grew within my younger sister's womb, and quickly grew within my heart--but it took years for me to see or feel that growth. 

My sister suffers from Bipolar disorder, and if you don't know anything about that disorder, then my explaining it won't help. If you do know something about it, then no more explanation is probably needed. She struggles. 

But, don't we all? I mean, yes, she struggles a little more than most of us, but we ALL struggle with SOMETHING, I am defintely no exception. I struggle greatly myself, thankfully her disorder is something I do not struggle with. 

I struggle from social anxiety disorder, a chemical imbalance that affects the neurons in my brain. I am seeing huge growth thanks to prayer, and understanding my struggle. I had to admit I was struggling in order to begin seeing changes though, and I wasn't willing to do that for a long time. 

My denial, made me a really bad mom to Jordon. Jordon struggles himself, and he's too young for me to share too much, but I will simply call it ADHD for now, although I think it's much deeper than that. 

Jordon moved in with our family when my husband and I had been married for a little over a year, and our son had just turned 1. He was living with my mother, and they moved in with us to help counter my husband being laid off. We needed financial help, and my mom was going through a separation, so we all thought the two of them should move in with us. 

This is where our story gets complicated. I want to share so much, but my sister is not happy often with my sharing, so I will tread very carefully as to not offend anyone--while still sharing our story. 

My sister loves Jordon, she truly does. I questioned that for a number of years, but I know without a dobut that she truly does. However, that love didn't extend in the way that some of us moms extend love. She kind of bounced in and out of his life, leaving my mom the primary care provider for the first 4 years of his life. 

Jordon was 3 when I married my husband, and he was the first "male" role model Jordon had. He IMMEDIATELY attached to my husband, intensely. There was no doubt when my mom moved in with us that Jordon needed stability. 

He was struggling greatly. He had SCREAMING tantrums, hitting, biting, punching, kicking, he just simply needed stability. We all recognized that. We tried to instill that. 

We moved him into our sons room, and I began taking the motherly role. I didn't do that part willingly though. I felt like I "had" to. I resented my sister very much. I resented the fact that she could do whatever she wanted, and still be his mom. I resented her late night partying, and her dropping by incessantly to have "fun" with him. I resented everything about her. And I took that frustration out on him. 

If you ask him about it, he'll deny it happened. But, I know the truth. I also know, God must've protected him from it because he truly didn't feel like I wasn't loving him. If you ask him, he says I'm the best mom and he doesn't remember me ever not being nice. If you ask him, I love him intensely and if it weren't for me, he doesn't know who he would be. He loves me fiercely! 

That is the grace of God, there's no question about it. 

I know, unfortunately, that my screaming was directed at him, often. I'm a yeller, I've shared that often through my blogs. It's something God is HEAVILY working on in my life. I yell at everyone, but for a few years, as my other children were too little to really be doing anything wrong, I yelled primarily at his precious soul. Oh, what a humbling moment this is to admit. 

I yelled unrighteously at him. As I mentioned, he struggled greatly when we first took him in. I had the opportunity to overwhelm him with love, and I did, but I also saw my sister. When he would act out, when he would misbehave, I didn't see a child--instead I saw my adult sister who seemed to be "out of control". I judged her through his actions, if that makes any sense. 

It wasn't right. But, it happened. There was about a 1 year time span, 6 months or so we had no contact with her, that it was the worst. We had a restraining order on my sister, I was angry, I was dealing with SERIOUS sin in my own life, that I just couldn't admit, and I took my frustrations out via screaming at that little guy. 

I WAS WRONG. 

Again, I saw my sister in him, and I hated what I saw. I envisioned this child growing up and acting like this adult I was having such a hard time with. And I allowed my emotions to control my tongue. 

I WAS WRONG. 

As he grew, we continued having more children, and my plate continued filling up. The screaming really started to rear it's ugly head with everyone, not just him anymore. He was simply the one I was "irritated" with the most--and it was always after my sister had done something. I always saw her in him, I couldn't separate the two of them. I loved him, but I saw this woman that I seriously was angry with. 

I was angry with her for not loving him. I was angry with her for having her twins, I was angry with her for "ruining my mom". I was angry with her for all the wrong reasons. 

I was angry. 

