Renewal

  I am loved

I’m not even sure where to start with this post. Let me first say, as I write this, I am fighting off the insatiable urge to weep, heavily. It’s been the overall theme for the day truthfully.

I am overjoyed and in love …. with who you might ask? Well that answer is a simple one-My Savior.

He has instilled in me today a love for Him that I don’t think words can truly give justice to. He has reminded me {or I might even say, matter of factly shouted} that He loves me JUST AS I AM. To Him, I am beautifully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I’m going to share a piece of myself with you that I have had closed off for a really long time. I’ve been struggling, deeply and embarrassingly struggling. My writing has been affected, my heart has been hurting and my soul has cried out to Him for renewal—today I received that renewal.

He led me to my bookshelf this afternoon at about 1 pm. I picked up Jeremy Camp’s book “I Still Believe” which has been sitting for 2 months untouched. I’m not sure what led me to it other than the indwelling Spirit, but I sat on the couch and began reading…reading 145 pages today. WOW.

I was immersed, captivated. His words pulled me in like a tidal wave and I felt like I was sinking in the massive tears streaming down my pink tinted cheeks. I choked on the tears. And my poor Jax, he didn’t know what was happening to his mommy.  

At 6 I went to a ladies fellowship that I had been invited to, as if the tears I had cried all afternoon weren’t enough, again they fell from my eyes as I watched these women pour out their hearts in worship to the Lord.

Breathtaking.

Astounding.

Simply, Magnificent.

You might be asking yourself, “Well, she mentioned struggling, where is the struggle she speaks of”. To that I would answer, it’s me. I’ve struggled with the old person I am shedding—the one people are still judging me on. I am struggling with accepting that I am a new creation, the old has passed away and I am new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

I have taken so much heat in last year due to my outspokenness of my love for Christ. I have been ridiculed, judged, persecuted and quite truthfully … IT STUNK!!

I hated it. I hated the feeling I would get when the enemy would break me down with the words of a friend or family member, or someone who I thought should be an encouragement to me. I hated feeling like less of a human because I wanted to shout from the root that Jesus Saves—I am proof.

There have been times when I’ve wanted to share the hell {I know that word is harsh, but, seriously, the life I lived in can only be described as hellacious} He delivered me from but was told that I couldn’t, or shouldn’t. I’ve been told that God wasn’t leading me in that direction, or that my testimony didn’t need to be vocalized. I’ve been told that I should just speak of the good that can be done in the name of Christ and not speak of the world that He delivered me from…the one that held me captive for 23 years.

23 years, geez! For 23 years I lived as a captive to this fallen world and I want so desperately to tell people of what He brought me from, but I’ve stopped myself.

I write a lot, but not nearly as much as He lays on my heart. There are times when He has revealed something to me and I think to myself, “Lord, I can’t right now, that will cause a serious debate and I just don’t have the strength for it”.

SERIOUSLY ASHLEY?

I turned my Savior’s request down, denied Him, because I was scared of the heat I may feel? Well, no more. I say…BRING ON THE FIRE.

I will walk through that burning inferno and I will come out victorious. You want to know why? Because HE IS VICTORIOUS. The battle has already been Won!

I will be writing more, I will be telling of His saving grace with my every breath. There is nothing, or anyone, who will squash the fire that has been set within me! 

Lord, you are so gracious, and so loving, and I cannot thank you enough for your redemptive love! Thank you for the world you brought me out of and help me share my testimony with all who I come in contact with.