Transparent Thursday--I contemplated suicide last year

It's that time again. I'm about to miss it to be honest, but hopefully I'll get it in before the clock strikes midnight. I debated and warred with myself all day about whether I really wanted to write today. I knew what day it was, and I knew what I felt Him pressing on me to talk about--and I just didn't want to obey. 

I met a girlfriend for dinner and then we went to a suicide awareness program, and I heard it clearly--write. 

Write, Ashley, write. 

Be honest, be transparent, be real. 

So, here I am, at almost 11 p.m. on Thursday, or what I like to refer to as Transparent Thursday, finally submitting to His will and writing what is on my heart. 

Suicide. 

It's a terribly hard subject to discuss. 

It's hard on people experiencing the desire, and on those that are wondering whether someone may take that action. It's just simply hard. 

It's even more difficult to talk about than it is to understand. If we're all honest, life can be extremely dificult and at one time or another most people have had at least one thought of not wanting to not go on anymore. The desire is small, and just a passing thought in most, but it is a real thought it many at least once. Understanding can be easier sometimes; but talking about suicide, that seems to be extremely difficult for people. 

People don't use the word, people shy away from asking questions or getting invovled because the very idea that someone might kill themself seems preposterous. But, people are feeling this way. Many, many people are currently feeling this way and have struggled with feeling this way. 

I have. I have struggled greatly through various seasons of my life with the desire to not go on any longer. I have wanted to die, simply not wanted to live one more day. I have thought about it, desired it, and talked about it. I have handled myself poorly, been ashamed of what I had done, hidden the truth and various other things in order to deny that I was "the crazy one" who had struggled with suicidal thoughts. 

Last year, roughly this same time, I last struggled with the very real desire to end my life. 

We were living with my mom and sister, and as I share in the book, less than Three, our time there came with many difficulties. My sister was struggling with her own affliction, Bipolar Disorder, and I was suffering from severe depression coupled with social anxiety disorder. I felt disgusting, I felt like everyone in my life thought I was worthless, I thought my family hated me and felt they told me so, and despite the loving husband and 5 beautiful children, I heard and saw only the criticsm, only the negative talk about me, and I wanted to end the pain. I thought, "they would all be better if I was gone". 

That is not true. No one is better when they are the ones that are left by a suicide. No one is better when someone's life is taken far too soon because they found no worth in their life. 

We ALL have worth in our life, and we are all dealing with immense pain at times. Pain runs deep, and affects each and every single one of us differently. Just because one person is strong, and doesn't easily think they want to end their life, doesn't mean that the person that is struggling with the thoughts is somehow "less than" or not "worth" investing in a realtionship with. 

We need to invest in each other's life. We need to engage, and walk through this life with one another. 

I wish I had known this truth last year. I wish when I was so weak, that I contemplated slitting my wrists, that I had reached out to God first, and was filled with peace that transcends all understanding. 

But, I didn't. I didn't reach out to God, and when I did reach out to those that were in my life, I was met with very real, and unfortunate responses. Responses that I understand when I look at them through human lenses, but when I look at them through Holy Spirit lenses, I realize the responses responses made the situation more difficult to handle. 

When we hear that someone wants to die, that they are possibly suicidal, far too often we call that person selfish. Far too often we ridicule and demean the person in an attempt to get them to see how ridiculous they are being. The problem with this is--it tells the person that is struggling that the person they are opening up to, thinks they are above them. 

We need to desire to walk through life together, hand in hand, always pointing to a Man on a cross along our way. We should always point to Him, and always want to walk with each other, admitting we can all fall victim to the sin of not finding worth in our life.

I am fortunate that something within me desired to live more than the desire to die, because I could very easily have succeeded in ending my life. But, God pulled me through that last season, He lifted me off the bathroom floor as I the blood trickled down my arms, and He gave me the strength to reach out to my husband. Brian was there, he embraced me, and he promised to walk with me as I got better. He never brought it up afterwards, and when I felt shame afterwards, he only pointed out how sinful he was, but in different ways. He continuously points to that Man, upon a cross, and reminds me that I am not crazy, I am simply a troubled woman, drawing closer to a perfect God. 

My hometown has been hit recently with this very real situation, and my own family has walked this road again with another family member, and my heart simply breaks for each and every single person that is struggling with this very real sin. 

I don't mean sin as in "they are just disgusting sinners", but it is an affliction that they are dealing with, and one that overwhelms their entire mind and can seem impossible to overcome. 

But, He can deliver. And we can join in His fight to walk with His children here on earth. We can join Him; I want to, do you, friends? 

I want to admit to anyone that needs to hear it that I too have struggled with that feeling, and they can feel safe and loved enough to admit the truth if they are struggling as well. 

If you are currently struggling with suicidal thoughts, I urge you to reach out to a friend, a family member, and first and foremost, Jesus. Call out to Him, and pray that He bring someone into your life. He will answer, and He will bring help! 

If you have previously had suicidal thoughts, and know that someone is struggling but you don't want to admit that you have too, I urge you to be honest. 

If you are a survivor of suicide, I urge you to use your story to tell others of what you walked through. 

And, if you have attempted suicide or previously had thoughts of suicide, I urge you to feel NO shame, and speak out! Be a light, and draw the darkness out! 

Be well, friends, you are less than only Three. 

chemical imbalances are real and need to be talked about more

It boiled, it raged like a thousand infernos as I sat in a dark tunnel of shame fearing the crushing weight that surrounded me. I contemplated suicide. I wanted to die. I needed to end the pain I felt every day. 

