It was like an overloaded balloon that suddenly popped and made everyone in earshot frightened and on alert.
I was that balloon.
I am that balloon still at times.
It's Transparent Thursday, and again I'm nervous and nauseous at the thought of publishing this post. Last week, I caved to the the enemy. Last week, I deleted my blog post because of a negative comment. The comment broke my heart, and kept me up late into the night, and I allowed the enemy to steal so much joy from me last weekend regarding my blogs.
I wanted to throw in the towel and not continue bringing darkness to light.
Writing, being transparent, it's tough for me right now. I want to do it, I know I'm supposed to do it, but the fear that overwhelms me can leave me paralyzed.
This incessant need I have to please people. It has reached a boiling point and I know that God is using my life to bring me away from the need to please people. If I am going walk with Him, I am going to have to be obedient to Him and not this world. That is tough for me. I have lived 30 years trying to gain acceptance from those around me.
Wanting acceptance caused turmoil within me.
I don't like admitting these things about myself. I don't like feeling vulnerable, feeling like people have a "right" to gossip and talk about me because I have so publicly opened up my life.
But, I have got to STOP worrying so much about what others think of me, and begin worrying much more about what He thinks of me.
He, He thinks I am a precious gem; a treasure to Him.
His gem, His treasure.
When I begin walking in that truth, He reveals so much to me. He brings clarity to my confused head, and light from darkness.
He has done this in a grand way for me since writing the book, less than Three.
Since writing the book, I feel a bit like a fish out of water. I have lived my entire life under an umbrella of lies; UTTER LIES.
I believed I was worthless, ugly, fat, shameful and a whore who deserved any abuse I was given. I believed that it was okay to be screamed at and cussed out, and I believed it was okay to respond in the same fashion. If you screamed at me, I believed it okay to scream back. If you didn't scream at me, but whatever you said made me question my worth, I felt I had the right to scream. This panic creeps up in me when someone doesn't "like" me, or doesn't "hear" me. I find it necessary and acceptable to scream as loud as I can until I have made my point.
I become like a caged animal, fighting to the death.
I am that caged animal, and I am simply fighting myself.
It's a sin.
And I admit, I struggle greatly.
This morning, we were late for a Dr's appointment. Very late. I asked my husband to call the Dr's office and let them know that I would be about 10 minutes late. I could not call because my cell phone is only for emergencies, this did not constitute an emergency for me.
Of course, I got lost on the bypass, as I had never been to this particular office before (our Pediatrician has three offices). My 10 minutes turned into 15 minutes, and the panic quickly took over. I knew that Keegan had to be seen, and very much needed the shots we were scheduled to receive. I knew, (thought I knew of course) that we simply couldn't miss this appointment. If we did, I would be a failure.
The enemy saw his chance, and he took it. The lies began, "what kind of mother can't get her child to the Dr's on time? What kind of mother is two months behind on vaccinations just because you only have one vehicle and couldn't get down to the Dr? And why do you only have one vehicle? What a failure you guys are, shouldn't you have two vehicles by now?"
LIE ON TOP OF LIE ON TOP OF LIE.
I was suffocating by the time I pulled into the parking lot, a whopping 15 minutes after our appointment was set to have taken place.
I rounded the three children up that I took with me, and headed into the office. I put the children in the waiting area, and walked over to the reception desk to check in, and the nurse realized who we are, and that we had very much missed our timeslot.
I could see the words she was about to say and the panic within me began choking me. I wanted to puke as she said, "you've missed your entire appointment, I will have to see if the Dr will still see you." My heart sunk, I could feel my cheeks flush, my hands began perspiring, and I lost it.
The caged animal came out, and I lost it. Tears filled my eyes, and I quickly spat back at her, with absolutely no regard for her, "I got lost, I'm sorry, the Dr will want to see us". She could see the tears, she could see the anxiety, and I saw only her ridicule. In that moment, as she was simply doing her job, I felt worthless to the receptionist. In that moment, simply because I was late, I felt like a worthless piece of crap.
