Excerpt #2 <3 less than Three

Every part of my mind told me I couldn't handle what I was getting into and that I needed to run. Every fiber of my being told me I was unworthy of this man and that he would break my heart because of my unworthiness. 

As I look back on those years, I think I subconsciously wanted to make Ian feel less than me, so that I could finally feel like I was worthy. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of him, not that he was worthy of me. I wanted to feel valuable, and in turn I think I tried to make him feel less valuable. I was passionately in love with him, but terribly shaken with fear of losing him. 

Ian was dealing with his own inner demons, which is part of his testimony to share and I can't, but I began doing a lot of damage to Ian during those first years of our relationship and the damage is still being seen today in our very healthy marriage. 

I want to take a lot of blame for what happened during those years because I know now just exactly what I was doing, but the reality is that I wasn't necessarily even the one doing the damage to Ian. The enemy was prevalent in our lives like a roaring lion and he sought one thing; our destruction. The enemy wanted very much to make both Ian and I feel unworthy, and he succeeded. He used us against each other unfortunately , but that is what he does. He is cunning, he is slick, and he is successful.  

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

1 Peter 5:8

When Ian would make a mistake, I would blow it so out of proportion to make myself feel better, because I was tired of feeling bad. I used Ian to make myself feel better. It seemed like as soon as we met, his drinking became so prevalent that I was able to focus entirely on his "problems" and not mine anymore. Fixing Ian, and making Ian better, became my goal. I wanted to change him. I wanted to make him more acceptable to me, and then I would work on myself. 

Very soon after we moved to Arizona, I felt a tug on my heart to get to know God better. I wanted to talk to Ian about him. I wanted to hear from Him. I would call out to Him often. But, I never felt like I was hearing Him say anything back to me because I thought He was waiting on me to change. I kept telling myself that if Ian would just change, then I would be able to change. If Ian would just do this, or if Ian would just help me in this way, then I will be able to handle this all better and be able to finally change. 

I wanted to change. 

I wanted to be free of my fear, my anxiety, my depression. I wanted to wake up and feel happy; not run down and tired. I wanted to have enthusiasm for things;, the way it seemed like other people did. I wanted to feel something, anything, besides downright unworthiness. 

I felt unworthy when I went to the grocery store. I felt unworthy when I was at work with coworkers. I felt unworthy when I was talking to my family. 

And I felt most unworthy when I was with Ian. I loved him so much, and knew I was not worthy of someone loving me back. 

Excerpt from <3 less than Three

<3 less than Three 

Once I stopped cowering over in fear of what other's believed about me, once I truly became the woman who stood upright as I had always said I was, and secretly hoped to be, I was able to see everything differently. 

Before then, I saw things from the ground up. I saw things from the perception of others, from the world, from the ground. I saw the floor, shoes, dirt and heard only the voices of others that were coming down at me. 

I had this idea that I wanted to walk upright. I had this vision of walking upright. I named my ministry Women Walking Upright for a reason. I wanted to be that woman. But, I hadn't been. 

I was hunched over like the woman in the synagogue in the book of Luke and I couldn't stand up straight. For my whole life, I stared at the ground, thinking I was completely unworthy of my life. I didn't think it mattered how I lived, because I was trash anyways. I could be stepped on. I could be spit on. It didn't matter. 

I focused on my fruits, on how spoiled and rotten they were. I knew there was something completely wrong with me, and I wanted it fixed, but I was never truly willing to express just how rotten I felt. I believed if I could put a bandaid on it and go through a healing prayer, I'd be healed and never again have to deal with my terrible afflictions. I believed if I could just follow enough rules and laws, I would one day prove that I was worthy of His amazing sacrifice. I couldn't understand how if Jesus knew us so intimately and knew us before we were born, then why He ever died for me? It had to be because I was expected to clean up, right?

But, when I lifted my eyes up, and saw Jesus, I couldn't resist standing up straight. I couldnt resist reaching my hands up to the sky; not out of routine or practice but out of a need to embrace the root in which my life was grounded in--Jesus Christ. 

When I wasn't embarrased to embrace Jesus, I was free to live in truth. When I wasn't overtaken with guilt, I was free to call out to Him. When I was free to be who He called me to be, no longer bound by my need to feel worthy to the world, I was free to experience the life He set forth for me. 

And what a life He had waiting for me. 

Are you placing people into sin boxes

My heart was heavy throughout the night. I woke many times, and should have risen and written then, that would have been obedient. I admit I was not obedient. I'm not sure if it was my fear to write this, or my desire to just sleep through the night because Keegan seemed to be sleepinig for the first time in weeks, but I could not pull myself together to write. So, I simply prayed each time I woke, and as I rose this morning, my heart was so heavy I knew I simply had to do what I was being promted to do. 

Write. 

Express myself. 

Try and reach a broken world. 

I read an article yesterday that I posted on my facebook wall. And as all controversial articles go, this one brought in just as many mixed opinions and emotions as any. The article was written for Fox News, and it featured a blog post that a young lady wrote regarding her experience at a homeschool prom. The young lady, Clare, was asked to leave the prom early because her dancing and dress were leading the men and boys to have impure thoughts.           