It's Thursday again, which means another Transparent Thursday. What is Trasparent Thursday? Well, I feel God pressing on my heart that I need to be real and raw with people. I feel very strongly that people are suffering each and every day, and far too often they are not reaching out and receiving a warm embrace by the people in this world. I am willing to step out and admit some hard truths in my life in order to shed light on some serious issues in our world. 

Beloved comedian and actor Robin Williams died this week of an apparent suicide. My heart breaks for him, his family, and for this world. My heart truly breaks. 

I know the pain far too well, which made my heart break even more. 

I could try and explain mental illness to someone that's never experienced it. I could try and give you an account of how deep the pain goes. If I tried, I would begin by saying depression is like being engulfed in a room filled with hot, smoldering flames. If you try and breathe deeply, as to allow clean air into your body, you are overwhelmed by the sooty smoke that has overhwelmed your every crevice. 

As Ann Voskamp put it yesterday in her blog, "suicide is deciding there is no way but to jump straight out of the burning building". (Remember, I can't link things, but you can go directly to her blog by putting her name into google.)

Mental illness is greatly misunderstood, and my heart breaks on an every day basis. It's misunderstood by those that suffer, and those that don't suffer. It was misunderstood by me for far too long. 

There's this idea too often that someone can just "will" themselves to feel better. There's this idea that someone can just "find joy" or "trust in God more" or "have more faith", "pray harder", "repent". Too many of these statements are spoken to those that suffer from mental illness; I've had these spoken to me far too many times. 

Until you have walked through the engulfing flames of depression, until you have wondered whether this world would actually be a better place without your presence, you cannot possibly understand the unselfish feeling of wanting to end the pain. 

How is this unselfish? When you are enveloped my mental illness, suffering seriously from something that controls your brain, and you have no idea where your worth comes from, the most selfish thing you can think of is continuing to grace this world with your presence. You are so completely convinced that you are unworthy and this world is better off without you, that you don't for a moment question that you are being selfless by taking your life. In a moment of despair, a person suffering from depression may reach out in a way that you can only understand if you have opened it's door and walked along it's dark and gloomy path. 

I have walked that path. Many times in my life I contemplated suicide. Most recently, one year ago. 

One year ago, as I had 5 children, a loving husband, and a Savior who loved me, I contemplated whether I could live one more day with the pain I was experiencing. 

Why? I'm sure you're asking yourself that question. Why would someone who seems to have such a great life, 5 children, a loving husband, be so selfish and committ suicide? 

The answer is easy--mental illness. 

I suffer, each and everyday. This is something I am only just now embracing, and only TODAY have I been brave enough to speak the truth outloud, but I suffer from a debilitating chemical imbalance. 

The problem is, there's not a lot truly known about what happens in the brain; only a lot of assumptions. Assumptions come from those that suffer from the imbalance, and those that don't, and no one can seem to admit that the person who suffers is not some weak, pitiful person that needs "spiritual healing", but a loved and holy vessel created by God for a purpose. 

I lock my lips tight when it comes to my own mental struggles. I readily admit the things that were "done" to me, and the things I did to myself, but the weakness that lives within my brain, the true imbalance that makes day to day life hard, I don't admit that to anyone. I will happily talk about my sister and my dad's Bipolar Disorder, but talk about my own chemical imbalance, something that barely has a name, that is something I simply was not ready for. 

Last night was the first night my husband and I had an open conversation about it in almost eight years of marriage. 

He admitted that he has struggled with the same idea the world has; that one day I will just be better. He has waited, and prayed, and waited more, for God to relieve me of this "sin" he saw residing within me. He admitted to hating the instability that would come out of me. He admitted that for the majority of our relationship, he has been hoping that this piece of me that caused so much "ugly" would just dissapear. He admitted he didn't love me through those moments. 

Yes, he loved me, greatly. I have a truly amazing husband. But, love me through those tough moments of instability, that is something he has never been able to do. 

Until last night. Last night, my sweet and adoring husband loved me just as a I am, imperfections and all. He took the worst part of me, and instead of screaming at me about how "crazy" I am, or "selfish" I am being, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in tightly. 

He spoke some very tender words, but the most amazing thing he did was simply embrace me. 

I have never been embraced in this physical world despite my sufferings. I have not had many intereactions with real human beings that wrap their arms around me and despite my imperfections tell me that I am a holy and loved woman, set in this world for a purpose. 

Jesus has spoken these truths to me many times in the past few months, but not a real human. My husband stepped into the hands and feet of Jesus in this earthly plain. He embraced the role God chose him as, my leader and helper, and he gave me exactly what I needed--acceptance. 

That's what we need more of in this world. We need to wrap our arms around one another and love each other despite the many great and deep personal trials people are walking through. 

I always believed my problem was spiritual, that if I just believed something more strongly or obeyed just a little more, God would one day miraculously heal me. I prayed prayer after prayer that He just relieve me of this thorn. 

I shared openly in my book, less than Three, about how much I suffer from panic attacks, but I still didn't see how deep my own mental illness runs. I believed even just a few months ago while writing that many of my problems were from this world, circumstances placed on me. 

I know now, my brain is the problem. I have a brain, that for 30 years has endured so much violence, so much pain, it has taken on disturbing and unhealthy ways of coping. My brain is imbalanced because of sin, not because of one particular thing that happened to me. 

I accept that. I wrote it over and over again in my book, but yet I still couldn't speak the words. 

I suffer greatly from a chemical imbalance that affects the way I process this world and how I in turn react to this world. 

Can I be healed? Oh, yes, He is a good God and a strong God. 

