Transparent Thursday--I was not a loving mother at all times

You know I love a Transparent Thursday post! And today is no exception! 

Today we celebrate the birthday of our oldest son, Jordon. He turns 11 years old, and what a treasure he is. He is witty, funny, sweet, loving, a HUGE cuddler, and he's been the biggest blessing I never knew I had. 

Our story is complicated. It can be messy at times. It's not only our story to share, but we are the ones that are typically asked about it. 

You see, Jordon started out 11 years ago as my first nephew. He was born during a hurricane, and he is pretty intense like a hurricane too. He grew within my younger sister's womb, and quickly grew within my heart--but it took years for me to see or feel that growth. 

My sister suffers from Bipolar disorder, and if you don't know anything about that disorder, then my explaining it won't help. If you do know something about it, then no more explanation is probably needed. She struggles. 

But, don't we all? I mean, yes, she struggles a little more than most of us, but we ALL struggle with SOMETHING, I am defintely no exception. I struggle greatly myself, thankfully her disorder is something I do not struggle with. 

I struggle from social anxiety disorder, a chemical imbalance that affects the neurons in my brain. I am seeing huge growth thanks to prayer, and understanding my struggle. I had to admit I was struggling in order to begin seeing changes though, and I wasn't willing to do that for a long time. 

My denial, made me a really bad mom to Jordon. Jordon struggles himself, and he's too young for me to share too much, but I will simply call it ADHD for now, although I think it's much deeper than that. 

Jordon moved in with our family when my husband and I had been married for a little over a year, and our son had just turned 1. He was living with my mother, and they moved in with us to help counter my husband being laid off. We needed financial help, and my mom was going through a separation, so we all thought the two of them should move in with us. 

This is where our story gets complicated. I want to share so much, but my sister is not happy often with my sharing, so I will tread very carefully as to not offend anyone--while still sharing our story. 

My sister loves Jordon, she truly does. I questioned that for a number of years, but I know without a dobut that she truly does. However, that love didn't extend in the way that some of us moms extend love. She kind of bounced in and out of his life, leaving my mom the primary care provider for the first 4 years of his life. 

Jordon was 3 when I married my husband, and he was the first "male" role model Jordon had. He IMMEDIATELY attached to my husband, intensely. There was no doubt when my mom moved in with us that Jordon needed stability. 

He was struggling greatly. He had SCREAMING tantrums, hitting, biting, punching, kicking, he just simply needed stability. We all recognized that. We tried to instill that. 

We moved him into our sons room, and I began taking the motherly role. I didn't do that part willingly though. I felt like I "had" to. I resented my sister very much. I resented the fact that she could do whatever she wanted, and still be his mom. I resented her late night partying, and her dropping by incessantly to have "fun" with him. I resented everything about her. And I took that frustration out on him. 

If you ask him about it, he'll deny it happened. But, I know the truth. I also know, God must've protected him from it because he truly didn't feel like I wasn't loving him. If you ask him, he says I'm the best mom and he doesn't remember me ever not being nice. If you ask him, I love him intensely and if it weren't for me, he doesn't know who he would be. He loves me fiercely! 

That is the grace of God, there's no question about it. 

I know, unfortunately, that my screaming was directed at him, often. I'm a yeller, I've shared that often through my blogs. It's something God is HEAVILY working on in my life. I yell at everyone, but for a few years, as my other children were too little to really be doing anything wrong, I yelled primarily at his precious soul. Oh, what a humbling moment this is to admit. 

I yelled unrighteously at him. As I mentioned, he struggled greatly when we first took him in. I had the opportunity to overwhelm him with love, and I did, but I also saw my sister. When he would act out, when he would misbehave, I didn't see a child--instead I saw my adult sister who seemed to be "out of control". I judged her through his actions, if that makes any sense. 

It wasn't right. But, it happened. There was about a 1 year time span, 6 months or so we had no contact with her, that it was the worst. We had a restraining order on my sister, I was angry, I was dealing with SERIOUS sin in my own life, that I just couldn't admit, and I took my frustrations out via screaming at that little guy. 

I WAS WRONG. 

Again, I saw my sister in him, and I hated what I saw. I envisioned this child growing up and acting like this adult I was having such a hard time with. And I allowed my emotions to control my tongue. 

I WAS WRONG. 

As he grew, we continued having more children, and my plate continued filling up. The screaming really started to rear it's ugly head with everyone, not just him anymore. He was simply the one I was "irritated" with the most--and it was always after my sister had done something. I always saw her in him, I couldn't separate the two of them. I loved him, but I saw this woman that I seriously was angry with. 