Her experience no matter whether you can see that she was hurt was traumatizing, whether it be what happened at the prom or what happened afterwards, but it will inevitably have an impact on her life forever. I believe that is always God's intention when He allows something to enter our life. We cannot ever say with real certaintiy what someone's "lesson" was supposed to be. And I see that a lot. I saw that a lot yesterday. I saw many people choosing 1 of 2 sides--hers or the adults at the prom. If they chose the adults, I believe it was primarily because they believed this girl needed a "lesson" in modesty", a "lesson" in respect, a "lesson" in whatever. And I feel the same way, in my human form. I feel the same way a lot of times with a lof of situations. But I really believe that is wrong. I am wrong when I believe it is my job to "teach someone a lesson". I am wrong when I believe I should point out the lesson I believe God is trying to teach them. Why? Because it's a personal lesson for that person, and for every other person that that person is involved with and it is a lesson that will change and grow with time and maturity and new experiences. 

We ARE ALL BROKEN, when we start looking at peole's lives as "more broken" or "hopeless cause" when we begin saying I cannot associate with you because you're "inappropriate", we completely drop the love of Jesus Christ and we put on a heart of judgement. We cannot look at peoples situations, actions and behaviors and pick them apart, we have to look at a deeper and more foundational problem--the hearts of people. That's what we have to evaluate, pick apart. Each of our hearts. But we can't just sperate ourselves from every person that makes us "uncomfortable".

This girl needs to absolutely evaluate her heart. Why did she feel so "sexy" in that dress? Is it okay to feel "sexy" at that age? These are questions we should ponder, pray over, but they are not questions we should bombard her with. They are questions that will isolate her, shun her, make her feel like she is unworthy. They will make others feel unworhty as they may be walking through something similar or previously walked through. The thing is, our situations affect us greatly, deeply, profoundly and FOR A LONG TIME. 

If you cannot truly step back and see that, then your heart really needs to be primed for loving. And I am sorry to say that if someone take's personal offense, as if I am personally attacking you. I am not. But, I do believe without a doubt that if we cannot look at the log in our own eye but are very easily able to point out the speck in someone else's, we are not bringing people to Christ.

No, instead, what we are doing is placing people in "sin boxes". "You're a sinner, You're a sinner, You're a sinner" and we place them into a box. We then take it as our job as the "more mature Christian" to begin disciplining this sinner in the box. We just have to get them on the right track, get them right with Jesus. And we do it with "the best of intentions", "seeking to bring people to Jesus" but what we are really doing is pushing people further and further away from us and in turn further and further away from Him. 

You see, we need to roll up our sleeves and be willing to walk through life with people we may deem "unworthy", people that "make us uncomfortable," and that is hard. Hands down, without question, hard. 

But, it's a commission. How are we supposed to bring hearts to Jesus if we do not walk through life with hearts? Why are we so quick to believe our "job" is to exhort the truth, when maybe our "job" is simply to have relationships with people we think are "inappropriate", "less than", "disrespecful", "just not getting it". 

Have you ever thought that? "They just don't get it". I have. And I am confident that I am not the only one. It's easy to look at someone's life and say you just don't get it. But, can we look at our own? Can we look at our life and say, "maybe I'm missing something", "maybe I need to love more", "maybe I'm not loving them really but trying to change them". 

God changes hearts. I'm sure this will be an endless argument, but it's not our responsibility to change anyone. It's our responsiblity, our calling, our commandment, to LOVE. That is it. 

You will find a ton of Scripture stating this that and another about pointing out to people what their sin is, how they can change. You'll find examples in the New Testatment and Old Testamtent. 

But, what do we find when we look at Jesus' llife? 

Truly, sit down and look at only His mission, His time on Earth. 

You see a lot of people that believed they were "getting it", a lot of people that believed they had the right to point fingers and judge, and then you had a man, a single Man, stand up and say, this person is SPECIAL, WORHTY, ENOUGH FOR ME TO DIE FOR RIGHT HERE IN THEIR SIN. 

You had a single Man say, "Thee without sin, cast the first stone". John 8:7

That verse has arisen some great debate through the centuries hasn't it. 

We cannot throw that stone, because we are with sin. But, He can. He was without it, and guess what my friends, He never did. 

Not when He met the adulterous woman, not when He met the prostitute, not when He healed the mentally ill.

He never discussed how sinful and broken they were. He never pointed out how awful and disgusting their actions were. Nope, He looked right at their heart and He began transforming it. 

That's what He does. And He wants to do it with us too. I think sometimes we believe, truly believe, that once we accept Jesus we're so healed and so new and never will sin again. 

That's wrong. 

I've even heard it taught that the lesson to be learned from Jesus' ministry with the prostitute is that she "sin no more", but I believe that's not the lesson ever to learn. We can never "sin no more". That is to be reached only in heaven. 

If you think you've reached that place, I would very seriously caution you to pray about whether your heart needs molding. If your heart no longer needs molding because you've reached the ultimate "sin no more" level, then the sacrifice of Jesus was never needed and that is competely not true. No, the truth is that our hearts always need molding. 

We learn more by walking through life with broken people than we can ever hope to learn by even walking through our own paths. 

We build realtionships with people and in turn we grow closer to Jesus. 

It should be beautiful.

Instead, we keep pulling ourselves away from people because we dont think they are good enough, when we should think we are all not good enough for Him, but praise God that He chose to love us anyways. 