Will I be healed, I hope not. 

Yes, you read that correctly. 

I hope not. 

I hope, that until the day He takes me home, I suffer from this pain in my side, this debilitating weakness because it has shown me how much greater He is than I am, and how much I want to love a world that is suffering greatly. 

Grace is poured out over my body and my mind each and every day, and I hope to extend that same grace to the people around me; even if they don't extend the same grace to me. 

It's truly difficult for people who don't suffer from something they have no control over to understand the instability. But, that doesn't make it okay to judge or make assumptions. It doesn't make it okay to tell someone they need to be stronger, or that they are being punished and under some spiritual attack. That is not helpful or of Him. 

I urge you dear, friends, to begin being honest about mental illness if you suffer. Be honest with yourself, with your friends and family, and with a doctor if you need to. But, first, be honest with Him. Admit that you suffer, and that it is okay. Admit that within this world, you are less, but only less than Three, never anything else. Admit that you cannot walk without His strength, and then walk in His strength. Admit that just because you are completely walking in His strength, doesn't mean you will not, possibly every day, suffer from something you cannot control. 

If you do not suffer, and have no idea about what goes on within the mind of someone that suffers, please do not assume that you do. Just because you can process things the way you are "supposed to" or because you have a clear mind focused on what you perceive to be "truth", doesn't actually make you right and the person that suffers wrong. A person that suffers is not "less than" anyone in this world. A person that doesn't suffer from a mental impairment has their own battles and trials they will have to walk through and endure, and I wish this world would see that sometimes their trial is truly learning to love someone they see as "weak" or "less than" because they will draw the unsuffering person closer to Jesus as well.

That's what we all need to do. I do it through my sufferings now. Today, as I sit here tapping away at my wireless keyboard attached to an iPad that is probably on it's last weeks, I know how deeply and severely I suffer every day, and I have the privilege of leaning into Someone greater than me all day as I walk with this thorn--I rejoice with this thorn. 

I suffer greatly every day, and I can say that to a world that needs to hear it. I am not ashamed of my weakness, I am however ashamed that I have not loved myself and others despite the mental impairment that may reside within. But, I release that shame, and step into grace--grace for myself and grace for others. 

Will you do the same, friend? 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9

Transparent Thursday--sexual intimacy

As I've been walking this new path with Christ, I've asked Him on numerous occassions what in the world He possibly thinks He is doing--how absolutely ridiculous that I would question my Creator after all that He has already revealed to me. I know it is ridiculous, yet I still ask Him. 

It's weird to me. 

I'm sure it is to you as well, friend. I'm sure at some point you have looked up to Him as I have and said, "what could you possibly be thinking?" 

I think the question initially is okay, not a sin really. But, letting that question move to angst or worry, allowing it to trickle lies in our hearts, that is a sin for sure, I believe. And it is one that I fall victim to far too often. 

As I'm walking closer and closer with Him, I keep asking Him and then myself what He is doing. The things that He is revealing to me, the path He seems to have me on, it's so foreign to me. It's completely honest and open, unhindered and unashamed of the gospel. 

Releasing the book, less than Three (I cannot put links or anything in my posts because I only post from my tablet as of right now and I cannot figure out how to do all of that...yet) was scary. I admitted things, revealed things, said things that I knew were going to hurt me and others. I knew that someone could use my words and twist them into something they weren't meant to be. I knew that someone may be hurt by the story that I believed God wanted me to share, because it involved them. 

I felt for the first time in my life, that obedience to Christ was my only option, and I still had to reveal all that He meant for me to. I felt stronger than I have ever felt in my life that God wanted to do something and that He would stretch me and teach me along the way; I simply needed to obey. 

So I did. 

And we are a month out of releasing the book, and into the stages of walking in the truth that He revealed--a process that has been grueling in and of itself. 

Walking in the truth that He showed me has been just as difficult as hearing the truth.

This morning was evident of that in my life. This morning my gingerman and I got into a tuffle, and it was by no means anything he did and everything I did. 

I contemplated writing all day, and knew without a doubt that when I finally obeyed and sat down to write, He would take me to scary territory. 

He has proven faithful, yet again. 

I am writing about a topic that is so very scary, but one that I know He wants me to discuss. 

Relational intimacy. 

Intimacy with your spouse (I say spouse loosely, for I am not naive enough to believe that every person is married and has a spouse) is extremely important and vital to any thriving relationship. 

And let's be honest, who wants to be in a relationship that isn't thriving? 

I can't imagine anyone who would happily settle for mundane and dull. 

We all want to thrive, however we all get into places where thriving is truly the least of our desires. 

I used to have no desire for my husband. Sure, we have four kids, but not because we were intimate every day by any means. We have gone through terrible spells where I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with him for weeks. 

I was terribly sad a few years ago when I opened up to a Christian friend about my intimacy problems. I needed encouragement very badly. I needed someone to help me figure out where my sexual confusion was coming from. 

I didn't think I received anything from her. God is showing me today though, that I may not have agreed with what she had to say to me, but I believe very much that God desires for us to be intimate with one another when we are fulfililng His laws, and within those confines He desperately wants us to experience intimacy. 

Intimacy can be difficult for me sometimes. I crave it, but I have never been truly able to allow myself to be vulnerable and intimate with someone--believing instead that I was created primarily to give sexual pleasures to men and in turn hating them for it. 

God is releasing me from this burden, this weight, and He is carrying it as far as the east is from the west. 

He is revealing to me that a relationship cannot thrive without true sexual intimacy; where two people are being truly vulnerable with one another. 