I was angry with her for not loving him. I was angry with her for having her twins, I was angry with her for "ruining my mom". I was angry with her for all the wrong reasons. 

I was angry. 

The truth is, I wasn't really that angry at my sister. I was really angry with myself. I felt what I was doing, and I couldn't stop. But, what I felt more than that was this stirring within from God that said, "you are angry with yourself". 

I denied that. Why would I be angry with myself? I wasn't the one doing the ridiculous things, she was. 

OH BUT I WAS. 

I was living with my own sins, my own downfalls, and instead I focused completely on my sister. It was easier that way. It was easy to focus on someone else's shortcomings as opposed to my own. I didn't want to focus on my short comings. I wanted to love that child, but I didn't want to admit that I wasn't loving that child. 

Moving into our new home in September 2013 was when God really started working on my heart. It was shortly after I had tried to take my life, while living with my mom and sister for a year. THAT year, almost destroyed me. I allowed every single sin that I was living with, hiding, eat at me so badly, that I tried to take my life. 

IT WAS THAT CHILD that spoke to me afterwards, and wrapped his arms around me. IT WAS THAT CHILD that said, "what will I do without you? You're my mom. How do I choose between you and Daddy?".

Now, at the time he didn't know I had tried to take my life. He only thought that his mom and dad were getting a divorce. Instead of admitting how badly I was struggling, I blamed my sweet and loving husband. It became much easier to focus on him, than myself. I was tired of focusing on my sister, and I turned on my husband. 

GOD'S GRACE AGAIN. My husband is my rock! 

After moving into our new home, God began a mighty work in my heart. He showed me the sins I was hiding, and He showed me what He wanted me to do with it. Less than Three was written in obedience to what He was doing at the time. I share in less than Three about how much I struggled with being Jordon's mom, in vivid detail. It's heartbreaking, because I really failed that boy. 

But, it's beautiful too, because if you have faith in God, and you believe in grace, what happened within my heart is nothing short of GRACE and REDEMPTION. 

He called me "Mom" for the first time in September 2013. He referred to me as mom to others, and when he would talk to me he would say things like, "you're my mom," but he called me "Nina" which is godmother in Spanish. I am his godmother, and my oldest neices godmother and that is what I am referred to by nieces and nephews. 

Yet, this child called me, "Mom". I wrestled with the name for a long time. My sister was his mom, not me. She fought us tooth and nail to stay his mom, so how could I be his mom too? 

Oh the turmoil I felt within. 

God healed all of that. 

He revealed, in a mighty way, that Jordon was chosen by Him to be my son just as much as he was chosen to grow in my sister's womb. God had a purpose for all of us, and my purpose was to be his mom. My sister is his birth mother, I am his mom. 

There's a difference, and it's something I respect and treasure now. 

I am thankful to my sister now. The anger, the irritation that I often feel, God eases that. There are moments, in my flesh, when I am insanely mad at my sister. But, God quickly softens my heart. 

He's AWESOME like that. 

There hasn't been a moment, in the last year, that I have questioned why I am raising this child as mine. He is mine. He was always meant to become mine. God doesn't make mistakes. And we cannot change His will. 

I struggle with yelling still, but I don't struggle with directing it at him anymore. Today, after 6 years as his mom, I can truly and unequivocally say, I am thankful to be his mom. 

I am thankful for every single hard day we have had, because they have taught me SO MUCH. I have learned more about grace through that precious child than I could have ever learned without him. 

I was scared to share this story. We all know I still struggle with the opinions of others. I felt like I "knew" I would get someone saying, "that woman doesn't deserve that child", and it would crush me. 

Truth is, I don't deserve any of my children. I don't deserve my life. 

But, God doesn't give us what we deserve. He gives us what he gives because He is good, and He has a purpose for us. I was meant to have 5 children, all of which are raised in the admotion of the Lord, and in THAT I can rest! 

Moral to today's post, appreciate what you are given and DO NOT QUESTION why you were given something. You may never understand, but He does. He has a purpose, a plan and it is GOOD. 

Sponges-what will you soak in?

As I did my Bible study yesterday, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness to have eyes that SEE so clearly now. 

Oh for the scales that used to cover my eyes. 

Oh for the shackles that used to hold me down. 

Not anymore, though. Not anymore indeed!

No, now I see with eyes wide open, and shackles that have been unlocked. 

Today, and yesterday, I can stand on the truth that He reveals--He is my strength and my shield and He will never fail me. 

As I read yesterday, in Kasey Norman's Bible study, Named by God, I read a list of sins that we as humans deal with--characteristics that we can possess, traits we can exhibit.