This story about Clare and her prom is only a small window into a much bigger issue taking place right now while I type this--and that is shunning people that make us uncomfrotable and blaming them for our sinful hearts. 

We have got to begin truly working on our own hearts, so that we can more effectively touch the hearts of others. 

We have to walk through life with those people first--the people at the prom would have had to walk through life with Clare. They cannot blame Clare for the hearts of those men and boys, those men and boys need to work on their hearts with God so that they can be in a room with a woman who may not behave appropriately, and they can keep their eyes focused on Him. ANd if they cannot, it's because their heart is in need of changing still, not hers. If we blame her, we begin a slippery slope of excusing the actions of people. 

If you say "Clare deserved to be thrown out because of her dress and behavior," then you also say, "that girl who was raped and wearing a tube top and mini skirt deserved it because she should have been more moedest" or "if that boy would be less awkward, the bullies wouldn't pick on him so badly," or "I wouldn't hit you if you didn't make me so angry" "if your face wasn't so ugly, I wouldn't make fun of you". See how completely ridiculous that last statement is. Well, they all seem ridiculous to me! Because it's people excusing their judgements, bad behavior and criticism because someone else "deserved it" . 

It's wrong. 

art journaling

I began keeping a journal as a little girl. Keeping my thoughts on paper was a coping skill my therapist had me using at a young age. But, as is the theme with everything in my life, I don't keep with things well. With that being said, journaling is one of the ways my writing flourished, just simply putting my thoughts down and realizing that God gave me a gift with words; but I still never kept with it regularly. 

Recently I felt God laying a new desire on my heart, a desire for art. An insastiable appetitie for art. I long to look at pictures online, I scour magazines for inspiration, and simply sit with my sketch book and learn. 

I feel like a giddy child most evenings when I sit down with my tools, uninterrupted, and create. 

I've started keeping an art journal, and wow has it truly brought so much creativity back into my life. When I first had Jaxson, I was really big into scrapbooking. I would sit for hours and scrap pictures of him the first year of his life. Then we adopted Jordon, had Hayley, and before I knew it 6 years wizzed by and I haven't scrapboooked since. So, I've had all of this stuff just sitting around, waiitng to be used and appreciated. I kept all of it, or most of it, with the idea that we'd be able to use most of it in school, and we have for the most part, but there were thing like stamps and inks that we just weren't using. 

Oh my happy little creative heart rejoiced the moment that I realized I could bring all of my supplies out of retirement! I've been a stamping, inking, painting, drawing, all things art kind of gal for the past 2 weeks and it's been glorious!

What's been so glorious you may ask?

It's glorious watching Him instill things within our hearts. It's glorious to watch as He shapes our hearts to His, our minds to His, our bodies to His. It's a glorious journey we are in, and for the first time I feel free enough to live my life! 

Free from the bondage this world used to hold me in and free to live in the glorious manner in which He envisioned. 

What is art?

It's expressing human creative skill and imagination in various forms, and that can do glorious things to our way of living, and our emotional health. 

I didn't grow up around anyone that enjoyed anythign artsy. I had no idea that there was so much beauty simply waiting to be explored....and I am fueled and ready to explore. 

Here are a few of my journal pictures as well as the kids:

 I encourage you to grab onto something God is doing in your life, and simply enjoy all of the glorious moments

Genuine

At the beginning of the year I prayed about whether I wanted to make New Years Resolutions for myself or not. The more I prayed and thought about it, the more I felt led to choose a word/words to meditate on and a Scripture to reflect on. The word came to me very quickly, but the Scripture took longer. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I now have both a word and Scripture verse to reflect on and I have to tell you, I am super excited about the direction that God is leading my family in, but without question eager to see what He has in store for me personally. 

I thought I would be anxious, nervous to turn 30, but I have this peace that surpasses all of my understanding. I feel strongly that it is because of this word and this Scripture verse that He led me to--genuine and "You are fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14. 

RIght now, in this season of life, these 2 daily reminders are what continue to remind me of my need and love for Jesus.

I have wanted to sit and write this blog for some time, but decided to wait until this very special time, my 30th birthday, to release all of the thoughts He has had spinning in my head. I do apologize if it comes out like a jumbled up mess, hopefully though it is a source of encouragement to you my sweet reader and friend. 

What does it mean to be genuine? What does it mean to understand and live in the knowledge that you are fearfully and wonderfully made? 

I think it means something a little different for each person, but the overall concept is pretty easy to understand and should be widely accepted. 

Okay, so here's where I have to jump around a bit on you and I pray you can keep up and I can pull it all together well, but let me jump back to the beginning. 

6 years ago I gave my life completely over to Jesus. I was saved as a young girl, and I understood that I was a sinner in need of a Savior. I understood that Jesus died for my individual sins, and that I needed to accept Him and His redemptive life. While at the same time, I had gone through so much, and continued to go through so much, I simply could not wrap my head around all of it. It didn't make any sense to me that this good and wonderful God could allow the things I had been through. I couldn't wrap my head around why I continued to face serious struggles, if I had been saved. I began to question whether I was saved, and at that moment I think the real lies began in my life. The lies I didn't truly notice until very recently, and the lies that shaped the beginning of my new relationship with Christ. 