This morning, as I snapped at my dear gingerman, I realized it had been a few days since we had been intimate, not weeks but mere days, and we needed that connection to come back together. The desire I wanted from him, to feel needed, that desire that I believed he couldn't give me, God wants me to experience that, and sometimes it comes in the form of intmacy with my husband. 

There is no greater connection between two human beings than sexual intimacy. It can either bring two people as close as God ever meant for two people to be, or it can cause such terrible confusion that destruction ensues. 

I am tired of the destrcution that has ensued in my life because of the confusion. I want to thrive in a healthy relationship with my husband, being intimate and connected on the level that God meant us to be. I don't want to listen to the world, or even my own confusion, I want to listen to God. 

God doesn't tell us to hate intimacy. God doesn't warn us to not be intimate. He simply urges us to do it within certain confines. 

Why? I believe because within His true and good confines, we can experience a level of intimacy with God that cannot be experience any other way. 

Song of Solomon 7:6-10  reveals that there is something good and desirable within intimacy, the question is do we desire intimacy?

Intimacy means going to God first, and saying I need you to fill me. Intimacy is going to God and asking Him to fill us when we cannot be filled within this world, so that we can in turn be filled by our spouses. 

It's a beautiful and breathtaking process. 

Why did I write about this weird topic today? For encouragement. 

I want to encourage you friend, if you are experiencing a time of sexual confusion, not being intimte with the one you love, I urge you to draw close to God. Allow God to reveal truth about your situation so that you can experience all that He desires for you with your spouse. 

Experience intimacy and watch as it enhances every relationship in your life. Experience intimacy with the one you love, and watch it fill the deepest voids in your life--experience intimacy outside of what God meant, and watch as destruction may creep in. 

And remember, you are less than only Three. 

We can't, but He can

(my blogs are written on an iPad, without spell check) 

I remember going home the weekend after I was raped in college. 

My best friend from highschool came to visit and I went home with her after her visit. Understandably I'm sure, I wasn't a good host that weekend. The car ride home I just sat in the passenger seat, atop the pillow under my traumatized buttocks, and slept. I slept the majority of the ride home, causing her to miss our exit and having to take a longer route home. She was a trooper, though, and never complained. 

Getting home to my mom, was the medicine I thought I needed. At that time in my life, I relied very heavily on my mom for everything. I called her at any moment, at any hour, to assist in whatever crisis I was facing while away at college. After being raped and sodomized, being with her was all I wanted; I craved her embrace. I craved her words. I craved her love. 

I did not, however, crave our God. I did not crave an embrace from Him. 

Truth be told, at that time, an embrace from Him was the last thing I wanted because I truly believed that he was punishing me for my past sins. 

Have you ever felt this way, friend; as if God was punishing you for something you had done in your past? Let me be a voice of truth--He is most assuredly not punishing you. I cannot say that you are not walking through a terrible consequence of sin (on a world level, not your particular sin), but I can assure you more than anything that He loves you and His embrace will be enough strength to walk you through whatever you're facing or have faced. 

When I got home that weekend, and saw my mom, I thought I had everything I needed. I didn't look to God. I didn't look inside; I simply looked to my mom to heal me. I'm not sure what I thought exactly that she would do, but I know that I thought she had some thing she would say that would make me feel all better. 

And, the words that the enemy wanted me to hear, the words that I longed to hear from my mom, were spoken by her, and every person after my rape. My family, who we lived with at the time, went out of their way to try and encourage me while I was home, and this particular statement was used many times. 

Have you ever walked through a difficult season, and had people encourage you with this statement, "It's okay, God won't give you more than you can handle"?

I have. I have used it. I have felt it. I have prayed it. 

I believed it very much after I was raped in college. 

"God will not give you more than you can handle, Ashley. You can handle this. Think of all you've already been through. You got this. Come on. Just push through with God and you can do it."

Now, let me say, all of those words are really good. I know they are well intentioned. I know the heart that speaks them because I too have spoken them and felt so strongly about them. 

But, I think maybe we have the wrong idea of what this life is supposed to be like. I think we're all doing just what the enemy wants and trying to handle things on our own because we think "we must be able to handle this because God has given it to me". 

There is no way God equips anyone with the ability to get through a rape or sodomy on their own. There is no way God equips anyone with the ability to get over any traumatic event such as rape on their own. 

That's wrong. God gives us things not because WE can handle them, but because we CANNOT HANDLE THEM. 

What happens when we cannot handle something? We either try harder, breaking ourselves typically in the process. We look to someone else to motivate us, or to someone else to simply do it for us if we can't. And I think we often pray, "Oh God, why can't I handle this?" 

How often are we actually saying, "I cannot handle this at all, I need God to handle this"? 

I defintely did not say it all of those years ago. I believed when I would be told that God would not give me more than I could handle, that I was somehow expected to be able to handle the situation simply because God had allowed it in my life. 

What a lie from the enemy if we really think about it. 

He wants us thinking that God only gives us what we can handle. He wants us thinking that we can handle all of the things given to us and that if we just perservere we will be able to handle everything without trouble. 

Of course he wants us thinking this. Because, once we fail, and believe me, we will fail when we try on our own strength to get through anything, we don't go to God because we have this idea that He is the one who has given us just what we can handle. We simply have to be able to handle it. 

My rape wasn't the only time this statement was spoken to me. It's still spoken to me every time I admit a bad day, or a depressive moment. There's always the, "You'll be okay, remember, God doesn't give us more than we can handle." 

This statement was most recently spoken to me after a loved one tried to commit suicide. Our family was reeling; our family was traumatized; our family was breaking. And there was this anger towards my family member, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle, why can't she handle life".