The truth is, I wasn't really that angry at my sister. I was really angry with myself. I felt what I was doing, and I couldn't stop. But, what I felt more than that was this stirring within from God that said, "you are angry with yourself". 

I denied that. Why would I be angry with myself? I wasn't the one doing the ridiculous things, she was. 

OH BUT I WAS. 

I was living with my own sins, my own downfalls, and instead I focused completely on my sister. It was easier that way. It was easy to focus on someone else's shortcomings as opposed to my own. I didn't want to focus on my short comings. I wanted to love that child, but I didn't want to admit that I wasn't loving that child. 

Moving into our new home in September 2013 was when God really started working on my heart. It was shortly after I had tried to take my life, while living with my mom and sister for a year. THAT year, almost destroyed me. I allowed every single sin that I was living with, hiding, eat at me so badly, that I tried to take my life. 

IT WAS THAT CHILD that spoke to me afterwards, and wrapped his arms around me. IT WAS THAT CHILD that said, "what will I do without you? You're my mom. How do I choose between you and Daddy?".

Now, at the time he didn't know I had tried to take my life. He only thought that his mom and dad were getting a divorce. Instead of admitting how badly I was struggling, I blamed my sweet and loving husband. It became much easier to focus on him, than myself. I was tired of focusing on my sister, and I turned on my husband. 

GOD'S GRACE AGAIN. My husband is my rock! 

After moving into our new home, God began a mighty work in my heart. He showed me the sins I was hiding, and He showed me what He wanted me to do with it. Less than Three was written in obedience to what He was doing at the time. I share in less than Three about how much I struggled with being Jordon's mom, in vivid detail. It's heartbreaking, because I really failed that boy. 

But, it's beautiful too, because if you have faith in God, and you believe in grace, what happened within my heart is nothing short of GRACE and REDEMPTION. 

He called me "Mom" for the first time in September 2013. He referred to me as mom to others, and when he would talk to me he would say things like, "you're my mom," but he called me "Nina" which is godmother in Spanish. I am his godmother, and my oldest neices godmother and that is what I am referred to by nieces and nephews. 

Yet, this child called me, "Mom". I wrestled with the name for a long time. My sister was his mom, not me. She fought us tooth and nail to stay his mom, so how could I be his mom too? 

Oh the turmoil I felt within. 

God healed all of that. 

He revealed, in a mighty way, that Jordon was chosen by Him to be my son just as much as he was chosen to grow in my sister's womb. God had a purpose for all of us, and my purpose was to be his mom. My sister is his birth mother, I am his mom. 

There's a difference, and it's something I respect and treasure now. 

I am thankful to my sister now. The anger, the irritation that I often feel, God eases that. There are moments, in my flesh, when I am insanely mad at my sister. But, God quickly softens my heart. 

He's AWESOME like that. 

There hasn't been a moment, in the last year, that I have questioned why I am raising this child as mine. He is mine. He was always meant to become mine. God doesn't make mistakes. And we cannot change His will. 

I struggle with yelling still, but I don't struggle with directing it at him anymore. Today, after 6 years as his mom, I can truly and unequivocally say, I am thankful to be his mom. 

I am thankful for every single hard day we have had, because they have taught me SO MUCH. I have learned more about grace through that precious child than I could have ever learned without him. 

I was scared to share this story. We all know I still struggle with the opinions of others. I felt like I "knew" I would get someone saying, "that woman doesn't deserve that child", and it would crush me. 

Truth is, I don't deserve any of my children. I don't deserve my life. 

But, God doesn't give us what we deserve. He gives us what he gives because He is good, and He has a purpose for us. I was meant to have 5 children, all of which are raised in the admotion of the Lord, and in THAT I can rest! 

Moral to today's post, appreciate what you are given and DO NOT QUESTION why you were given something. You may never understand, but He does. He has a purpose, a plan and it is GOOD. 

She Reads Truth

(I cannot add links in my blog because I write primarily from my iPad, but I strongly suggest anyone who reads this checks out the website shereadstruth.com, download the app, or get onto their emailing list)

To say the last 17 days have been intense would be an understatement, woulnd't it! I mean, WHOA! Hosea packs a punch. 

I have been participating with the She Reads Truth group for about 2 years off and on, but intentionally for about 6 months. I am trying to be intentional about God in general, and that means READING HIS WORDS. His true, and faithful words! 