The list was intense, and out of 28 traits, I have only been free from 2 of them. The other 26, I personally watched my family struggle with, or I, myself personally had to deal with. 

A few of those characteristics include: adultery, alcoholism, anger, anxiety, depression, divorce, substance abuse, gossip, greed, sexual abuse, and these are just a few; but I think you get my point. These are not positive characteristics that I want to exhibit. These are not good things. 

One thing Kasey points out is that we are all sinners at the time of our conception--something I too touch on in my book, less than Three. We are all broken, not because of some thing we went through of some affliction we are dealing with. We are all broken because through one mans sin the world became sinful. 

I became sinful. 

We became sinful. 

I didn't do something wrong that separted me from God, I was simply separated from Him because of sin. 

Some of the traits and characteristics I listed, sins in other words, were passed down through generations to me. 

I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the father upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected--even children in the third and fourth generation. 

Exodus 34:7

There are sins that I am dealing with, that He can be victorious over, that were directly passed down to me through the generations. There are sins that are still being passed down through the generations and I want to stop that curse. 

I want to stop this generational curse for my children and for their children. I want the hope of turning back to Him and living right and justly. 

As a child, I was like a sponge, soaking in absolutely everything around me--positive or negative. I won't wallow in self-pity and pretend like I didn't gain any positive traits from the generations before me, or from the family God gave me in this generation. I have some extremely positive characteristics because of the generations as well. 

Unfortunately, the negative outweigh the positive. 

Unfortunately, it seems that the majority of what I was soaking in, allowing to seep into my fibers, were sinful and negative, and they aided in keeping me from experiencing a life-breathing relationship with Jesus. 

The soaking sponge, made me think of my own children--what am I passing down to them? What are they soaking in, and allowing to affect their every fiber. 

I know my screaming and yelling is still a problem. I know, without a doubt, that this is the sin that He will conquer next in my life, and I know that I can stop this generational curse that still affects so many of my family still today. 

I know I can overcome this sin because I know without a doubt that all things are possible through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). I can stop screaming, I can find peace when the anger boils to the maximum levels that require explosion--He will conquer that explosion. 

I look at my sweet children's faces, and I remember myself as a child. I remember the fear that would fester when I would upset my family and they would lash out at me. I remember the anger that would boil as I would want to lash back at them. The perpetual cycle continued, and the generations continued. 

Not anymore. 

I want my children to be filled and soaked in grace. I want my children to be filled and soaked in encouragement, not discouragement, and boy am I a discourager sometimes. 

What did you soak in growing up, friend? What are you allowing those around you to soak in and be filled with now? 

I used to be filled with UGLY, just plain ugly! Meanness, anger, anxiety, fear; oh the list could go on and on. I encourage you, friend, to evaluate what you have be soaking in today, and if it is negative, surrender it to Him. 

Excerpt from <3 less than Three

<3 less than Three 

Once I stopped cowering over in fear of what other's believed about me, once I truly became the woman who stood upright as I had always said I was, and secretly hoped to be, I was able to see everything differently. 

Before then, I saw things from the ground up. I saw things from the perception of others, from the world, from the ground. I saw the floor, shoes, dirt and heard only the voices of others that were coming down at me. 

I had this idea that I wanted to walk upright. I had this vision of walking upright. I named my ministry Women Walking Upright for a reason. I wanted to be that woman. But, I hadn't been. 

I was hunched over like the woman in the synagogue in the book of Luke and I couldn't stand up straight. For my whole life, I stared at the ground, thinking I was completely unworthy of my life. I didn't think it mattered how I lived, because I was trash anyways. I could be stepped on. I could be spit on. It didn't matter. 

I focused on my fruits, on how spoiled and rotten they were. I knew there was something completely wrong with me, and I wanted it fixed, but I was never truly willing to express just how rotten I felt. I believed if I could put a bandaid on it and go through a healing prayer, I'd be healed and never again have to deal with my terrible afflictions. I believed if I could just follow enough rules and laws, I would one day prove that I was worthy of His amazing sacrifice. I couldn't understand how if Jesus knew us so intimately and knew us before we were born, then why He ever died for me? It had to be because I was expected to clean up, right?

But, when I lifted my eyes up, and saw Jesus, I couldn't resist standing up straight. I couldnt resist reaching my hands up to the sky; not out of routine or practice but out of a need to embrace the root in which my life was grounded in--Jesus Christ. 

When I wasn't embarrased to embrace Jesus, I was free to live in truth. When I wasn't overtaken with guilt, I was free to call out to Him. When I was free to be who He called me to be, no longer bound by my need to feel worthy to the world, I was free to experience the life He set forth for me. 