God showed me the error in my thinking when I walked through that season a few months ago. 

After their attempt, I realized how badly we can be broken, sometimes by Him to bring us to Him (that's for another blog for sure) and how much we think we can handle our life all on our own. 

We are SO WRONG. 

I was so wrong my entire life. He defintely gives us more than we can handle. He absolutely allows us to walk through treacherous storms that are meant to break us down to our very core--HIM. He is our core. 

He is our foundation. 

I'm glad He broke me down to that foundation and gave me more than I could handle; because now I get to rebuild on solid ground--Him. 

What do you think of this statement, friend? Do you think God gives us only what we can handle, or do you think we are given far more than we can, in an attempt to draw us to His strength as opposed to our own? 

Sponges-what will you soak in?

As I did my Bible study yesterday, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness to have eyes that SEE so clearly now. 

Oh for the scales that used to cover my eyes. 

Oh for the shackles that used to hold me down. 

Not anymore, though. Not anymore indeed!

No, now I see with eyes wide open, and shackles that have been unlocked. 

Today, and yesterday, I can stand on the truth that He reveals--He is my strength and my shield and He will never fail me. 

As I read yesterday, in Kasey Norman's Bible study, Named by God, I read a list of sins that we as humans deal with--characteristics that we can possess, traits we can exhibit.

The list was intense, and out of 28 traits, I have only been free from 2 of them. The other 26, I personally watched my family struggle with, or I, myself personally had to deal with. 

A few of those characteristics include: adultery, alcoholism, anger, anxiety, depression, divorce, substance abuse, gossip, greed, sexual abuse, and these are just a few; but I think you get my point. These are not positive characteristics that I want to exhibit. These are not good things. 

One thing Kasey points out is that we are all sinners at the time of our conception--something I too touch on in my book, less than Three. We are all broken, not because of some thing we went through of some affliction we are dealing with. We are all broken because through one mans sin the world became sinful. 

I became sinful. 

We became sinful. 

I didn't do something wrong that separted me from God, I was simply separated from Him because of sin. 

Some of the traits and characteristics I listed, sins in other words, were passed down through generations to me. 

I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the father upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected--even children in the third and fourth generation. 

Exodus 34:7

There are sins that I am dealing with, that He can be victorious over, that were directly passed down to me through the generations. There are sins that are still being passed down through the generations and I want to stop that curse. 

I want to stop this generational curse for my children and for their children. I want the hope of turning back to Him and living right and justly. 

As a child, I was like a sponge, soaking in absolutely everything around me--positive or negative. I won't wallow in self-pity and pretend like I didn't gain any positive traits from the generations before me, or from the family God gave me in this generation. I have some extremely positive characteristics because of the generations as well. 

Unfortunately, the negative outweigh the positive. 

Unfortunately, it seems that the majority of what I was soaking in, allowing to seep into my fibers, were sinful and negative, and they aided in keeping me from experiencing a life-breathing relationship with Jesus. 

The soaking sponge, made me think of my own children--what am I passing down to them? What are they soaking in, and allowing to affect their every fiber. 

I know my screaming and yelling is still a problem. I know, without a doubt, that this is the sin that He will conquer next in my life, and I know that I can stop this generational curse that still affects so many of my family still today. 

I know I can overcome this sin because I know without a doubt that all things are possible through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). I can stop screaming, I can find peace when the anger boils to the maximum levels that require explosion--He will conquer that explosion. 

I look at my sweet children's faces, and I remember myself as a child. I remember the fear that would fester when I would upset my family and they would lash out at me. I remember the anger that would boil as I would want to lash back at them. The perpetual cycle continued, and the generations continued. 

Not anymore. 

I want my children to be filled and soaked in grace. I want my children to be filled and soaked in encouragement, not discouragement, and boy am I a discourager sometimes. 

What did you soak in growing up, friend? What are you allowing those around you to soak in and be filled with now? 

I used to be filled with UGLY, just plain ugly! Meanness, anger, anxiety, fear; oh the list could go on and on. I encourage you, friend, to evaluate what you have be soaking in today, and if it is negative, surrender it to Him. 

Embrace all of who He made you

                                       

I'm a routine girl, yet I like to convince myself I'm not. I lie to myself however! I don't want to be the boring girl who does the same thing every day; but the truth is, I like to expect the same routine every day. I like to know what my day will look like and how it will unfold. I dislike change or spontaeity. 

God is changing this, little by little. 

He is molding a new heart, a more restful heart that is accepting change, and desiring organization. 

He is refining the desires of my heart and He is giving me exactly what I am desiring. 

I think my anxiety of change is similar to many people's, but mine came for reasons associated with my life. It's hard to look at each other's lives and not compare, judge. I do that so often. I look at other people's lives and wonder why they're so much better, how they can do so much more than me, and I feel defeated. I never consider what that person may have gone through themselves that may have assisted in that trait I admire so greatly. I seldom think about someone else's life when I am comparing myself to them; rather seeing only the good and positive things of their life--jealousy in all truthfulness. 

He's changing this. He's showing me as I scroll through Pinterest, IG, FB, ect., that the things I admire in others, such as organization skills or business brain, are gifts that God is instilling in them, NOT that person in and of themselves. 

I look to other people and see what I want, instead of looking to Him and appreciating the gifts He has given me already, and asking Him to continue blessing me with more. Instead, I see the orgnized mom on my newsfeed and have caught myself praying, "Lord, make me more like so and so, they seem to be doing such a better job of handling life and you than I am." 