The lie was that I was unworthy of God's love. The lie was that I was dirty, unclean, not good enough in my dark times for God. The lie was that I had to clean up before I could come before God. The lie that I continued to believe, and was told by a Pastor, was that I was not saved as a child, because I continued to live seperately from Him for years following. The lie that spiraled from that and one that I was fed by another Pastor was that once I did "truly repent of my old dirty ways" I could not talk about my past openly with the youth or others in the congregation because it wasn't a life that parents want their children knowing about. I was encouraged to continue walking with Christ, I was encouraged to read Scripture and grow with fellow Christians but I was never accepted as a person. I was never accepted as an equal. And this life reality, continued to feed the lie that was brewing deep within my soul. I began seeing a seperation in the church, in my life, in the people around me. I began living a completely superficial life and saw/see the same around me. 

What is this superficial life? It's the one that hears about the struggles of someone, and the immediate thought of, "oh poor so and so, I wonder why God is putting them through such a fire, He must want them to learn something about that sin I saw in their life", yes I mean that thought. Or this one, "Oh bless her heart, she's going through such a hard time, I'll pray for her." If you have to ask yourself why either of these 2 questions is wrong, then I suggest you stop reading this blog because you will not agree with the majority of what I will say next. 

It's thoughts like those that are tainting our world, tainting our hearts, and one that stopped me and stops everyone from living a genuine life and knowing that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. How you may ask yourself? That's easy--the moment we start elevating our life, our relationship with God, our relationships with others, to this standard that we're above others--we need to check our hearts. The heart is where it's all at. And it's within that chest cavity that the real work is done. The heart holds everything. And no matter how many good things you do for someone, no matter how many "prayers" you utter for someone, if your heart pities them in the sense that they are somehow beneath you, your heart is where a problem lies just as much as in the life of that other person. 

We are EACH OF US SINNERS in need of JESUS CHRIST. That is the truth. 

Some people find Christ, and yes they get a deeper understanding that they should want to use to encourage those around them, but never because  they are better. NEVER. But because they should truly understand their own need for Christ, their own sins, their own limitations, and because they are constantly seeking reproof from God, they can walk beside others that are aiming to do the same. 

That's our commission--LOVE ONE ANOTHER. 

How can you truly love someone that you are constantly piting and feeling sorry for? You feel bad for them, you may want to help me a little, but do you truly love them? Love them despite their circumstances, love them despite the sin they may be trapped within? Or do you pity them and just "know" God is pusnishing them for that "sin they are trapped in"? 

6 years ago when I came to the understanding that I had to give my whole life over to Him because I couldn't shandle anything on my own, at that moment I began listening and being fed a completely new lie. This lie shaped my walk as a Christian, as a believer, as a follower of Christ. This one was fed to me by other believers, other Christians and is rampant I believe everywhere that people claim to be "Christian". This lie is that some are better than others. This lie is constantly backed by Scripture. I will never use Scripture in that manner. I will not use Scripture to make a point. I will only ever tell anyone about my personal relationship with Jesus in my everyday life. The things I feel, the things I learn, the things I hear, and if I have read something profound, I will share it, but never in an accusatory way. I have done this in the past. I have had this done to me in the past. And I think this is what the Pharisees tried to do to Jesus over and over again. I think the lesson to learn always, is how did Jesus treat people? 

ALL people.

The ones that we think are unworthy. The ones that we shun, ridicule, look down upon, put in jail, execute? He accepted them. He accepted them in their rawest form, their most genuine form, their most wretched form. Right down to the sinner on the cross next to Jesus, one who had done someting wrong and was being executed by a "court of law", He accepted, forgave and loved. 

Loved.

Loved.

That's all He ever did. Love. 

He loved each of the people in the stories of the Bible in their purest, most sinful states. He encouraged them, loved them, led them, and never pitied. He loved their genuine spirit, their pure soul. He had fearfully and wonderfully made them, US, but sin corrupted us. Sin entered us. He knows this more than ANYONE! 

Why?

Because He was the one who had to pay the penalty--the penalty for the little sins and the big sins. Sin is sin is sin is sin. There are no degrees of sin.

But there are degrees that God sees us in--that is saved and unsaved. He sees us through the robe of of Jesus, through His scope. But, it's only He who sees. 

Not us. 

Never us. 

We are called to love, despite whether we deem someone worthy. And I'm so tired of hearing "Christians" use Scripture to justify why they are anti this or anti that. Why this sin is wrong and why that sin is wrong. I'm so tired of "Christians" pointing the sins out in the lives of those around them, and never willing to look at the huge log in their own eye. I say Christian, despite the fact that whether you consider yourself Christian or not, everyone falls victim of this, but it's Christians that use God as their reason for pointing accusatory fingers at others. It's Christians that use things like "morally corrupt" or "bless her sinful heart" to describe people. 

I assure you friend, I've truly met morally corupt people. I've truly met the ones the Bible is referring to as the harshest of the harsh; I've laid eyes on them, held conversations with them, been affected by them. The rapists, the child molestors, the wife beaters, the cheaters, the murderers, the adulterers, the drug abusers, the alcoholics, and I can tell you without question, there is still something in each of them that God loves. But we each come up against some kind of repulsive sin every day, the question should be how we deal with it and how we grow closer to Him. Not whether someone in our life is living such a horrid life that we have to step in and tell them all of the horrible things we think about them and how those things are why God is putting them through the fire He is putting them through. 

