Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I had a mini break down on Saturday; I’ve been trying to find perspective since then. So many thoughts have gone through my head, and I longed to sit down and allow the Spirit to work through my fingers as I tapped away at the keyboard, but the tears have taken over more than the Spirit I admit.
You see, the truth is, this melt down I experienced has been on the brink for a while. Saturday was just the culmination of the weight I’ve been trying to carry all on my own.
Let me set the scene for Saturday and move forward from there ….
We were at my Aunt’s on Saturday for my cousin’s engagement party. Bri had to work; he’s working crazy hours right now. He hasn’t taken a day off in about 6 weeks, which has created quite the tense home life. I think the burden of the amount of work would be a little easier to carry if we were making ends meet, but we’re still not and the tension between us is rising by the minute—always tempting to explode.
So, I was on my own for the day. I readied all 4 kids on my own, loaded up the endless bags that we seem to carry along with us everywhere we go, and headed over to enjoy an afternoon with my family.
And we enjoyed ourselves indeed. I chatted with family and the kids played relatively well I must admit. As it was nearing time for us to head home I asked the boys to clean up all the toys on the floor that we brought with us. Jaxson, 4, did as was asked. Jordon, 8, did not. Now, let me say that Jordon, he’s a completely different 8 year old then any other. He suffers greatly from ADHD, and a life that at times was quite chaotic, and has nestled into our family beautifully. But, there are days that seem straight from a horror film.
{And this moment was one of them}
Jordon wanted to borrow a movie, Mulan, but I wanted the toys cleaned up before I would discuss this movie with him. I already knew that if he cleaned up the toys I would let him borrow the movie, but I wanted him to wait until after cleaning up the toys before we discussed this movie. This was the wrong idea. He completely MELTED DOWN. And I don’t mean a small little crying tantrum, I mean a full fledge cry hysterically, cut to your bones kind of tantrum. And then, to make it worse, in the middle of the tantrum, as he is cleaning up the toys, my mother comes back and wants to tell me that Jordon was not the one who made the mess which Jordon then wants to cry about why he has to clean up the toys since he didn’t make the mess. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he proceeds to go into the kitchen and cry, hysterically, that I have told him he could not borrow the movie.
I totally lost it. I’m not gonna lie, the smile that so easily graces my face turned upside and I LOST IT.
Blubbering mess, right there on the couch, I had my own little pity party.
I became the blubbering mess that I have been trying so desperately not to allow to surface.
Putting on the smile that says I’m great, fine, dandy instead of being honest and crying, “I’m a little lost today”. When people look at me, I feel like that’s what they see, always have seen, a complete and utter mess. I’m the woman who has made a mess of my life more times than I could ever count, been the emotional one whom people felt they needed to tip toe around because they thought I would crack, and the one who falls so often and is simply terrified of being seen as that same worthless person anymore.
The weight I carry of my past mistakes is so heavy; it threatens to drown me each and every day. The depression I battle so fiercely rears its ugly head and weighs my every facet down so immensely. And I’m on the brink right now. Bri and I are in a muddy place, one that I refuse to talk about to most people because I just can’t seem to bring myself to talk about the hurt I’m experiencing. I am carrying so much weight right now, some days the weight of a single parent and it allows a gap where satan likes to slither in and try to tear me down.
Some close to us wonder why in the world I stay home and don’t “go get a job”. Why would we “struggle” to make ends meet when I could easily go get a job? I want so desperately to say, but can never seem to bring myself to say, “I work, just as hard as any other person. I stay home because that’s what I believe God calls me to do. I believe it is my ‘job’ to raise my children, rear them in Christ’s word. Give them an education, a faith to trust in with their whole entire heart. I enjoy my job, very much. I get paid in a way that isn’t necessarily a monetary one, but one that yields me to my knees.” But, instead, I just take the words people say and let it eat away at my morale, I allow satan entrance into my life when I allow the opinions of others to determine who I am.
My greatest desire is to crucify this awful flesh of mine, be raised up in the new body that Christ’s death assured for me. But, I know I cannot gain that physical body until God is done using me on this earth. So, I somehow must waddle through this mess we call life and make a path that shines a light towards Him.
I feel like I do this, some days well, some not, but more so I feel totally and completely worthless in my flesh and want so desperately to squash it.
The reality of my life, the down-right dirty reality, is I’m damaged. In my flesh I am damaged. But, praise God from whom all blessings flow, because I will not always be this damaged woman who is trying to escape her past. I will one day be a strong, vibrant woman whose past plays no role in her future—my future walking in eternity with the risen King. I can trust Him who promised, I can rely on He who gives strength.
God, who has called me into fellowship with His Son Jesus Christ my Lord, is faithful. – 1 Corinthians 1:9
I know without a doubt that the Lord is good and His love will endure forever; His faithfulness continues through the generations. Pslam 100:5
Trusting in His words bring so much joy to my life. Even as I’m a blubbering mess, sitting on the couch of my aunt’s house, I know that He is faithful and He will bring me out of the lowly place I currently sit.
So, I wiped off the tears, said a prayer with Jaxson and Hayley, and collected myself. We rounded up our stuff and we headed home. And the most beautiful part …. Jordon and I had a complete break through on the way home. We talked, and cried, and held hands, and prayed all the way home. It was amazing.
Our God’s Holy Spirit sat right there with us as we discussed the craziness that had just ensued and He led us to our knees. When we got home, we talked some more, and some more, and some more.
Simply breathtaking.
I am still struggling, greatly, but I have the hope that lies in my Redeemer, and that hope holds me high when I am low. It is His words that I can trust, not the ones who want to ridicule. It is He who bought my life and it is He I owe everything. It is in Him that I am new, and it is with Him that I walk with feet planted firmly on the ground. 

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