Really, gingermom? Really? 

Why don't I appreciate the gifts He's given me, and instead look to my peers and wish I had something they possess. 

"You shall not covet your neighbor's house, your neighbors wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's."

                                                    Exodus 20:17

I think it's easy sometimes to not even think about that scripture when we are scrolling through our newsfeeds and seeing something that someone else has; and that includes character and personality traits. 

I've found myself recently desiring to be or oganized; which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. But, a sin creeps in when I see friends who I perceive to "have it all together" and think they are somehow a better version of who God wants ME to be. 

That is simply silly. 

God wants me to be who He created ME to be; not who He created my friends to be. He created each of us with unique and different interests, and the fun thing is when those interests point to Him. 

Imagine a world where people lived fun, thrilling, beautiful lives and they all pointed to only HIM. Oh what a world that would be. Artists, writers, actors, government officials, athletes, mom, dads, business owners....simply every single person pointed to God in their strengths. Oh it sounds magnificent to me. 

It's not real, obviously, but we can start enjoying that here in this time! That is what God wants for us. 

He wants us to embrace the great, good and perfect life He has waiting for us in heaven. He wants to start filling us with those promises here. It's only a small taste, but we can taste it here. 

And oh, I want to taste it. 

But, I want to taste mine more than I want to taste someone else's. I want to take the fruit that He gives me and enjoy it for nourishment; not covet the fruit of my friends. 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

                                                  Psalm 37:4

He changes our hearts to what points to Him and then He greatly and abundantly blesses us. We don't often notice our blessings because we are so busy looking at what we want that someone else possesses. 

For me, I've greatly desired to become more organized. I know without doubt that God is laying huge things on my heart to do and I cannot fathom doing any of them with as scatter-brained and unorganized as I am and my desk/area are. I've prayed incessantly that He just "make me more organized, you know, like so and so, they seem to grasp something I'm not graspping regarding organization". 

And BAM, today, I don't hear a whisper, I hear a full-blown scream that He has already given me what I need, I am just not leaning into Him; instead I'm desiring the strength that someone else has. 

Oh, that was a sobering moment. 

But, I needed it. 

I heard Him, too. 

I can do what He has laid on my heart to do in the near future, with or without stellar organization skills. Yes, those skills would benefit me, but He benefits me much more. I must wait for Him to instill some type of orginzation in me without wanting to be someone else in the process. Anything I do, it needs to point to Him. 

I want everything to point to Him. Why would I want to gain the trait of someone else when that trait wasn't specifically chosen for my life as good by a righteous and holy God? 

I don't. I want to live for Him. I want to live well for HIm. I don't want to just strive to live a mundane copy-cat life; I want to live to thrive in Him. I can only do that with the traits and gifts that He has blessed me personally with. 

Are you doing anything similar, friend? Are you looking at your friends, your newsfeeds, and wondering why someone else has some gift that you wish you had? 

Stop.

Rest in Him. 

Let Him change your heart and give you the desires of the new one. 

Be blessed. 

You are less than only Three. 

Some days are just tough

Days like today are long. Really, really long. 

Miss. Princess woke in the middle of the night and had an accident, prompting new sheets and pj's, then accidentally waking brother. So, a bottle for brother and back to bed we all go, and when I finally woke from my sleepy slumber, I just couldn't quite put my head on right. 

I arise, do my devotional which is starting to uplift my spirits, when gingerman comes and says he's leaving for work. Something happens. 

Panic. 

No, not yet, I'm not done my devotional time yet (shriek).

No worries though, gingerman offers to give me 15 more minutes, at which I praise God for the wonderful man I have standing beside me. 

But, still I can't seem to put my head on quite right. 

Breakfast for the littles who are slowly waking, and wait for my mommy to call and say she's on her way to pick up the twinadoes as they are referred to around here (they're sweet girls and we love them dearly, don't worry), only that phone call goes differently than I expected. 

As in, she's coming tomorrow to get them (I babysit my twin nieces every week for 2-3 days depending on how many days in a row my mom has to work the midnight shift). 

Oh, sad face. 

My head is officially not on right at all today. 

We muddle through our morning, with NO SCREAMING mind you, which we all know is a huge feat. 

School gets done.

Lunch gets served. 

A nap gets taken (not me, oh how I wish it was me).

And quiet time begins, sort of. 

There is a house of 6 awake and active children desperately fighting a quiet time request. 

Still no screaming. 

No head on still, yet I have not screamed. 

I re-evaluate. 

Maybe I do have a head on straight. 

Maybe today is just a hard day, and that is okay. Maybe it has nothing to do with my limitations and everything to do with just life, and that is okay. 

Yep, that's what it is. 

I can rest in Him. 

I can draw closer to Him. 

I can lean into Him. 

There are just tough days! 

Are you feeling this way today, friend? Do you just not feel quite right, the day just seems to be overwhelming? 

Rest in Him. 

You are limited by this world, but He is limited by nothing. 

Rest in Him. 

Draw closer to Him. 

Excerpt #2 <3 less than Three

Every part of my mind told me I couldn't handle what I was getting into and that I needed to run. Every fiber of my being told me I was unworthy of this man and that he would break my heart because of my unworthiness. 

As I look back on those years, I think I subconsciously wanted to make Ian feel less than me, so that I could finally feel like I was worthy. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of him, not that he was worthy of me. I wanted to feel valuable, and in turn I think I tried to make him feel less valuable. I was passionately in love with him, but terribly shaken with fear of losing him. 