If we were all genuine, walked in the knowledge that we are broken and sinful and need very much to have the Spirit of Jesus within us to handle this tainted world, we would be more capable of accepting each other right where we are and allowing God to do the changing. We'd see more change, because we would have stepped out of the way and let Jesus do the work. We are in the way right now. 

We as Christians are in the way of God changing hearts because we are hardening them towards Him. 

Our actions.

Our accusatory fingers. 

We are stopping people from being genuine, from accepting that they are fearfully and wonderfully made because we are constatnly telling each other about all of the things we don't like. 

We dont accept people for who they are. We dont accept people as the unique, beautiful, one of a kind creation that they are. We constantly want people to change into this image that WE make up, and we use the Bible and God as our reason for it. 

Here's the truth, those sins continue to point us to Him. Without them, we do things without Him. They are growing experiences. Ones that we will continue to be tested with, continue to experience and continue to come up against. And we should welcome them. We should welcome the moments when we are able to fall at the foot of the cross and worship a Savior who accepts us despite our sins. 

Does He want us to change?

YES!

But, if we all died today, we are good enough. We have accepted Jesus. That is all that matters. After death, what happens afterwards, that's for God to deal with. What judgements come, He has to handle all of that. It's too much for us. 

What are we to do? 

LEARN TO LIVE HERE WITH ONE ANOTHER. 

LIVE WITH ONE ANOTHER.

LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Be genuine. 

Know that you are feafully and wonderfully made by a perfect and amazing GOD. 

These truths have changed my life. 

These truths have revolutionized my relationship with Him, and those around me. 

These truths I share with you today because I feel very strongly that we are all being fed a lot of lies!!! 

Don't accept them. 

Be you.

Know, that you need Jesus, and that He loves you JUST AS YOU ARE. 

Birth stories are difficult and personal why do we expect His birth story for us to be any different?

                         

(I wrote this blog 5 months ago and He laid it on my heart again, only this time to enhance it.)

It's hard, hard to have a passion for things, a love for something that someone doesn't understand, and have people disregard it and call it "weird" or "not kingdom worthy". 

It's hard to experience a life altering moment such as finding a relationship with the King, and having people decide what your new journey should look like. 

It's hard to have people gawk, mock, poke fun, tear down, question, or even mimick, a personal relationship with a personal Savior. 

It's hard to understand how personal each relationship should be and how people that have experienced the same moment can confine it to a specific box with specific specifications allowing no modifications. 

It's easy as a mother to understand that each woman's birth story is completely different and entirely personal and at most times quite traumatic in it's own personal right, and we should expect the same from each other because we are literally being birthed from a Living God. How can we decide what His birth story looks like for ourselves let alone someone else?

It's hard to want very much to enjoy your birth story, welcome the new life that you are entering; but to have a lot of people around you gawking, eyes on you to see exactly what you are doing, how your new legs are working, how your new arms are stretching, how your new brain is developing. And while they are continuing to look at you, they are very seldom looking at the heart that they are watching with, the heart that is supposed to be within them going through the exact same process. 

It's hard to enjoy the highs and lows because that's what He wants, for us to experience those lows and call out to Him. But when we call out to Him, we have bystanders deciding how we should reach out to Him, what His answer will be, and how that answer will play out. 

It's hard to enjoy the fellowship and communion with a personal mother and father (because God acts as both), a new family, while people are saying how your new family should live, what they should eat, what they should drink, what they should enjoy, what their entire life should pretty much unfold like. 

It's hard to be a part of that family with confidence, and He most assuredly wants us standing in confidence. But it's not Him breaking down our confidence, it's those around us. 

It's hard to love every single moment of this new, difficult, wonderful, hard, amazing, gut-wrenching life when the people who are supposed to be a part of our new extended family, ones who we will be spending eternity with, when those people care much more about how we are living rather than about how their heart is. It's easy to understand when non-believers persecute and judge. But, when those in our new adopted family critique, judge and are unfairly mean, it's a different feeling. Sometimes, we as believers can forget that it is within that heart of ours, that very fragile organ, that bodies are birthed; unique bodies, one of a kind bodies, never to be duplicated bodies, never to look the same  (well of course expect in the instance of twins, I have no revelation from Him on that one, sorry, it's just simply amazing). We forget because we begin living within that phantom box with specific specifications for our life allowing no room for modifications. 

It's hard, really hard when He's given YOU that unique, genuine heart; one that may like things different than other people; may do things in different ways; may WANT to do things differently because that's the unique and genuine heart that He gave you, and to be constantly told that this heart is unworthy, not good enough, wrong, weird. 

These hard things are things we need to share with each other through our "church" body and embrace within each other. And I don't mean our literal church body either; I mean the ones that accept Chrst, the ones that now claim to walk with Him--they all become the church body, His family. 

He is now each of our mother and father. He is now the One that binds us together as sisters and brothers. Which means every time we critique someone else, look at someone else and judge with human eyes, we are in essence saying to God that his birthing process is unacceptable to us; to me, to you. 

I don't want to say that to my Creator; to the Potter who formed me. I want to embrace all of my quirkiness; which means I want to embrace the unique, quirky personalities He instilled within others. 

