Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My Longing

Longing ….

Well, it’s happened again. I’ve gone weeks without writing. You know the worst part for me right now; I long to write every single day and NEVER put the time aside for it. This is a hard lesson I’ve learned in the last few weeks….

I long to do things that I simply do not make the time for.

I long to take a shower first thing in the morning, yet after a tiring and unrested night of sleep I cannot seem to wake early enough to share and start my day. I often wait until random times during the day when I can sneak in a nice hot shower—usually when the girls are napping the afternoon. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this, but it doesn’t really help me wake and start my day.

I long to organize my house; but it seems that every time I try I seem to make a bigger mess. Often times I realize how desperately I need some tote or storage container and end up getting upset that I do not have said container. Out of pure irritation now because I have coveted something I do not have, I leave the mess I just created and walk away.

I long to spend more time with my hubby; however there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day. Bri is working 6-7 days a week right now; often 12 hour days. This does not leave much time for the two of us. When he is home he’s tired, sleeping or deep in the word and we simply cannot cuddle on the couch the way we used to when we first started dating. Oh how I miss those days. We would snuggle on the couch for hours, no place to go, no person to interrupt our time together. Now our lives are so crazy there doesn’t seem to be any time to just love one another. I need to make this happen more! I need to make time for my sweet, adorable hubby!

I long to write more; to sit at my computer and just let the words flow as Christ gives them. Far too often I have a child running around me feet and just can’t seem to find the time to write, uninterrupted. That might be the problem right there. I often want to write for “me” and not on the experiences of my children and what they are going through each day and I selfishly want them to just stop so I can write. I need to change that mindset!

I long to speak with women about abuse and the freedom that is found in Christ Jesus and the grace that He showed on the cross. I long to tell other women what He delivered me from so that they may see that His grace is sufficient for them as well. Recently I have felt myself shying away from speaking to people because I have not wanted people to “look” at me in a negative light. But I am reminded that it doesn’t matter what light the world sees me in, it’s the light I have that is Christ’s that matters.

And most importantly …. I long love Christ with my whole heart. He is my Sustainer and my Redeemer and my longing at every moment is simply to experience Him!

Christ opens me up each day to amazing and encouraging revelations. I often shy away from speaking these revelations because I am so often met with opposition. I want this to change—not the opposition because that is to be expected, but I want to stop worrying about what others may think of something I have said or done in the name of Christ our Lord. I serve Him and His kingdom and not man.

Only I can make the time for the things I want to do and only Christ can fill me with the strength I need to accomplish what I set out for. He is the way!

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:13

Monday, September 19, 2011

Homeschool fun

We made the decision 2 years ago to embark on this homeschool journey. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to. Truthfully, at first, it made me sick to my stomach to think of ME teaching the kids. I hated school, and really don’t like “learning”.

My stomach would knot up and I would feel physically ill with the thought. Slowly, by His grace thankfully, my feelings changed and I listened to what He was saying to me.

“Lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5

I needed to stop leaning on my understanding of what I thought I was capable of and start acknowledging Him and He would direct my path.

I believe He has done this.

2 years ago I started homeschooling my nephew and schooled him for about 6 months. I enjoyed my time with him, but circumstances beyond my control prompting his re-entrance into public school. This decision shattered my heart at a time. I believe, for my family, that homeschooling is the right decision. Jordon is part of my family and watching as he goes to school now every day is truly difficult. But, the same scripture that strengthens me in my doubts about schooling Jaxson, strengthens me as I wonder about whether Jordon in public school is going to negatively affect the light we want him to become. But, I lean not on my understanding and know that He is directing my path.

As we started Kindergarten 3 weeks ago, I stared at this little boy who stole a piece of my heart 4 years ago and I wondered, how can we make this work? How can I teach you appropriately? Are we starting too early?

You see, Jaxson, often referred to as “doodle”, is only 4.5 years old. But, by the grace of God Himself, doodle has surpassed everything that a pre-school aged child should. He doesn’t write as well as I would prefer, but he recognizes all letters, colors, shapes and numbers 1-20.

So, we jumped right into school and each day I think I am failing. Each day, as I lay down in my bed and prayer my bedtime prayers, I ask that He fill me even greater the next day because I feel utterly like a failure.