Ian was dealing with his own inner demons, which is part of his testimony to share and I can't, but I began doing a lot of damage to Ian during those first years of our relationship and the damage is still being seen today in our very healthy marriage. 

I want to take a lot of blame for what happened during those years because I know now just exactly what I was doing, but the reality is that I wasn't necessarily even the one doing the damage to Ian. The enemy was prevalent in our lives like a roaring lion and he sought one thing; our destruction. The enemy wanted very much to make both Ian and I feel unworthy, and he succeeded. He used us against each other unfortunately , but that is what he does. He is cunning, he is slick, and he is successful.  

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

1 Peter 5:8

When Ian would make a mistake, I would blow it so out of proportion to make myself feel better, because I was tired of feeling bad. I used Ian to make myself feel better. It seemed like as soon as we met, his drinking became so prevalent that I was able to focus entirely on his "problems" and not mine anymore. Fixing Ian, and making Ian better, became my goal. I wanted to change him. I wanted to make him more acceptable to me, and then I would work on myself. 

Very soon after we moved to Arizona, I felt a tug on my heart to get to know God better. I wanted to talk to Ian about him. I wanted to hear from Him. I would call out to Him often. But, I never felt like I was hearing Him say anything back to me because I thought He was waiting on me to change. I kept telling myself that if Ian would just change, then I would be able to change. If Ian would just do this, or if Ian would just help me in this way, then I will be able to handle this all better and be able to finally change. 

I wanted to change. 

I wanted to be free of my fear, my anxiety, my depression. I wanted to wake up and feel happy; not run down and tired. I wanted to have enthusiasm for things;, the way it seemed like other people did. I wanted to feel something, anything, besides downright unworthiness. 

I felt unworthy when I went to the grocery store. I felt unworthy when I was at work with coworkers. I felt unworthy when I was talking to my family. 

And I felt most unworthy when I was with Ian. I loved him so much, and knew I was not worthy of someone loving me back. 

Excerpt from <3 less than Three

<3 less than Three 

Once I stopped cowering over in fear of what other's believed about me, once I truly became the woman who stood upright as I had always said I was, and secretly hoped to be, I was able to see everything differently. 

Before then, I saw things from the ground up. I saw things from the perception of others, from the world, from the ground. I saw the floor, shoes, dirt and heard only the voices of others that were coming down at me. 

I had this idea that I wanted to walk upright. I had this vision of walking upright. I named my ministry Women Walking Upright for a reason. I wanted to be that woman. But, I hadn't been. 

I was hunched over like the woman in the synagogue in the book of Luke and I couldn't stand up straight. For my whole life, I stared at the ground, thinking I was completely unworthy of my life. I didn't think it mattered how I lived, because I was trash anyways. I could be stepped on. I could be spit on. It didn't matter. 

I focused on my fruits, on how spoiled and rotten they were. I knew there was something completely wrong with me, and I wanted it fixed, but I was never truly willing to express just how rotten I felt. I believed if I could put a bandaid on it and go through a healing prayer, I'd be healed and never again have to deal with my terrible afflictions. I believed if I could just follow enough rules and laws, I would one day prove that I was worthy of His amazing sacrifice. I couldn't understand how if Jesus knew us so intimately and knew us before we were born, then why He ever died for me? It had to be because I was expected to clean up, right?

But, when I lifted my eyes up, and saw Jesus, I couldn't resist standing up straight. I couldnt resist reaching my hands up to the sky; not out of routine or practice but out of a need to embrace the root in which my life was grounded in--Jesus Christ. 

When I wasn't embarrased to embrace Jesus, I was free to live in truth. When I wasn't overtaken with guilt, I was free to call out to Him. When I was free to be who He called me to be, no longer bound by my need to feel worthy to the world, I was free to experience the life He set forth for me. 

And what a life He had waiting for me. 

Are you placing people into sin boxes

My heart was heavy throughout the night. I woke many times, and should have risen and written then, that would have been obedient. I admit I was not obedient. I'm not sure if it was my fear to write this, or my desire to just sleep through the night because Keegan seemed to be sleepinig for the first time in weeks, but I could not pull myself together to write. So, I simply prayed each time I woke, and as I rose this morning, my heart was so heavy I knew I simply had to do what I was being promted to do. 

Write. 

Express myself. 

Try and reach a broken world. 

I read an article yesterday that I posted on my facebook wall. And as all controversial articles go, this one brought in just as many mixed opinions and emotions as any. The article was written for Fox News, and it featured a blog post that a young lady wrote regarding her experience at a homeschool prom. The young lady, Clare, was asked to leave the prom early because her dancing and dress were leading the men and boys to have impure thoughts.           

Her experience no matter whether you can see that she was hurt was traumatizing, whether it be what happened at the prom or what happened afterwards, but it will inevitably have an impact on her life forever. I believe that is always God's intention when He allows something to enter our life. We cannot ever say with real certaintiy what someone's "lesson" was supposed to be. And I see that a lot. I saw that a lot yesterday. I saw many people choosing 1 of 2 sides--hers or the adults at the prom. If they chose the adults, I believe it was primarily because they believed this girl needed a "lesson" in modesty", a "lesson" in respect, a "lesson" in whatever. And I feel the same way, in my human form. I feel the same way a lot of times with a lof of situations. But I really believe that is wrong. I am wrong when I believe it is my job to "teach someone a lesson". I am wrong when I believe I should point out the lesson I believe God is trying to teach them. Why? Because it's a personal lesson for that person, and for every other person that that person is involved with and it is a lesson that will change and grow with time and maturity and new experiences. 