Comparing--it's an ugly trait. We decide what people's lives should look like and we compare it to what we are seeing. 

We shouldn't be doing it in our every day lives, judging how everyone is raising their families, and we shouldn't be doing it in our relationship with Him, judging how His birthing process will look like for one another! 

We have got to show more grace to each other. We have to go to start accepting each other as indivudals, and not cookie-cutter images of what we we perceive is "righteous"; as if to say that we as men and women could EVER think to say what is truly righteous. 

We fall short of His righteousness every single moment. We fall short of offering the grace He expects us to offer. 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

2 Corinthians 12:9

See, that's the magnfiicent part of Him. He doesn't fall short. His grace is sufficient; His grace instills love for others. 

I want to accept my own weird, quirky traits and I long to accept your, sweet friend. What do you wish today?

We didn't celebrate Valentines Day the "typical way"

It's that day again, February 14, the oh so romantic, Valentine's Day...but is it really "romantic"? 

For me this year, the weeks and days leading up to it, I began feeling this little stir to shake things up. I began seeing all of my single friends preparing themselves for this day in which they are reminded by the whole world that they don't have a "significant other" and I began seeing a lot of my female friends in relationships joking about dropping hints to their loved one about what they wanted. 

And it hit me like a baseball to the face at an Orioles game--Valentine's Day kind of sets people up for failure! 

It sets single women and men up to be bitter towards those in realtionships, and it sets those in relationships up to have such unrealistic expectations for what they will "get" from the one they "love". 

I mean, Christmas was a little over a month ago, we all have birthdays each year, and yet there is this day set aside when we are supposed to "love" one another? It seemed crazy to me this year! 

It seemed crazy to me to look at the flower prices, that are seriously DOUBLED on this 1 day, the chocolates, the presents, the cards, etc and so forth. 

It all was too much for me this year. 

I tried researching how the day started, and that brought about as much confusion as I was already experiencing. Some says it's a Christian day, representing some saint who saved people. Some say it's a pagan day representing a bloody massacre. 

But what did I feel? 

What did God feel? 

I immediately began feeling that this one day is absurd! I should be truly, genuinely loving people, my husband and children, EVERY DAY, not only on Valentine's Day. I didn't want Brian to go out on this one day and spend an absurd amount of money buying me something. I didn't want to "want" something only to be upset with Him because he didn't do as good of a job as I had hoped. I didn't want to compare him to other husbands, saying why can't you be more romantic like so and so (I honestly don't feel these things, but I COULD have and I know some who DO).

I wanted to release him from ALL of MY expectations. 

So, this year, we both agreed to get each other NOTHING, (he did MAKE me a card, because well he rocks), and instead we decided that he would have a romantic dinner with our girls and I would have a romantic dinner with our boys. 

And we did it UP! 

We bought candles, laid the nice tablecloths out, used the fine china, we got dressed up in nice clothes and we just enjoyed about 40 minutes with the ones who we are teaching to love. 

We focused on them. 

He talked with the girls about what they should expect from men when they are older, and I talked with the boys about what they should expect from ladies when they are older. 

Jaxson would like to take his future girlfriend to the zoo, and Jordon hopes his future girlfriend can stand up for herself and not expect him to because he's not good at that sort of thing (according to him of course). Hayley would like to have 2 kids and live in a house like ours. 

We ate pizza that we designed ourselves, and drank out of wine glasses. And at the end, Jordon asked if we could do this every year, "you know, start a tradition". 

And oh my momma heart jumped for joy. 

You got it buddy! You got it! 

So, we transformed a day that is supposed to be about flowers and candies for the one you love, and truly focused on the ones we loved! Really, we didn't do a lot differently except took ourselves out of the equation and focused on others! 

It. Was. Amazing. 

Are you stranded in the middle of a frozen lake and not sure what to do?

Imagine you're walking on a frozen lake. 

You need to get to the other side, but the ice begins to crack beneath the weight of your steps. You begin backing up, as quickly, yet delicately, as you can as to not fall through the ice and into a cold, deep, unknown abyss. 

I think this proverbial lake is a lot like our faith in Christ. 

Do you continue walking, possibly falling to places you don't know or understand, or do you head back, to safer ground that your comfortable standing on? 

Brian and I are currently living in the middle of that frozen lake. God gave him this analogy the other day, while he was deep in prayer, and I was simply in awe of the imagery. 

This lake terrifies us. 

We're standing in the middle, cracks and crevices threaten to pull us into a cold, unpleasant, truly scary body of water. On one side is stands our Savior, promising to never let us fall into this water and not be resurrected; on the other side is our comfy, pleasant little existence in this world.

Oh how many times we just want to run back to dry ground, to a place that we understand and can firmly plant our feet. 

But, oh the joy, the peace, the life He promises on the other side of that lake, it's so amazing that we just want to get over there. Sometimes, we want to simply run across that lake, as fast as we humanly can. 

But that's not good either. That act of disobedience is just as bad as giving up and heading back. We could fall in very easily once we begin racing to the other side. 

No, sometimes simply walking, hand in hand with Him across a frozen lake is the way to go. 