I know, as you're reading this you're probably thinking, "c'mon girl, shape up. You were only late, it's not the end of the world."
I too can say that, NOW.
I too, when not filled with that sin, can see the ugly that came out of me. But, in the moment, I was blind to it. I am always blind to it. I feel worthless, and I simply cannot see straight. I become like that caged animal who focuses on one thing and one thing only--prove your worth.
That becomes my focus, prove to that person that you are not worthless. I felt like I had to have a good enough excuse to "prove" that I wasn't a total failure as a mother and that I deserved the children who were with me in the waiting room.
How absolutely ridiculous!
It doesn't only happen with strangers or adults though. It happens with my own children. The screaming, it's aimed at them most of the time. But, it's still the same concept--prove to your children that you are worthy to be their mother. Prove that you are the boss. Be loud, be proud, and show them who is boss.
I don't want to be just "boss", I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus as a woman, a mother, a wife. I don't have to prove to anyone that I "deserve" my life, or that I "am good enough".
The truth is, in my flesh, I am not good enough. I can admit that. But, IN HIM I AM. In Christ, I am worthy, and that is TRUTH.
There was a time when I was in completete denial that I was a "screamer". There was a time when I could see it in my family, and not myself. There was a time when I wanted to blame my family for "creating" this monster.
Those are all lies. I grew up in a crazy atmosphere where screaming was accepted, yes, and there are still many close to me that believe it is acceptable to continue doing. What they believe, the way I grew up, it doesn't excuse my behavior.
It's normal for me because of my upbringing, but I am the one that made it truth in my life. I am the one that began implementing it. Me, not them.
So, I am the one who has to take responsiblity for it now, and surrender it. I have to, if I want to walk with Him. I can't walk with Him, and ignore this huge sin in my own life.
I want the words that come off of my tongue to be uplifting and encouraging. I don't want to be known as the person who cannot control their emotions or their tongue.
I have a lot of work to do; better I should say HE has a lot of work to do because I cannot find victory over this sin without Him.
But, I'm willing to walk it out with Him. And more than that, I am willing to bring my darkness to light in an attempt to allow someone else who is struggling with this sin to see that it's okay to admit you're struggling! It's okay to say, "I don't want to be like this, but I'm having a hard time changing." Admitting and surrendering are the first steps. The next steps, they look different for each of us. He takes the next steps and He directs them.
He guides, not us.
If you are like me, and you struggle with this incessant need to prove your worth to people, I urge you to surrender that sin. I don't believe surrendering it means you will never struggle again. Truthfully, you could struggle for the rest of your earthly life, I truly don't know what His intentions are. But, I can tell you, that if surrendering it to Him means you are aware of it, and He can begin working, that is the first and best step you can take.
I took it. I admit, the words that come off of my tongue when I am upset, they are unacceptable. They leave a foul taste behind; for me and my loved ones. But, that is the only step that I can take, the rest is up to Him. I may not like how long it takes, and there are some around me who may not like it, but truly, He's working on each and every one of us for some type of sin. Mine just happen to be ones that people don't like admitting they suffer from. I know many "screamers", and I can tell you that they deny they are one.
I admit it, and I bring it to light. It has no power over me if I bring it to light, and never allow it to be hidden in darkness again.
"You yourselves used to be in the darkness, but since you have become the Lord's people, you are in the light. So you must live like people who belong to the light."
I don't believe that living in the light means you are magically healed and never suffering anymore. I believe it simply means being willing to admit your sins, bring them out of darkness, and walk in the light, allowing Him to illuminate things that need to be changed.
Illuminate me, Lord, use me for your glory.
If you are struggling with screaming, I urge you to pray about it. Go to Him, and surrender it. If you are struggling with any sin, surrender it and watch as He brings darkness to light.
You are less than only Three.