I had no idea what Hosea was about, I admit, when I first opened the book up. I have never read through the entire Bible, however I am trying to do so this year. So, imagine my surprise when Hosea pretty much summed up MY LIFE. My rotten, sinful, walking away from God life. 

Yea, there were days when I felt like I was being punched in the gut by God. But, right after that initial punch, came CLARITY, LOVE, HOPE. 

Hosea literally means salvation. Oh, SALVATION. Is there a better and more beautiful words, SALVATION. 

Hosea is commanded by God to take this woman as his wife, knowing she was from a land that was riddled with sin. He obeys, takes her, and his life is forever changed. His wife, becomes and adulterer He is cheated on. His children are left. He is left holding a life that he was not prepared for; and then God commands that he go, seek out his wife, AND LOVE HER AGAIN. 

Wow! Not just take her back, but love her again. Just as God does us. His unrelenting love for us, and Israel, is undeniable in this book. 

We can run away, as Gomer tried, we can fall into sin as Gomer did, as Israel OFTEN DID, but His love NEVER STOPS. 

NEVER.

There are times when consequences are seen, children are left to the devastating ramifications of what their parents did, but He never completely turns His back on us. He lets us walk away, be entagled by sin, but when we turn back to Him, He PROMISES to ALWAYS accept us back. 

I was Gomer many times in my life. I have been Israel many times in my life. 

I have been pulled out of Whoredom as Gomer was. I have been unfaithful as Israel OFTEN was, but God never gave up on me. He always drew my heart back to Him in mighty ways. No matter how many times I chose man over God, God always chose me. 

God is truly the one that does all of the work in salvation. He draws our hearts back to Him. He softens them, shows us truth. It's always Him that does the work and never us. When I would take my life, and try and do it on my own, I always failed miserably. But, the moment I put my life into God's hands, HIS FAITHFUL hands, my life changed. And it changes every day. There are hard days, there are days that seem unbearable, but I always know I have this GOD, perfectly loving God, that has everything handled for me. I know, I can return to His loving hands and there will never be a question from Him. There will never be a reminder of my unfatithfulness--not from Him anyways. The enemy tries to get us to remember our unfaithfulness, but God never does. He simply never does. We can rest in that. We are His one true love, His betrothed, and He wants nothing more than to walk through this life hand in hand with us. 

I learned so much through this Hosea study, what did you learn, friends? 

Transparent Thursday--Lord of my Life, not just savior

Oh happy day, happy Thursday.

Transparent Thursday is always fun and hard for me. Fun, in that I am loving every moment of clarity and truth from Him. I am loving being obedient, following Him and writing whatever He lays on my heart. But, it's hard as well because the things I must write about, they are difficult to admit and difficult to be transparent about.  I think you all know me pretty well by now and know that I struggle greatly with wanting people to "like" me. He is slowly ridding me of this sin, the sin of needing other peopl's approval and instead only His. But, it's a process and one that makes me nervous sometimes. 

  

A new week started, and is about to wrap up. Today, marks a special day for us Americans, a day when we remember a time when we were attacked, brutally, and lost far too many innocent lives. 

Today, as I remember those people lost, as I remember the lives that were taken too soon, I think about the life I was given, and the life that I wasted for so long. 

I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 12 years old. I knew who He was, I knew what He had done, and I tried to follow him as an adolescent. I failed, miserably, but I tried. I prayed, I went to church, and I talked to my friends about God. 

But, that was the extent of my relationship as an adolescent. 

When I was 18 years old, I suffered a mental breakdown and began cutting my body in an attempt to release the pain I was feeling within. The molestation nightmares kept me up, every night, my mother was leaving a man who held us captive in an emotional hell for 5 years, and the boy I thought was my "savior" on this earth, grew up and decided it was time we split ways. 

All of the earthly things felt like they were crashing down around me and I couldn't see straight. That was the first time I consciously said, "I don't understand where you are God. I must be doing something wrong. I must need to 'do' something more," and so I headed off to college and tried "doing" more. 

I tried studying hard, I tried talking to my friends about God, and I tried being as "appropriate" as I thought I was capable of being, while still "having fun".