And what a life He had waiting for me. 

I am day 1

Read Jeremiah 1:5
Read Micah 7:7-8



I was maybe 13 years old the first time I looked in the mirror and said to myself, "you're fat, you're ugly, you are nothing" anything that would make me see myself as ugly as I felt on the inside. On the inside, there was a fire raging & burning me alive. This fire was lit and active within for almost 20 years, until our Almighty Savior revealed to me the power of His mighty hands and quenched that fire with His hands. His hands squashed that fire within me with one fierce grip, a grip that holds me so tight I don't want to catch my breath. I feel safe within His tight grip. I feel power within me, power that enables me to know the truth about myself....I AM SPECIAL, HOLY, CHOSEN, FORGIVEN, REDEEMED, SANCTIFIED, TRANSFORMED. None of these things happen in the manner in which I think they should happen. None of these things happen in the manner in which others think they should happen. No, they happen on His perfect and loving time. He wants to be an integral part of my life, walking with me through every painful and tripped up step. He wants continual communication with me so that I may hear what it is that He wants! I get so bogged down with what others say about me that I lose the truth that He gives--that I am the daughter of the risen King and nothing can ever separate me from Him. He doesn't just tell us these things over and over again, He fills our soul with this unquenchable longing for Him, and if that longing isn't satisfied by Him we continually search for a filler. I don't want a filler, I only want Him. This is something that my flesh fights against, but my soul longs for. When I drown out the clanging cymbals in this world & listen to His ever sweet voice, the negative things I think about myself or the negative things that others say, they just simply don't hurt as badly. When I look at myself through His eyes, I'm amazed and astonished at how simply radiant I feel. That radiance is His Spirit within me. That radiance is His ambiance reflecting outward. 

I am who He formed in my mothers womb--before sin crept in, before this world tainted my existence--I am who the Potter formed. I am miry clay ready to be shaped into whatever tool He would have me be. I am ready to be refined, to be set into only His transformation fire & I look forward to each and every change that He enables me to make. I long to be the vessel that He uses to bring glory to His kingdom. 

Reflect on Jeremiah 1:5

What does this make you feel? Do you feel like clay sitting on a shelf collecting dust while He waits to refine you, or do you feel like you've walked through that fire already & are now collecting dust as you sit on a shelf? Or better, do you feel like He has a firm grip on your handle & can be used in whatever fashion He sees fit? 

Reflect on Micah 7:7-8

the life of the redeemed

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience--among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

Ephesians 2:1-3

 What does redemption mean to the ones who walk according to His purposes? And what does a life separate from Him look like?

These are 2 questions I used to find myself asking often. Now that I am one of the redeemed, a chosen and holy one, I can truly say that redemption is the greatest gift anyone can ever receive.

Without Christ, without the transforming life He instills in us, life is meaningless. We are all sinners, following our own values, our own beliefs, our own system of right and wrong. We make up what we will and will not allow, we decide what is acceptable for our life. This is a system set forth by the prince of the power of the air—and do you know who that prince is? It is Satan, which means that before accepting Christ we walk according to his purposes. This reality is one that some cannot accept. They refuse to believe that if they are not walking according to God’s purposes they are somehow walking with Satan—and unfortunately without Christ they cannot see the truth within His Word. I don’t mean to ever say that someone is somehow less of a person because they are not living the same life that I am, but I do always mean to portray the truth and the truth is—without Jesus there is no life.

I can truly say that before I found Christ I absolutely walked as one of this world. I wanted to be like the world, I wanted to have the “American dream” as anyone else. It took the absolute transforming, regenerating love of Jesus Christ to open my eyes to my disobedience. Now, I do not want to be “one of the world”, I want to be one of the heavnlies, one whose aim is to always walk with God.

Will I do this? Absolutely not. I am a sinner living in a fleshly body. But, as a redeemed sinner, I long to change my previous ways. I long to be held accountable for my actions, I long to learn His ways. The life of someone who has decided to give up this life for the eternal one looks much different than one who hasn’t.

And it should.

We cannot walk a completely different path and expect to fit in in this world. This world hates God. This world has no use for God. This world is the one who hung His Son on a cross because they didn’t want Him—it’s the same world that will persecute anyone who walks with Him now. The reality is hard to swallow sometimes, but it is one that I choose because this temporal world isn’t the end for me, it’s my eternity in heaven that is my focus in life. That eternal life, it is the one that has been placed within my heart and that is the one that shapes my being today.  