We ARE ALL BROKEN, when we start looking at peole's lives as "more broken" or "hopeless cause" when we begin saying I cannot associate with you because you're "inappropriate", we completely drop the love of Jesus Christ and we put on a heart of judgement. We cannot look at peoples situations, actions and behaviors and pick them apart, we have to look at a deeper and more foundational problem--the hearts of people. That's what we have to evaluate, pick apart. Each of our hearts. But we can't just sperate ourselves from every person that makes us "uncomfortable".

This girl needs to absolutely evaluate her heart. Why did she feel so "sexy" in that dress? Is it okay to feel "sexy" at that age? These are questions we should ponder, pray over, but they are not questions we should bombard her with. They are questions that will isolate her, shun her, make her feel like she is unworthy. They will make others feel unworhty as they may be walking through something similar or previously walked through. The thing is, our situations affect us greatly, deeply, profoundly and FOR A LONG TIME. 

If you cannot truly step back and see that, then your heart really needs to be primed for loving. And I am sorry to say that if someone take's personal offense, as if I am personally attacking you. I am not. But, I do believe without a doubt that if we cannot look at the log in our own eye but are very easily able to point out the speck in someone else's, we are not bringing people to Christ.

No, instead, what we are doing is placing people in "sin boxes". "You're a sinner, You're a sinner, You're a sinner" and we place them into a box. We then take it as our job as the "more mature Christian" to begin disciplining this sinner in the box. We just have to get them on the right track, get them right with Jesus. And we do it with "the best of intentions", "seeking to bring people to Jesus" but what we are really doing is pushing people further and further away from us and in turn further and further away from Him. 

You see, we need to roll up our sleeves and be willing to walk through life with people we may deem "unworthy", people that "make us uncomfortable," and that is hard. Hands down, without question, hard. 

But, it's a commission. How are we supposed to bring hearts to Jesus if we do not walk through life with hearts? Why are we so quick to believe our "job" is to exhort the truth, when maybe our "job" is simply to have relationships with people we think are "inappropriate", "less than", "disrespecful", "just not getting it". 

Have you ever thought that? "They just don't get it". I have. And I am confident that I am not the only one. It's easy to look at someone's life and say you just don't get it. But, can we look at our own? Can we look at our life and say, "maybe I'm missing something", "maybe I need to love more", "maybe I'm not loving them really but trying to change them". 

God changes hearts. I'm sure this will be an endless argument, but it's not our responsibility to change anyone. It's our responsiblity, our calling, our commandment, to LOVE. That is it. 

You will find a ton of Scripture stating this that and another about pointing out to people what their sin is, how they can change. You'll find examples in the New Testatment and Old Testamtent. 

But, what do we find when we look at Jesus' llife? 

Truly, sit down and look at only His mission, His time on Earth. 

You see a lot of people that believed they were "getting it", a lot of people that believed they had the right to point fingers and judge, and then you had a man, a single Man, stand up and say, this person is SPECIAL, WORHTY, ENOUGH FOR ME TO DIE FOR RIGHT HERE IN THEIR SIN. 

You had a single Man say, "Thee without sin, cast the first stone". John 8:7

That verse has arisen some great debate through the centuries hasn't it. 

We cannot throw that stone, because we are with sin. But, He can. He was without it, and guess what my friends, He never did. 

Not when He met the adulterous woman, not when He met the prostitute, not when He healed the mentally ill.

He never discussed how sinful and broken they were. He never pointed out how awful and disgusting their actions were. Nope, He looked right at their heart and He began transforming it. 

That's what He does. And He wants to do it with us too. I think sometimes we believe, truly believe, that once we accept Jesus we're so healed and so new and never will sin again. 

That's wrong. 

I've even heard it taught that the lesson to be learned from Jesus' ministry with the prostitute is that she "sin no more", but I believe that's not the lesson ever to learn. We can never "sin no more". That is to be reached only in heaven. 

If you think you've reached that place, I would very seriously caution you to pray about whether your heart needs molding. If your heart no longer needs molding because you've reached the ultimate "sin no more" level, then the sacrifice of Jesus was never needed and that is competely not true. No, the truth is that our hearts always need molding. 

We learn more by walking through life with broken people than we can ever hope to learn by even walking through our own paths. 

We build realtionships with people and in turn we grow closer to Jesus. 

It should be beautiful.

Instead, we keep pulling ourselves away from people because we dont think they are good enough, when we should think we are all not good enough for Him, but praise God that He chose to love us anyways. 

This story about Clare and her prom is only a small window into a much bigger issue taking place right now while I type this--and that is shunning people that make us uncomfrotable and blaming them for our sinful hearts. 

We have got to begin truly working on our own hearts, so that we can more effectively touch the hearts of others. 

We have to walk through life with those people first--the people at the prom would have had to walk through life with Clare. They cannot blame Clare for the hearts of those men and boys, those men and boys need to work on their hearts with God so that they can be in a room with a woman who may not behave appropriately, and they can keep their eyes focused on Him. ANd if they cannot, it's because their heart is in need of changing still, not hers. If we blame her, we begin a slippery slope of excusing the actions of people. 

If you say "Clare deserved to be thrown out because of her dress and behavior," then you also say, "that girl who was raped and wearing a tube top and mini skirt deserved it because she should have been more moedest" or "if that boy would be less awkward, the bullies wouldn't pick on him so badly," or "I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me so angry" "if your face wasn't so ugly, I wouldn't make fun of you". See how completely ridiculous that last statement is. Well, they all seem ridiculous to me! Because it's people excusing their judgements, bad behavior and criticism because someone else "deserved it" . 

It's wrong.