Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Trials of Life

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

James 5:15-16

I find myself in a neat, new place today. I’ve gone through a full range of emotions since I became ill. From anger, to frustration, to joy and excitement. I’ve asked God why this is happening, I’ve cried because of the pain. I’ve laughed at the names the kids have come up with for the illness and I’ve yelled at my husband for hovering too much.

The truth is: I feel terrible, infested with a disease that is shutting down many functions that I took for granted before this all started. My arms are weak, my legs give out on me, my head is throbbing, my body is riddled with the Lyme rash and my heart is beating far too fast

How many times I have picked up my little girl, kissed her cute little baby cheeks, and yet today, I cannot pick her up. Today I have to ask for assistance in caring for my sweet little miracle baby. My heart aches for her. My heart aches for all my children that I cannot even do things with because my arms are so weak that they often give out on me. Yet, somehow, surprisingly, I’m at peace.

I really shouldn’t say “somehow”, because I know unequivocally that it is by the grace of our unwavering God that I am at peace. To say things are falling down around me would seriously be an understatement. Since I became ill last week both of our vehicles have malfunctioned, possibly died on us. We have bills piling up around us; the medical bills for this illness have already skyrocketed to a few hundred dollars. Brian is unable to work long days because he has had to be home to care for the kids. And here I am, at home in the bed.

In prayer yesterday I found myself asking, “Okay God, what is it that you want me to see? What lesson can I learn from all of this?” The answer was simple, HIS WILL SHALL BE DONE.

I can have my life in perfect order, I can have our days planned out to the last second of the day, but if it is not His will, then everything will fall most certainly fall apart. And it should. Nothing in this life is worth living if He is not the reason we do everything.

I’ve found myself asking for help, something that makes me cringe. I hate going to people and asking for anything. But, this is a lesson I have learned. He works through His body, through the members that make up His body. I cannot begin to live this life without His body, and therefore I am having to rely on members of our Lord Jesus Christ to get me through this. I’ve had to ask for childcare help, prayers, and He has answered each request. He has shown me that He will not give up on me, He will not forsake me.

The last year has been the most amazing, eye opening year of my life. I have grown closer to our Lord and Savior each and every day. I have been willing to sacrifice things I never would have dreamed and it has been surprisingly easy. I have gained not only a Savior, a Redeemer, but my very best friend. He is my rock when I need strength, my fortress when my home is chaotic. And He will deliver me from the hole I have fallen into. I simply need to keep my faith and trust in Him.

This illness makes me think of Job. Job the faithful servant of God, one who was righteous yet tested. I will stand strong through these tests; I will not waver in my faith.

Lord, Father God, I need only you.

Blessings, Ashley

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