Enter Sophomore year of college, I thought I had everything in the palm of my hand. I thought I had it all worked out. I was "seeing" a boy I was head over heels in love with (or so I naively believed) and I was moving off campus to live with my very best friend (she is still my best friend today). I thought I was unstoppable. I thought I was "doing" exactly what I was supposed to be doing for a 19 year old girl, full of life and Jesus. 

Until that fateful night, after far too much alochol and far too many thoughts in my head, as I allowed the enemy to take control of my life. 

That night, I was raped and sodomized and left in a bathroom alone, frightened, and bleeding. I called out to this God that I knew, this God who was supposed to be a healing God, and I felt nothing. 

I didn't feel Him. I didn't hear Him. I didn't understand what I had done to deserve what had just happened, but I believed I HAD MOST DEFINTELY DONE SOMETHING WRONG. I believed I was being punished. 

I believed, without a doubt, that God was punishing me because of the boy I was in love with. We were committing a sin by being together, he was in a relationship with someone, and I was the other girl.

I was the other girl, yes that was me. 

I dove into alochol, I dove into sex. I became consumed with forgetting what had transpired in that bathroom. I became consumed with filling myself with outside influences in an attempt to quiet the voices in my head, screaming, "YOU ARE A DIRTY WHORE". Oh how my heart breaks for the girl I was then and the lies I was believing. 

I was NOT a whore. I was a sinner, broken, in desperate need of Jesus. 

But, I thought He had abandoned me. I thought He was punishing me. 

So, I walked away. I became like Israel, knowing who He was, but choosing to walk away. 

He was still my Savior, He always would be. I had accepted Him and nothing I ever did would take me away from Him. 

But, He gave us free will. He gave us the option of saying, "I simply don't want to walk with you anymore". Israel does it over and over and OVER again in the Bible. I feel like Israel often! 

But, that's the choice a lot of us make when we cannot seem to find Him anymore. We choose to walk away and handle life by ourselves. 

What I was doing was not putting Him as my Lord--Lord of my life. 

I adapted this mentality that Savior was enough, I would go to heaven, but walking with Him intimately was something I simply could not bear to do--I couldn't bear the weight of my own sins. 

So, I walked away from Lordship. 

Have you ever done this? Have you ever understood who He was, yet not allowed Him to be Lord over every asepct of your life? 

I wanted to do my own thing. I wanted to eliminate the pain on my own. And boy, oh boy, oh boy did I try. Cocaine, vodka, beer, marijuana, I tried anything to alleviate the pain I was experiencing. NOTHING WORKED. 

NOTHING. 

I walked through a sin-filled 2 years, until finally I realized, wait, I want more than this. 

I was married, had my first child, and thought "time to get serious about God." It was like a check on a checklist. 

Grownups go to church, grownups clean their act up. 

I wanted to be a growup. So, I started walking back. And, like He ALWAYS DOES, He opened His arms to me, and embraced me. He filled me, He loved me, and He spoke to my heart. 

After a few years walking with Him though, I wanted to walk away again. I wanted to be a "normal" woman. I was tired of being called, "Jesus freak", I was tried of my extended family making fun of me when I would study His word at family functions. I was simply tired of standing out of the crowd, and wanted to go back to being like my friends and family.

So, I walked away again. I simply could not handle, in my flesh, the negative reactions of people concerning my "conversion". I was tired of being mocked, I was tired of having people call me "too intense"....I was simply tired. 

In my flesh, I was caving to the ideas of this world. I walked around, in this state of confusion, for 2 years, trying to figure out how to have a relationship with Him, and still be of this world. 

Oh, I really wanted to be of this world. I wanted to be accepted by man, and God. I wanted both, my cake and eat it too--I mean isn't that what we're supposed to do? Eat the cake we are given? 

The answer is NO! 

"For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do."

Galatians 5:17

It took months, almost a full year, to truly understand this. It took tuning out every single person, and every single opinion and focusing ONLY ON HIM to hear truth. 

I needed a Lord, not just a Savior. 

I needed an anchor; a source of hope and truth and life. 

I couldn't wait unitl the day I reached Heaven's doors for Him to be my Savior, I needed a Lord while I walked through this life. 

We all need a Lord. We all need a driving force. If it's not Jesus, it's something. It could be your family, your job, your spouse, your children, your home, your pride, it could seriously be a million things. But, it should only be ONE--Jesus. 