I give thanks to God the Father for the gift of His Son. For loving us so much, that He sent His Son to die for all of our many sins. For those that don’t’ believe they are sinners, there is no need for this Man they called Jesus. But, we are so unworthy, each of us, and we each just as equally need Him! He is the One in which my heart longs, and the One in which my soul yearns for!

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever, believeth in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

It’s the everlasting life that I want, not just this world with its sin, its disobedience and deserved wrath. It’s the beautiful, lovely, amazing life He promises in Heaven! 

I am HIS

Have you ever wondered, “Who am I?”

I have found myself asking this question throughout my entire life.

There were times when the answer made me shutter, brought tears to my eyes. I was broken, helpless, ugly, horrible, wretched. I hated myself.

After finding Christ, it’s been a journey all in its own right to find a healthy, authentic view of myself.

You’d think that finding Christ would give me my identity; that I would somehow “magically” know who I am.

But, it wasn’t that easy. After finding Him, the ridicule and whispers didn’t stop. The lies that I was fed continued to distort my reality.

I was accused of being a hypocrite, a liar, and a fake.

There had to come a time when I had to accept the way GOD made me and accept that He made be wonderful.

I wasn’t sure how to do this, but I knew His Word was the place to go.

“I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:5

What does that Scripture say?

He chose me.

He set me apart.

He appointed me.

I am chosen, set apart and appointed to something set forth by HIM.

He knows me intimately, like no one else does. He loves me and has a plan for me. I may not always understand the plan, but I must have faith that my Father does.

The life I lived, the testimony I now have, HE KNEW IT. If for no other reason other than the help that I can give to young women living the wretched life I was living, it set me apart. He set me apart and good has come from a life that I CHOSE and He REDEEMED.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.’

Romans 8:28

I love God, and because of that I was called to a purpose He set forth and He has worked all things out for good.

My life is now GOOD.

I am a sinner, redeemed by grace, HIS grace. But I am no longer separated from Him and I have been set apart for GOOD.

“You did not choose Me, but I chose you. I appointed you that you should go out and produce fruit.”

John 15:16

I did not choose Him, He chose me.

There is something He wants to use me for and I humbly submit to whatever it is that He has called me to.

I must accept who I used to be, and embrace who I am now.

I used to be:

A liar

A cheat

Promiscuous

A college drop out

A molestation victim

Depressed

Suicidal

A rape victim

A drunk

A drug abuser

I am:

Holy

Beautiful

Chosen

Appointed

Set Apart

Loved

Forgiven

A survivor

In recovery

A wife

…mother

…friend

…sister

…daughter

& most importantly, “In Him I have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.”

Ephesians 1:7

 

Not Religion,, JESUS

This video impacted me in so many ways.

I was the “religious” person years ago. One who didn’t live a life for Christ, had no room for Him in my life. I thought I could handle life all on my own, I was saved, what else did I need Him for?

I believed the church was full of hypocrites, ones who judged on first impressions and never truly got to the core of someone’s soul. And there were times I was right.

I refused to step foot into church after the experiences I had had. I felt so conflicted being in church, as if I had to put on this persona of someone I wasn’t. Through my darkest years I needed Jesus so desperately, and the ones closest to me that “went to church” simply told me what a disgusting sinner I was. I couldn’t stand the ridicule; I couldn’t stand to sit in a place where the people had no idea about suffering, heartbreaking trials. And if they did, if they had experienced the evils of this world as I had, they pretended as if they hadn’t. It made me sick.

They made me think church was a “museum for good people” and not a “hospital for the broken.”

I was the broken, and I needed JESUS. I needed healing.

But, what I failed to see was the true nature of each of us as humans—we are all SINNERS.

We are each in desperate need of a Savior, Jesus Christ.

Those that wanted me to pretend to be something I wasn’t, it’s for them that I now boast in my weakness, because I AM FORGIVEN and it feels so stinking good.

It is the sweetest most amazing feeling I’ve ever experienced. To know what He delivered me from, to know the angst and heartache I experienced at the hands of this world—I can’t help but shout His grace to this world; the one that shunned me for the sins they themselves hide every day.

Religion is the infection, Jesus is the cure. Religion keeps people from coming to the cross, Jesus IS the cross.

I don’t want to be known for my faith simply because of my facebook, I want to be known for my faith because I am the one redeemed by His grace. I am the one who lived such a life separated from Him and yet He COMPLETELY changed my life. I am the one who was undeserving of grace, yet freely received His grace.

The most important aspect of my life, the best and most amazing part, is the Jesus that lives within me. He’s not something I hide; He’s the one that drives my every motive, my every thought, my every action.

He is my LIFE!