Remember when Jesus walked on water? It was very easy for Him. He never questioned whether He'd have the ability, ability from His Father. He simply stepped out, in complete confidence, and walked LITERALLY on top of water. 

Now, do you remember the part right after Jesus walked? 

"At once, Jesus made his disciples get into a boat and start back across the lake. But he stayed until he had sent the crowds away. Then he went up on a mountain where he could be alone and pray. Later in the evening, he was still there. By this time the boat was a long way from the shore. It was going against the wind and was being tossed around by the waves. A little while before morning, Jesus came walking on the water toward his disciples. When they saw him, they thought he was a ghost. They were terrified and started screaming. At once, Jesus said to them, “Don't worry! I am Jesus. Don't be afraid.” Peter replied, “Lord, if it really is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come on!” Jesus said. Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him. But when Peter saw how strong the wind was, he was afraid and started sinking. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. At once, Jesus reached out his hand. He helped Peter up and said, “You surely don't have much faith. Why do you doubt?” The men in the boat worshiped Jesus and said, “You really are the Son of God!” Jesus and his disciples crossed the lake and came to shore near the town of Gennesaret. (Matthew 14:22-31, 33, 34) 

Peter had no faith that he could continue walking and then he began sinking. I think we all do this every day, oh so many times! We want Him, we request Him, yet we try and do things on our own, as Peter did, and we end up sinking. 

Now, let's take a close look at that last line, "Jesus and his disciples crossed the lake and came to shore near the town of Gennesaret"

Because of Jesus, they crossed the lake without any problems. The wind was calmed BY HIS HANDS, and He and the disciples safely made it where they intended on going. 

We can all stand in this truth. 

Whether you are walking on the frozen lake that Brian and I currently find ourselves in, or in a raging sea with turbulent waves and winds that seem so fierce they take your breath away, have faith that with Him, and only Him, you will make it to your destination! 

Continue, slowly, and reach out for him! He will stop the cracks from creating such a hole that you fall in and are never be seen again! 

I promise! 

But it's not my promise you can take hope from, it's His! 

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38, 39)

The chaos a day can bring, or the peace His love can bring

People ask me on a daily basis how I survive through the day with 5 kids. Heck, there were days when I only had 3 and was asked the same thing, and I've come to realize with each new blessing that has been added to our family, that it's not the number of children that make life stressful, it's simply life. We're fooling ourselves to think that a mom with 1 child has it any easier than a mom with 18 children. Children are children, and life happens whether you have 1 or multiple. Now, that's not to say that having multiple children doesn't create a dynamic in a home that a family with less could never understand, that's completely true! Each of our lives is different. Each of our days unfolds differently. 

And shouldn't they? 

Wouldn't it be a pretty boring world if every single person lived the same monotonous life, day in and day out? If there were no surprises, bumps, cracks, gaping holes in our lives, where would all of the growth come from? 

My days are filled with these cracks, and those gaping holes, and it's within those crevices that I find the strength to push through the day. Not because I have 5 children, but simply because I have children. Yes, my life is crazy, CRAZY, and I'm sure there are a ton of people who wouldn't trade my life for anything--and that's ok; Because I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I love this life, even within those dark, dreary crevices. 

I find out more and more about who I am within those crevices; those cracks and holes of my life hold amazing opportunities to learn from Him. 

I look back on the past few years of my adult life, well I suppose my entire adult life, and I can honestly say this is the first time I can truly, without question say that I am happy. I am happy, and things are not perfect in my life. 

I am happy within the long and broken crack of my life that we are currently in, and I love it there. I love the strength that I have to find within Him because I have exhausted everything and can give no further. I love that feeling of knowing that my future, it's set. Nothing that happened today can change that future He has for me. No mistake I make today, or hole that I may fall in can keep His plan from becoming my reality. He has promised this life to me and when I walk in that promise, I can grow wings and soar like an eagle. 

I love depending on Him, finally, for everything, and not myself. 

It's difficult, to wake up and give it over to Him. I found myself for the first few years of my life as a Christian thinking I had to set special time aside for Him, had to rise at they wee hours of the morning and do all of these things to follow Him properly. 

Misery came from those feelings, not wings! I wanted the wings, I wanted to fly high with Him.

As I ponder that question, how do you survive your day, I find myself shouting, because I have my best friend by my side. Each and every moment, I have Jesus by my side. All of a sudden, the barrier and fakeness I had put up around me has crumbled down around me and in place of it came a true and passionate relationship. One where I make no excuses to Him, put on no fronts or shows. I come to Him each moment just they way that I am, and I ALWAYS feel adequate. If I am truly in His presence, I am at peace in my day even if I am failing a million times. And I mean FAILING and I'm ok to admit that. 

I'm comfortable admitting when someone asks how I get through my day, that I don't get through my day. Honestly, if it were up to ME, I'd probably run away multiple times a day to a deserted island that served copious amounts of Merlot. BUT, praise God from whom all blessings flow, it's not me who gets me through the day, it's Him. Because if I ran away to that island, I'd miss the most amazing life ever. MY LIFE. 

And so would you my sweet friend. I know how you're feeling today. The kids are already fighting, the laundry needs to be started, breakfast may still need to be served, YOU my sister may even still be in your Jammie's, and that's ok. 