I want it to ALWAYS BE JESUS. I have seen the devastating consequences of walking away from Him. I have felt the weight of sin, that weighs so heavy it can cripple you. 

I have also felt the hand of Jesus pull me out of a pit that was so dark, so gloomy, I thought I would die from the weight that was on top of me. 

I was never alone. 

You are not alone, friend. 

I encourage you to evaluate what is The Lord of your life. Evaluate whether He is simply your Savior, which you'll wait until death to see, or if you want to walk, hand in hand with Him in this world--making Him Lord over every day! 

Remember, you are less than only Three. 

Transparent Thursday -- I'm a yeller

It was like an overloaded balloon that suddenly popped and made everyone in earshot frightened and on alert. 

I was that balloon. 

I am that balloon still at times. 

It's Transparent Thursday, and again I'm nervous and nauseous at the thought of publishing this post. Last week, I caved to the the enemy. Last week, I deleted my blog post because of a negative comment. The comment broke my heart, and kept me up late into the night, and I allowed the enemy to steal so much joy from me last weekend regarding my blogs. 

I wanted to throw in the towel and not continue bringing darkness to light. 

Writing, being transparent, it's tough for me right now. I want to do it, I know I'm supposed to do it, but the fear that overwhelms me can leave me paralyzed. 

Why?

This incessant need I have to please people. It has reached a boiling point and I know that God is using my life to bring me away from the need to please people. If I am going walk with Him, I am going to have to be obedient to Him and not this world. That is tough for me. I have lived 30 years trying to gain acceptance from those around me. 

Wanting acceptance caused turmoil within me. 

I don't like admitting these things about myself. I don't like feeling vulnerable, feeling like people have a "right" to gossip and talk about me because I have so publicly opened up my life. 

But, I have got to STOP worrying so much about what others think of me, and begin worrying much more about what He thinks of me. 

He, He thinks I am a precious gem; a treasure to Him. 

His gem, His treasure. 

When I begin walking in that truth, He reveals so much to me. He brings clarity to my confused head, and light from darkness. 

He has done this in a grand way for me since writing the book, less than Three. 

Since writing the book, I feel a bit like a fish out of water. I have lived my entire life under an umbrella of lies; UTTER LIES. 

I believed I was worthless, ugly, fat, shameful and a whore who deserved any abuse I was given. I believed that it was okay to be screamed at and cussed out, and I believed it was okay to respond in the same fashion. If you screamed at me, I believed it okay to scream back. If you didn't scream at me, but whatever you said made me question my worth, I felt I had the right to scream. This panic creeps up in me when someone doesn't "like" me, or doesn't "hear" me. I find it necessary and acceptable to scream as loud as I can until I have made my point. 

I become like a caged animal, fighting to the death. 

I am that caged animal, and I am simply fighting myself. 

It's wrong. 

It's a sin. 

And I admit, I struggle greatly. 

This morning, we were late for a Dr's appointment. Very late. I asked my husband to call the Dr's office and let them know that I would be about 10 minutes late. I could not call because my cell phone is only for emergencies, this did not constitute an emergency for me. 

Of course, I got lost on the bypass, as I had never been to this particular office before (our Pediatrician has three offices). My 10 minutes turned into 15 minutes, and the panic quickly took over. I knew that Keegan had to be seen, and very much needed the shots we were scheduled to receive. I knew, (thought I knew of course) that we simply couldn't miss this appointment. If we did, I would be a failure. 

The enemy saw his chance, and he took it. The lies began, "what kind of mother can't get her child to the Dr's on time? What kind of mother is two months behind on vaccinations just because you only have one vehicle and couldn't get down to the Dr? And why do you only have one vehicle? What a failure you guys are, shouldn't you have two vehicles by now?" 

LIE ON TOP OF LIE ON TOP OF LIE.

I was suffocating by the time I pulled into the parking lot, a whopping 15 minutes after our appointment was set to have taken place. 

I rounded the three children up that I took with me, and headed into the office. I put the children in the waiting area, and walked over to the reception desk to check in, and the nurse realized who we are, and that we had very much missed our timeslot. 

I could see the words she was about to say and the panic within me began choking me. I wanted to puke as she said, "you've missed your entire appointment, I will have to see if the Dr will still see you." My heart sunk, I could feel my cheeks flush, my hands began perspiring, and I lost it. 

