As I've been walking this new path with Christ, I've asked Him on numerous occassions what in the world He possibly thinks He is doing--how absolutely ridiculous that I would question my Creator after all that He has already revealed to me. I know it is ridiculous, yet I still ask Him.
It's weird to me.
I'm sure it is to you as well, friend. I'm sure at some point you have looked up to Him as I have and said, "what could you possibly be thinking?"
I think the question initially is okay, not a sin really. But, letting that question move to angst or worry, allowing it to trickle lies in our hearts, that is a sin for sure, I believe. And it is one that I fall victim to far too often.
As I'm walking closer and closer with Him, I keep asking Him and then myself what He is doing. The things that He is revealing to me, the path He seems to have me on, it's so foreign to me. It's completely honest and open, unhindered and unashamed of the gospel.
Releasing the book, less than Three (I cannot put links or anything in my posts because I only post from my tablet as of right now and I cannot figure out how to do all of that...yet) was scary. I admitted things, revealed things, said things that I knew were going to hurt me and others. I knew that someone could use my words and twist them into something they weren't meant to be. I knew that someone may be hurt by the story that I believed God wanted me to share, because it involved them.
I felt for the first time in my life, that obedience to Christ was my only option, and I still had to reveal all that He meant for me to. I felt stronger than I have ever felt in my life that God wanted to do something and that He would stretch me and teach me along the way; I simply needed to obey.
So I did.
And we are a month out of releasing the book, and into the stages of walking in the truth that He revealed--a process that has been grueling in and of itself.
Walking in the truth that He showed me has been just as difficult as hearing the truth.
This morning was evident of that in my life. This morning my gingerman and I got into a tuffle, and it was by no means anything he did and everything I did.
I contemplated writing all day, and knew without a doubt that when I finally obeyed and sat down to write, He would take me to scary territory.
He has proven faithful, yet again.
I am writing about a topic that is so very scary, but one that I know He wants me to discuss.
Intimacy with your spouse (I say spouse loosely, for I am not naive enough to believe that every person is married and has a spouse) is extremely important and vital to any thriving relationship.
And let's be honest, who wants to be in a relationship that isn't thriving?
I can't imagine anyone who would happily settle for mundane and dull.
We all want to thrive, however we all get into places where thriving is truly the least of our desires.
I used to have no desire for my husband. Sure, we have four kids, but not because we were intimate every day by any means. We have gone through terrible spells where I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with him for weeks.
I was terribly sad a few years ago when I opened up to a Christian friend about my intimacy problems. I needed encouragement very badly. I needed someone to help me figure out where my sexual confusion was coming from.
I didn't think I received anything from her. God is showing me today though, that I may not have agreed with what she had to say to me, but I believe very much that God desires for us to be intimate with one another when we are fulfililng His laws, and within those confines He desperately wants us to experience intimacy.
Intimacy can be difficult for me sometimes. I crave it, but I have never been truly able to allow myself to be vulnerable and intimate with someone--believing instead that I was created primarily to give sexual pleasures to men and in turn hating them for it.
God is releasing me from this burden, this weight, and He is carrying it as far as the east is from the west.
He is revealing to me that a relationship cannot thrive without true sexual intimacy; where two people are being truly vulnerable with one another.
This morning, as I snapped at my dear gingerman, I realized it had been a few days since we had been intimate, not weeks but mere days, and we needed that connection to come back together. The desire I wanted from him, to feel needed, that desire that I believed he couldn't give me, God wants me to experience that, and sometimes it comes in the form of intmacy with my husband.
There is no greater connection between two human beings than sexual intimacy. It can either bring two people as close as God ever meant for two people to be, or it can cause such terrible confusion that destruction ensues.
I am tired of the destrcution that has ensued in my life because of the confusion. I want to thrive in a healthy relationship with my husband, being intimate and connected on the level that God meant us to be. I don't want to listen to the world, or even my own confusion, I want to listen to God.
God doesn't tell us to hate intimacy. God doesn't warn us to not be intimate. He simply urges us to do it within certain confines.
Why? I believe because within His true and good confines, we can experience a level of intimacy with God that cannot be experience any other way.
Song of Solomon 7:6-10 reveals that there is something good and desirable within intimacy, the question is do we desire intimacy?
Intimacy means going to God first, and saying I need you to fill me. Intimacy is going to God and asking Him to fill us when we cannot be filled within this world, so that we can in turn be filled by our spouses.
It's a beautiful and breathtaking process.
Why did I write about this weird topic today? For encouragement.
I want to encourage you friend, if you are experiencing a time of sexual confusion, not being intimte with the one you love, I urge you to draw close to God. Allow God to reveal truth about your situation so that you can experience all that He desires for you with your spouse.
Experience intimacy and watch as it enhances every relationship in your life. Experience intimacy with the one you love, and watch it fill the deepest voids in your life--experience intimacy outside of what God meant, and watch as destruction may creep in.
And remember, you are less than only Three.