It's ok because those things will get done, your day will end the way it was meant to, with you tucking your sweet blessings into bed tonight and all of the cares, the pain and heartache you felt today, it will pass away with a peace that surpasses all of your understanding.....THAT PEACE IS HIS PEACE. 

I live in that peace, as much as I possibly can. And hope you do too sweet friend. That peace is so much sweeter than the dark place this world wants to keep us captive in--a dark place where we think we're doing nothing right.

Don't stay there! 

Rest in the peace that you were chosen to love those littles of yours because of who you are to them and to Him, and that is amazing! 

Don't miss out on the little things of today, the messes and the mistakes, they help you grow I promise, and they help you live in that peace! If I didn't have that peace, I'd have missed these wonderful moments this morning

She was being the silliest little flower, making the cutest little faces at the camera. I was cold, maybe not in the best of moods yet, and this little girl helped remind me of His peace, and we had the best time snapping these pictures trying to get a decent one of us, not blinded by the flash 

A flower, a broken wrist

My day starts at around 6:45-7 each morning and usually steadily pushes on until about 10-11. Long days filled with crying, screaming, poop, toys, diapers, laundry, homeschool, laughter, smiles, giggles, kisses, arguments and sheer craziness! There are days that I lay my head down at night and truly have to breathe a sigh of relief and just thank our God that everyone made it through the day alive :) 

I didnt used to like to blog about the ins and outs if my days; I was always really terrified of the person who would ridicule my parenting or judge my skills as a homemaker. Well, that person said goodbye in 2013, & this year is the year that I begin to FINALLY find me! 

So, with that being said, I'm going to share the story of little flower, Lily Grace's fall and subsequent cast. 

It was 2 days after Christmas and the kids and I decided to go into town to shop at our favorite store--Walmart of course, (I actually seriously hate this store but I seem to spend a ridiculous amount of time there, anyone else relate?) and we ended up getting the wrong thing. We did not realize we had bought the wrong game system (we were buying the new skylanders swap force for our little skylander for his birthday which was a mere 11 days following) until we returned home, a good 12 minutes from town. Keegan was ready for nap, desperately, I was too honestly, and school still had to be done. So we all decided to lay Keegan down, finish school and then head back into town. 

So we did this. I loaded all 5 kids back up in the car and headed back into town when Keegan woke from his nap. I decided to make one pit stop at the goodwill, I wanted to pick up a hooded sweatshirt for Jordon which was the one thing he asked for for Christmas and I had yet to find. So, we all head in, and unbeknownst to me, the goodwill doesn't have normal shopping carts with a child seat, oh no no. They have instead, a cart with 2 baskets, 1 on top and 1 on the bottom. So, I figure, we're not going to be there long, so I sit Keegan in the top basket, and head through the store. We score the sweatshirt, and a plastic doll house for 3.99, I was not leaving the store without it, and a stand up blender for stupid cheap. We proceeded to the checkout, me pushing a cart with a baby, while wrangling 4 other children around my heels. I needed to push the cart out of the store because I didn't have enough hands to carry the bags, Keegan, and maneuver the kids through the parking lot that seemed to be more packed as we were exiting the store then when we had entered. 

So, both girls stepped into the bottom basket and held onto the stop, the boys held onto the sides, and I held keegan in the top. We were headed down the handicap ramp from the sidewalk into the parking lot when the cart HIT A POT HOLE AND COMPLETELY FLIPPED ON ME. It was crazy! Obviously it was from the weight of the girls on the front of the cart, I realize that (please don't feel the need to point this out, I'm well aware that I could have potentially stopped this horrible accident had I simply not put the girls in the bottom basket) but I never imagined such a thing could happen. 

I flew over the basket, Keegan fell out and Hayley and Lily Grace both got stuck under the cart. Lily Grace's hand broke her fall we think and that's probably how she broke it. 

2 ladies came over and asked if we were okay, which I know was very kind and they most certainly did not have to stop and check on us. But I admit, I kind of wish one had offered a hand to help me with our stuff to the car, only because that was the only real help anyone could have given at the time. 

But, they left, and I still had to figure out how to get the kids across the parking lot while carrying 3 kids, see God only gave me 2 hands and that didn't seem to be enough in this particular predicament. So, I did what any mother of 5 does, I carried a 3 year old, a 4 year old and. 1 year old across the parking lot with only 2 hands, while my oh so wonderful 10 year old stood on the sidewalk with all of our stuff until I could come back and pick the cart up and get our stuff over to the car. 

The wrist never swelled really badly or bruised, which were 2 signs I was looking for in order to decide how to proceed. We headed home to daddy and after Lily awoke from her nap in the car, although still no bruising or swelling, we decided she should go get it checked. Brian took her because they older 3 kids we honestly quite shaken up after everything and I didn't want to worry them by my leaving. Mom leaving always seems to throw everyone into a panic around here, I'm not sure about at your houses. 

An X-ray and 3 hours at the ER and sure enough, poor Lily Grace had broken her wrist in 3 tiny little places. The breaks are different in small children, as in the bone kid of splinters as opposed to actually breaking, thankfully! So, the Dr was confident it should heal nicely! She will continue wearing the cast until Feb 5, and I cannot lie, it's seriously the cutest thing ever! 

And that's the story about how our little flower, broke her wrist and how her momma realized, these kids will give me a heartache SOON!