It's that day again, Transparent Thursday. When I went to bed last night I THOUGHT I knew what I would write on today. But, like always, He showed me that MY ways are not HIS ways.
What does it mean to bring darkness to light for you, friend? I have wondered this ever since I published less than Three. I have wondered why I revealed many of the truths that I did in that book (and yes, they are truths and not made up as some want to claim), and why He has pressed so heavily on me to have this recurring series.
What do they mean? I mean, really?
Doesn't everyone WANT to live in the light? Doesn't everyone long to have their sins exposed so they can live a more freeing, open life helping others to find freedom?
I've found that the answer is a big, NO.
No, most people do not want to come out of the darkness and into the light.
MOST actually PREFER the dark over the light.
I was one of those people. I was one of the people for YEARS after finding Christ that sat, shamefully, in the dark, too afraid to admit my mistakes. I was the person that was reminded, by myself, by the enemy and by family (never friends, I have some of the best of them, but always family) that would remind me, incessantly, about the mistakes that I have made. I walked around with this idea that I had to find fault in others just to make myself feel better--I couldn't stand to have my sins pointed out.
I would hide my past. I would only discuss things that I thought people would "understand". I tried everything humanly possible to medicate myself whether it be with cocaine, alcohol, sex or marijuana. I did this for A LONG TIME.
I don't mind discussing my downfalls anymore. I don't mind bringing my sins to light, because THEY HAVE NO HOLD ON ME.
But, not everyone feels this way. A lot of people, they cannot remotely handle their sins being exposed, not in the slightest, and when I began openly admitting mine, boy oh boy did I make people uncomfortable.
But, I don't think it was me. I think the Holy Spirit began stirring inside of many, pressing on them to begin bringing their sins to light too.
I don't believe any of us should deny that we have made MONUMENTAL mistakes and I also don't think that every person should begin writing about their sins and mistakes the way I have. I was called to do this--it's defintely not for everyone, nor SHOULD it be. We all have different ways of serving the Kingdom, this just happens to be my way.
BUT, I do believe that God wants every single one of us to admit to each other how badly we fail. I whole-heartedly believe that the Holy Spirit is doing a mighty work within people and stirring up real emotions regarding my posts and my book.
Why? Because the enemy has a hold of us when we live in the darkness. When we step into the light, and we say "enemy, you have NO hold on me", we lose those chains we were bound by.
And Jesus died so that those chains would be released.
Jesus died to release us from bondage to sin. Sin has no hold on us when we release it.
I've heard many times that people don't find it necessary to "air their dirty laundry the way I do" and that's fine; however I don't see it as "airing my dirty laundry", that is the enemy speaking like that.
I see it more like this--I lived in the darkness, and I DESPERATELY want to walk in the light now. Walking in the light, FOR ME, means allowing my past to be used as a flashlight to the darkness. I walked through a horrendous life, that has recently been called "make believe", because God wanted to use my life to help those currently walking through similar if not the same types of things--sexual immorality, addiction, shame, guilt, a sin-riddled life.
And, I'M ON BOARD. I am okay with Him using my life to illuminate Him. I am okay with admitting how badly I was broken, how badly I messed up so that I can point a light to the ONE who saved me.
Those who aren't okay with this, they have their own ideas of what it means to bring darkness to light, and that's okay. I'm okay with not everyone agreeing with my calling.
I am also okay with those that don't want me to speak because they want to stay hidden in the darkness. I am okay with this, but the question is--is God?
If you believe the answer is yes, then my next question would be--what did Jesus' death really do? If it didn't free us from sin, if it didn't release our chains, what did it really do?
For me, it released me from the hell I was living--that I often times created myself and many times had a bent enemy who wanted to keep me FAR FROM GOD because he knew what God would do with me if I ever admitted what I had been through and done. He would do a MIGHTY work. I was enthralled by the works of the enemy. I wanted Jesus, but I wanted MY life too. I wanted a cozy existence and that meant no one, EVER, could know the things I had said, done, had done to me, or that I had done to others.
I could never admit that I had been "the other woman", people would look at me like I was DISGUSTING. I felt disgusting, why wouldn't others think the same thing? I could never admit that cocaine helped me numb the pain I was experiencing in 2009--still reeling from my rape and sodomy only 6 years prior--AFTER I had rededicated my life to Christ. And I could NEVER admit that without marijuana, my night terrors kept me up for YEARS, and that since giving it up, I have not slept well for a very long time (that truth comes in the next book).
I couldn't admit these things for a long time.
I can now, I can now because THEY HAVE NO HOLD ON ME. But, they were real in my life. They were real for a long time.
I couldn't handle my extended family discussing my life with EVERYONE they were friends with, so I hid my sins. I hid them from the world because I was so ashamed of these things they wanted to expose to the world.
I AM NO LONGER ASHAMED.
Jesus finds no shame in me. The greatest part, He never did. He knew, as He hung on that cross that I would do the things I did, and yet, I WAS STILL COUNTED WORTHY.
THAT reality set me FREE.
My family's opinion of me, even your opinion sweet friend, although it still weighs heavily on me sometimes, IT DOESN'T DEFINE ME. Jesus defines me.
What does Jesus say about me?
He says I am a royal priestess, a holy chosen child of His and I am redeemed by His blood--no longer bound by the shackles I wore.
I AM SET FREE.
He says the same of you, friend. He counts you worthy, He wants to release you from whatever bondage you are under. But, the question is, do you feel like you are living under bondage?
I'm finding recently that many deny they have any bondage to be freed from. I'm finding so many people deny that they have sins within them they need to be released from, and that used to disturb me, but NOW, it gives me opportunity to pray.
Because the TRUTH IS, we ALL have serious bondage to be released from. Whether it be the outright terrible things "done" as I did, or the inner workings of someones heart, there are undoutedly things that Jesus MUST heal. We cannot pretend like someone else's "disgusting sin" is any worse than the mean, negative things we THINK of that person when they admit what they have done. Sin runs deep, very deep, and it starts within each of us. It longs to be kept in the darkness so that Jesus can have no healing over it. Sin doesn't want to be brought to light. It LONGS to stay in the darkness. Sin gains momentum in the darkness.
But, when we bring our sins to light, when we admit, even in the smallest way that we are struggling with something, we give the enemy and sin NO HOLD ON US.
Jesus becomes the victor.
This is why I live the way I live now. THIS is why I write these Transparent Thursday blogs--because I have no problem admitting that I ONCE lived a very bad life. This is why I wrote my book, so that the ones STILL enthralled by the enemy, can know that someone else once lived there too, and that Jesus forgave me, and HE WILL FORGIVE THEM.
He will forigve you, friend, but, you MUST admit that you are struggling first. You MUST admit that you have darkness and that light can set you free.
I would love to pray for you if you are struggling. I would love to join you in your journey with Christ, to step out of the darkness and into the light.
Will you let me walk with you? If not, that's okay! Will you at least admit it to yourself and release it to Him? He is truly the one who can free you.
Remember, you are less than only Three!