Then a day like today is given to me; a blessing from His oh so gracious hands.

You see, we took an entire week off last week while we mourned the loss of my Uncle. I didn’t feel bad about taking the week off as it was completely necessary, but morning was soon upon me and I was unsure how doodle would transition back in.

I calmly and enthusiastically said, “okay Jaxson, we need to finish up breakfast and then do school.” After which I hear, “ugh, Mommy, school every day? I do not want to do it today.”

I responded with something like, “Yes Jax, school every day, Monday thru Friday, and what are you even talking about silly goose, we didn’t school at all last week.” To which I see a grin on his face and hear a sweet little, “Oh yea, because Uncle Eddie died right?”

“Yes, now go finish your donut and get seated while I finish these dishes and we’ll start”.

Imagine my surprise when, 20 minutes later, I realize I have forgotten to go to the school room and doodle is standing at his desk, donut in hand saying, “Mommy, can I finish my donut and start school now?”

No prompting from me, no coaching from me, this little child was eagerly waiting at his desk to start his day. Oh how my heart rejoiced. Oh how a smile graced face.

I heard the voice of God; I heard His reassuring voice say, “You can do this, just in case you had any doubts”.

Every day I have doubts, every day I wonder if I am doing permanent damage to these beautiful children given to me, but I know without a doubt that I am making the right decision. I know without a doubt that my God is strong enough to lift me and encourage me and lead me on the path which HE has chosen for me.

I needn’t say one thing to Jaxson to get him to do school, the instrutions I had given him were enough, finish your donut while I finish the dishes. I wasn’t finished the dishes, so he wasn’t finished his donut. He waited patiently, kindly for me.

This lesson was an amazing lesson this morning. And you know what’s even better; doodle wrote every letter and number completely by himself. He needed no help from lil old momma; this could only be from His mighty hands.

Jaxson will learn what he is meant to learn, he will go forth in this dark world and although I may be the human here shepherding Him, Christ is the one inside Him directing His every path, teaching him all that he needs to know.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.

2 Timothy 3:14-15

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Get Moving

Get Moving

This week has been crazy for me. I lost an Uncle on Saturday and since then I have spent as much time as I could with his family, whom I adore. He was such a jolly man, good-hearted and funny, wise and knowledgeable and OUTRAGEOUS. He was a character. We knew his death was coming, and truly I thought I was prepared for it, but I found out quickly, you can never truly “prepare” for death. It hurts just the same, it’s grief either way! My heart hurts, my eyes sting but I am finding strength to give my family through the strength that He gives me. Gladness will come, comfort will be felt and joy can be taken in the peace that he is now experiencing.

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:13

God showed me something already though this trial, through the hard times the past 4 days. We are not promised tomorrow. We all say this, so many live by the motto “live like there’s no tomorrow”, but does that realization truly sink in? Do we truly understand that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and today is really the day that we should rejoice in, take hope in, and fulfill our aspirations in?

There are so many days that I say to myself, “I’ll get to that tomorrow”, but, will I have a tomorrow? And even if I have a tomorrow, will it bring the peace that I search for or will anxiety continue to creep in when I cannot accomplish what I set out for?

There are so many things that I long to do, not for me, but for my family. There are so many books I want to read, chapters of the Bible I yearn to explore, and I always tell myself, tomorrow, tomorrow.

I won’t do this anymore. I will do what I set out to do, TODAY, and what can wait until tomorrow, I will praise that day that he has given me. I will tell those I love that I love them. I will confront those that I have conflict with. I will call those whom I haven’t spoken to for too long. I will kiss my babies, hug and squeeze them.

Tomorrow is not promised, but the day that we are in, He promises we can find the blessings He pours down. Those blessings are not to be taken for granted, they are not to be taken lightly. They are blessings from His oh so gracious hands and they are blessings He absolutely did not have to give to us but chose willingly to give.

I want to put my hope in today, my faith in today and my love for Him in today. I want Him to reign down through my life, today and I want people to see Him in me, today.

My heart mourns for this man, for his family. I pray that God’s strength fill them completely during this trying time.

But, losing him so abruptly taught me …..

I will find gladness, I will be comforted and I will be joyful, today.