The caged animal came out, and I lost it. Tears filled my eyes, and I quickly spat back at her, with absolutely no regard for her, "I got lost, I'm sorry, the Dr will want to see us". She could see the tears, she could see the anxiety, and I saw only her ridicule. In that moment, as she was simply doing her job, I felt worthless to the receptionist. In that moment, simply because I was late, I felt like a worthless piece of crap. 

I know, as you're reading this you're probably thinking, "c'mon girl, shape up. You were only late, it's not the end of the world." 

I too can say that, NOW. 

I too, when not filled with that sin, can see the ugly that came out of me. But, in the moment, I was blind to it. I am always blind to it. I feel worthless, and I simply cannot see straight. I become like that caged animal who focuses on one thing and one thing only--prove your worth. 

That becomes my focus, prove to that person that you are not worthless. I felt like I had to have a good enough excuse to "prove" that I wasn't a total failure as a mother and that I deserved the children who were with me in the waiting room.

How absolutely ridiculous! 

It doesn't only happen with strangers or adults though. It happens with my own children. The screaming, it's aimed at them most of the time. But, it's still the same concept--prove to your children that you are worthy to be their mother. Prove that you are the boss. Be loud, be proud, and show them who is boss. 

I don't want to be just "boss", I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus as a woman, a mother, a wife. I don't have to prove to anyone that I "deserve" my life, or that I "am good enough". 

The truth is, in my flesh, I am not good enough. I can admit that. But, IN HIM I AM. In Christ, I am worthy, and that is TRUTH. 

There was a time when I was in completete denial that I was a "screamer". There was a time when I could see it in my family, and not myself. There was a time when I wanted to blame my family for "creating" this monster. 

Those are all lies. I grew up in a crazy atmosphere where screaming was accepted, yes, and there are still many close to me that believe it is acceptable to continue doing. What they believe, the way I grew up, it doesn't excuse my behavior. 

It's normal for me because of my upbringing, but I am the one that made it truth in my life. I am the one that began implementing it. Me, not them. 

So, I am the one who has to take responsiblity for it now, and surrender it. I have to, if I want to walk with Him. I can't walk with Him, and ignore this huge sin in my own life. 

I want the words that come off of my tongue to be uplifting and encouraging. I don't want to be known as the person who cannot control their emotions or their tongue. 

I have a lot of work to do; better I should say HE has a lot of work to do because I cannot find victory over this sin without Him. 

But, I'm willing to walk it out with Him. And more than that, I am willing to bring my darkness to light in an attempt to allow someone else who is struggling with this sin to see that it's okay to admit you're struggling! It's okay to say, "I don't want to be like this, but I'm having a hard time changing." Admitting and surrendering are the first steps. The next steps, they look different for each of us. He takes the next steps and He directs them. 

He guides, not us. 

If you are like me, and you struggle with this incessant need to prove your worth to people, I urge you to surrender that sin. I don't believe surrendering it means you will never struggle again. Truthfully, you could struggle for the rest of your earthly life, I truly don't know what His intentions are. But, I can tell you, that if surrendering it to Him means you are aware of it, and He can begin working, that is the first and best step you can take. 

I took it. I admit, the words that come off of my tongue when I am upset, they are unacceptable. They leave a foul taste behind; for me and my loved ones. But, that is the only step that I can take, the rest is up to Him. I may not like how long it takes, and there are some around me who may not like it, but truly, He's working on each and every one of us for some type of sin. Mine just happen to be ones that people don't like admitting they suffer from. I know many "screamers", and I can tell you that they deny they are one. 

I don't. 

I admit it, and I bring it to light. It has no power over me if I bring it to light, and never allow it to be hidden in darkness again. 

"You yourselves used to be in the darkness, but since you have become the Lord's people, you are in the light. So you must live like people who belong to the light."

Ephesians 5:8

I don't believe that living in the light means you are magically healed and never suffering anymore. I believe it simply means being willing to admit your sins, bring them out of darkness, and walk in the light, allowing Him to illuminate things that need to be changed. 

Illuminate me, Lord, use me for your glory. 

If you are struggling with screaming, I urge you to pray about it. Go to Him, and surrender it. If you are struggling with any sin, surrender it and watch as He brings darkness to light. 

You are less than only Three.